[PerpetualPain]

I never leave the house other than for college, but i hate it there. Everything makes me feel suicidal and alone. Nobody seems to care and i feel like I am heading for disaster.

I feel totally out of control of myself. I have no friends or family that can help me. I feel unable to help myself. I am sick of living my life when the quality of living is so bad.

I put faith in my T and thought i would be OK. I now have less than a year to be OK otherwise i will probably end my life. I realize that may sound over dramatic but i have nothing in my life worth clinging on for. I have one more year at college left until i am off in the world alone. I won't be able to cope or get through this alone. My T is kind but she wont support me after i leave college. I'd be asking too much of her to do it for free anyway. I don't even have a job and cant leave the house to get money so it just isn't fair.

I carried on going to college because i get therapy through that. I've never been to a doctor and everyone always says: "oh just go to a doctor" as a quick fix to everything. It is not a quick fix and it wont just magic away my problems. I find this one of the most naive things someone can say to me.

I feel totally alone in the world. I feel as though nothing i ever do will be good enough to save myself. I feel like I've been falling for a very long time and nobody cared enough to try and help me.

Nobody cares about an individual person. Not truly. I am completely alone in the world and people say they care, but they either don't care enough or are lying. My therapist said she cared, but obviously she doesnt care enough or she'd try to help me. It just feels like nobody knows what to do and everyone i confide in never has any ideas. I feel like deep down there is nothing that can be done and i might as well give up on my life entirely.

I am scared to die. I don't want to die. I am also scared of living like this much longer. I feel like i went past breaking point a long time ago. I don't even know how i am staying sane with all of this. Sometimes i even question if this is even sanity. I feel unable to fix things on my own though, the support people say they give me doesnt feel enough. When i say people i am only referring to my therapist. My parents are abusive and always say they're there for me when in reality they are not.

I always make threads about stuff when i feel at my worst. I have nobody to talk to and i feel like i need someone. Please dont feel obliged to respond to this. Just someone reading through my thoughts and feelings is all i want. Just someone in the world to recognize my pain.

[feeshee]

Hope days ahead are more peaceful for you. Maybe give medication a try.

[Skeezyks]

}}} PerpetualPain {{{

[Fuzzybear]

[bugbear83]

Recognized and heard.

[Crazylion]

Zadie Smith said the following words:

"You are never stronger...than when you land on the other side of despair"

I understand.....I know what it feels like to have no family that is there for you and is a root of your misery, no friends, to be abandoned to have the few people who get you and love you die.......i feel this.....to want to end it all.

I will lie in bed at night and weep, begging god to let me die to take it all away, because the pain inside is too much to bear. and the loneliness eats away at me..

but i am here, and every morning I wake up and it is a new day. even though it may fall back into the misery at the end of this day, it doesn't matter, because there is a reason why i am here -- and there is a reason why you are here.

One reason is that you have touch me deeply and make me feel more alive and worthwhile in being able to tell you that I CARE - WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU - I CARE IF YOU DIED. The world would miss you.. every time a person dies the universe cries......i believe this. if i died the time i tried to take my life, i wouldv'e missed out on the opportunities to live and see what i have done so far, and loved and lost and how i grow. and getting older, see that it is worth it all.

in one hour, even a minute, so much can happen. and i also found out that we need ourselves, only ourselves, to get through this life. when you see and belief in the wonder that is you -- you're strength and capabilities to do so much -- you will find hope and love within.

i sound corny, but it is true.

one day in restrospect, when you look back at your struggles, you will see how wonderous they will seem to be. really. and what you know to leave behind.

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow; but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”
― Agatha Christie

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami

Stay strong.......Courage!!!!

please post or pm me if you feel like you're in trouble. please.