Feeling stressed again

One of the worst things about depression, IMHO, is the way I can go from feeling positive and optimistic to gloom-and-doom at the flick of a switch. I've been getting stressed out from my job again, but to my surprise, last week I finally worked up the nerve to do something about it by looking online for something else. Not only that, but I felt downright confident about it. I found four jobs I wanted to apply for, all in a different area, which is good because I feel like I need a change of scenery. One of them would actually be in the same city my brother works in... which leads to the first stumbling block.

For someone who is a psychiatrist, my bro seems to have little sympathy for my condition. He claims to understand what I am going through because we are siblings and thus very similar; however while we are indeed very similar, we are also very different. For example, take my dad and his brother. My dad, while by no means a great man, has been pretty successful. My uncle, on the other hand, is a brilliant engineer who works as a handyman because he responded to the pressures of life by becoming an alcoholic.

Anyway, last Monday, I texted bro asking him some questions about the city he works in because I was thinking of applying for a job there. I followed that up with another saying, "Well, I'm probably getting ahead of myself, I haven't even put in the application yet, let alone been offered an interview." His response - and I am not exaggerating - was, "Well give me a call and we'll talk, Captain Optimism."

Now I'll admit I have a tendency to get angry quickly, but that really pissed me off. I had a bad day at work as it was and I didn't need that, nor do I feel I deserved it. Had I said, "Well I don't know why I'm even trying because I won't get it anyway," then his response may have been appropriate. So I texted him back and said, "And we're done." And I haven't spoken to him since, and he probably doesn't care anyway.

So anyway, the rest of the week I thought I was doing pretty good. I applied for the first of the four jobs Tuesday night (the deadline was Wednesday) and had a couple good days at work. Thursday morning I saw my therapist and had a good talk with her about the BS with bro and the stress involved in applying for the jobs. Then that day I got to work and I thought I was doing good but instead I got another chewing-out from my boss. After that I was very nervous and anxious about my performance for the rest of that day and all of Friday.

BUT... Friday it also seemed like things got a little better, because that morning I got a call on my phone and I recognized the area code as being from the area where I had applied for the job. I thought, "WOW, it's only been two days and they're already calling me!" So on lunch I listened to the message and the guy wasn't as enthusiastic as I hoped; he even said in the message that he didn't think I quite understood what they wanted (I'm heavily paraphrasing there but you get the idea.) And with all the other garbage going on it just felt like all my confidence dissolved like warm jello and here I was again, destined to be stuck in this miserable job forever. Or even if I could get this job, now I'm not even sure I want it, and I'm right back in the unending cycle of confusion and indecision about what to do with my life. Thank God I have Tuesday off and get to see my therapist again that day.

I have also found that many work environments out there are very upsetting. The only thing that helped me get through some of them was having supervisors who were looking out for their people. When you get one who isn't supportive and the job is stressful, well, you just have to get out of there. A good supervisor will try to build your confidence by talking about what you do well while teaching or modeling skills you are still learning. And I know my mental illness also affected my ability to handle everything that came my way with confidence. So I think you are on the right track. The job market is tough so you're going to get a lot of "no's". Also, sometimes you might find yourself talking to a recruiter instead of the person who actually does the hiring. And a lot of recruiters out there don't help; they waste your time and try to make your resume their commodity. It is just a numbers game for them. They sometimes can limit you so whenever you think you might be going through a recruiter during your job search, don't give them your resume or much information until you do some searching to see if you can apply for the job directly. You deserve to get yourself into a supportive environment. Good luck with the job search! Myst

Thanks for sharing these experiences, Max Payne... hope things begin to smooth out for you soon.

So here's an update: I felt exhausted all weekend but still managed to get a couple job apps sent out. Yesterday I had a phone interview over my lunch break with the place that called Friday. I got the impression the guy didn't think I was a good candidate for the position, but to my surprise I got an email from him later in the day asking if I would be willing to drive down there today (my day off this week) for an interview. After mulling it over for a couple hours last night, I decided to turn it down because I realized I would be making less money (I'm barely covering my bills as it is) and I would almost certainly have to pay more for rent, etc. down there. That and it was just all happening so fast. Then I was second-guessing myself up the yin-yang because some of my friends I talked to about it thought I was being "too picky" or wimping out.

But another part of my decision to turn it down was that I had an appointment scheduled with my therapist today and every since last Thursday it felt like knowing that was coming was about the only thing keeping me going. Problem was, last night I fell asleep before I put my CPAP mask on and got up around 4 this morning all dazed and confused. I went back to bed, put the mask on and slept for five solid hours, but I was pretty much shot for the day. Still had a good session but it was hard to concentrate or focus when I'm that tired. She even told me my "homework" was to go home and take a nap.

Talking to the therapist did however make me realize that this is not the first time I've been in this state, i.e. where I'm just constantly on edge and I feel like nothing I do will help me relax.

So now tonight I'm trying to motivate myself to complete the application for this one job I really want more than any of the others. At first I started thinking I was foolish to even apply for it because I'm not qualified enough, but I've gotten more confident about it as time has gone on. I'm just so dang fatigued that it's hard to get anything done. Therapist suggested I split it up into smaller pieces throughout the week and send the whole thing in this coming weekend; think I'll take that route.

Oh and Myst, I just felt I should clarify that unlike most of the bosses I've had, I don't have a problem with my current boss. She's just doing her job. The problem is that my job and I are not a good fit.