[IBelongToYou]

Hi.
Ever since I had depression I've been slowly turning into a jerk.
And I feel like I should do something before I turn into a jerk and be like other jerks I see in everyday life.

When I was younger, if anyone bumped me to get in the last spot in the train or basically anything, all I would do is to have a poker face for 10 second and simply wait for the next one and smile for the rest of the day, now? if anyone even does the slightest thing to me even if not on purpose, I get this feeling like I would hunt them in any way possible! I wasn't a kind of person who would feel like wanting revenge or anything, I actually had a hard time understanding why others feel this way. I've never done anything. on the outside I'm still the same person but I feel disgusted that I feel this way, And I'm easily irritated and I never care about anybody.

[gayleggg]

Have you tried counseling? If you were bipolar I would say you are having a mixed episode.

Change is something we all have to deal with and changes in our personality can be signs of trouble, so maybe you need to look outside yourself for help.

[IBelongToYou]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Have you tried counseling? If you were bipolar I would say you are having a mixed episode.

Change is something we all have to deal with and changes in our personality can be signs of trouble, so maybe you need to look outside yourself for help.

I've no therapy option

[MtnTime2896]

There's a lot of rage that can come with depression. If I can't control my own happiness, it makes me feel weak. I personally, get pissed when I can't control my own though process. I mean, even if I can't control anything in the world around me, I should be able to control myself. I always feel like my depression is ridiculous and I should just get passed it, but I can't. It is that very complex that turns me into a jerk. I have to fight it like hell and remind myself that people around me don't know what's happening in my head and it's not their fault I'm this way. It's hard. I'm always pissed, even if it's below the surface, I'm always angry. It never leaves. I just find ways to let that anger out that wont' hurt anyone. I'm not perfect about it. I say some pretty nasty things to the people who are the closest to me.
When an animal is hurt and backed into a corner, it's not going to let anything come close to it and can have the deluded perception that everyone's the enemy.
I don't know if this is exactly what you're feeling but know that it's normal and you have to work at it all of the time to keep from becoming one of those jerks.

[Onward2wards]

IBelongToYou, I think I know what you mean. I've been going through thinking "My life is composed of X, but I really want Y. Too bad I'm not going to get it." That pessimism is turning me into a defensive, angry, despondent Ebenezer Scrooge on the inside. It's getting really bad for me too. It does feel like an unwanted personality change after a while - as if one is just adapting to the negative instead of challenging it.

Also, I've been encountering people offline who either seem to feel the same but don't appear to be aware of how they are becoming cynical, condescending and bitter because of it, or else people who have no patience for or understanding of those in low moods. This makes me feel even more defensive and isolating. At least there's PC and some people offline who do seem to "get it".