Something recently happened to me that just really has shaken me to the core. I wanted to share it somewhere. I feel truly let down by the support system I'm supposed to have in place. I am a longtime sufferer and survivor of depression, anxiety, trauma and abuse. Only within the last two years have I received help from professionals (medications and psychotherapy). I've never been ok, but I've been a bit better with both of those things.

I went through daily chaotic environment for 23 years, and my mentality to handle emotional pain, or feel trapped in it, is very low. Recently I found myself in that place and in an unbearable amount of emotional pain and I did something I said I would never do, I didn't understand, and couldn't dream of. I took a knife and began cutting into my arm. (Note -- about a week later now, I only have three small scars and the rest healed without much of a to do), but I cannot believe I made it to that point, that low -- I'm still shaken up that I did something I KNEW i'd never do...

I suffer with suicidal thoughts, but I have always known I wouldn't act on them. How can I trust in that feeling when I always knew I wouldn't cut myself? I saw the damage that type of thing does to a person. I called a mental institution who laughed at me, literally. Told me if I have a plan to kill myself to call back. I told my therapist and he shrugged it off-- oh well, just don't do it.

I have no want to do it again nor did it do anything to relieve the pain I was feeling that I can consciously say.. but everyone acts like it's not the big of a deal, and just I need to "fix it". My therapist is very understanding and we don't often stand at different ends of the spectrum in terms of help, but I think he sincerely undermines the significance of this for me, and how fatigue and chronic illness -- mental or otherwise debilitates you to a point where "rational understanding" becomes irrational. I feel alone. I feel crazy, I feel like I'm without any help. I don't know where to go or what to do. I just walk through the day hoping to find some answer. . I'm still wearing long sleeves and sweaters to hide my arm. It's so embarrassing. Within 2-3 more days I'll be able not to I think, but until then I'm too afraid to go without it. The intensity of pain and the level I had to be at to do that was more than I've ever been at, to betray the very core of my beliefs and thinking. Why am I alone in thinking I really need to take this seriously?

[MobiusPsyche]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. The hospital should not have laughed at you, but they usually don't admit people just for self-injury (not anymore, that is). [Also, self-injury is common among people with Borderline Personality Disorder and they really recommend against hospitalization in most cases for people with that disorder.] Yes, do continue wearing long sleeves until you feel comfortable.

I'm glad that you didn't get any relief from the cutting. It can become an addiction, seriously. If you didn't find it reinforcing, you are less likely to turn to it in the future.

Did you tell your therapist that you were never going to do it again? If you told him that you didn't find it reinforcing, then he may feel that it's not an ongoing danger. I don't understand why he would not want to talk about it, honestly. But some therapists are not experienced working with this behavior, and some are not comfortable talking about it.

[Fuzzybear]

[Skeezyks]

Hello Brentus: I'm sorry you have had this most unfortunate experience. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here. But suffice it to say that your experiences do not surprise me.

Self-harm has been a problem for me too. I've also made 2 serious bids to end my life, both of which ended with me being admitted to 2 different hospital psychiatric wards. Yet, once I was out, both times it was like I had just been out of town for a couple of weeks. I also feel alone & crazy most of the time. But everyone around me just wants to pretend everything's okay... so that's what I give 'em.

It used to be that I would walk through the day hoping to find an answer. However, at this point, I've come to the conclusion there is no answer. Everything simply is what it is. It's left to me to figure it all out on my own, to whatever extent that is possible; & to find the strength within to live with things the way they are to the extent that it is not.

I send hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

[MtnTime2896]

I've been known to turn to self harm every now and then. I mostly use it because physical pain is what (in my mind) I feel I deserve; other times I use it in order to get out of a dissociative/hypervigilant state. If you didn't feel anything helpful, you might not turn to it again.

"...how fatigue and chronic illness -- mental or otherwise debilitates you to a point where "rational understanding" becomes irrational."

This is very common and if it bothers you, definitely bring it up again with your therapist. Don't let him skate over it; make him understand how much of a concern this is for you. If it's a concern for you, it should be for him.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I've been known to turn to self harm every now and then. I mostly use it because physical pain is what (in my mind) I feel I deserve; other times I use it in order to get out of a dissociative/hypervigilant state. If you didn't feel anything helpful, you might not turn to it again.

"...how fatigue and chronic illness -- mental or otherwise debilitates you to a point where "rational understanding" becomes irrational."

This is very common and if it bothers you, definitely bring it up again with your therapist. Don't let him skate over it; make him understand how much of a concern this is for you. If it's a concern for you, it should be for him.

Thank you for your response. Perhaps my therapist doesn't see how significant this is to me-- especially since his contact was text based and not in person. I'm glad you brought that to my atttention. You're 100% right. If it matters to me-- it matters.