It Could Be Worse?

How I've gone through life:

1). Getting hit by mom, by older brother, at school ---It could be worse.

2). Dad kicking me out all of the time, getting drunk, telling me I'm stupid and completely worthless. ---It could be worse.

3). Getting jumped twice. ---It could be worse.

4). Being diagnosed with PTSD, major depression, several anxiety disorders, I.E.D., ADHD, and most recently seeing paper work go through labeling me bipolar (and a lot of other mentioned disorders that aren't official dx) ---It could be worse.

5). Being unable to maintain a job, being a burden on my fiance (my words, not his) and overall feeling worthless. ---It could be worse.

6). "We found something we weren't expecting." Melanoma stage 3b at eighteen. ---It could be worse.

So many other situations where I told myself the classic line of, "It could be worse." There are benefits to having this style of thinking and there are some downfalls. One benefit, it helps me get through the situation because I know I could be dealing with worse. A downfall, I don't see myself as actually dealing with hardship because I see others go through worse; so why the hell am I complaining?
Yes, my life could be worse, a lot worse. No, that doesn't make what I went through easy. Yes, I'm still suffering from past events. No, I'm no longer having to live with many of them.

I'm going to be honest, I'm writing this as a reflection of self. I'm analyzing how I've made it and how it made things worse/better in some ways. Lately, I feel invalid and I'm seeing others feel the same. I tell them they are valid and I mean it with every fiber of my being. I tell myself the same and I quickly retort with a, "Doesn't change a damn thing because I know I'm not worth ****."
I'm in a constant battle with myself and my mind. To be honest, there's not a single person on this earth that can tear me down faster and more effectively than I can. I have one gift, that gift is to beat myself up so that I won't ever become Icarus. Stay low, stay small and maybe nothing will happen. Live for a little while and be kicked down to my ultimate demise. These are my choices. Too bad I'm so indecisive.

That you went through all that and still can see the positive, even if it is only in others is clear demonstration of your worth.

I appreciate it, qwerty. Thanks for being there for me.

You are a very kind hearted and selfless person. I often see your posts of despair and reaching out, but in the same time frame I see you comforting others in their time of need. It is a profound thing to lend an ear while needing one yourself.

You do the same, quite a bit. Thank you.

You have helped me and others so much. I look up to you because you really are more of a fighter than you realize. Otherwise, you wouldn't be such a wonderful person despite having to deal with so many serious events.
Please don't kick yourself about the job thing. It's a tough economy; so many young people are unemployed. The obstacles you have dealt with will make it so you will just be a "late bloomer."
It's OK if you have to take it one day at a time. As you have said, you are still suffering the aftereffects of past events. Please don't beat yourself up if you need time to deal with these aftereffects before you take your next steps. As always, I encourage you to continue to seek help at your own pace and in your own terms.
Please always feel free to message me anytime. When you share some of your pain it is an honor for me. And it could be much, much better; I hope those days are coming for you!

Thanks, Myst. for everything. All of the advice, encouragement and a listening ear.

You help people here so much, having been through so much and when you're in so much pain - we can clearly see your worth

Thanks Fuzzy.

shame.jpeg

That resonates with me.
It is as if someone or something has cut the wires to the self-worth circuits in the brain.

I'm sorry you can resonate with that statement. It's tough when you work like crazy to build yourself up, only to be torn down again, by your own self.