[Stevieschild]

I understand, actually, can appreciate that my child will say unreasonable things, due to her depression, especially when in a rage. I understand that the depression is behind the wheel and the filters are not functioning. I have been told and have read that she needs me to listen. I wouldn't even consider some stupid platitude. I know that, as much as I want, I can't fix her. But, do I need to continue to sit as she hurls insults and vitriol at me, over and over? Please know, I am trying to sort through the things she says, to recognize where I am culpable, whether because of something I never intended to hurt her or just because it's the way she perceived it. I accept. But, the ongoing verbal abuse, trying to give credence to things I didn't do -- it's starting to creep inside me. Do I have to, quietly, let her rage, over and over, or can I say I need to exit these sessions, for the time being. Help me.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Stevieschild: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

With regard to the specifics of your post, I should first say I am not a mental health professional. So what I will say here is strictly my own personal opinion. Personally, what you're describing does not sound like depression to me. (I won't suggest what it does sound like because, there again, I'm not a mental health professional and I personally feel that guessing at diagnoses by non-professionals potentially does more harm than good.) But, in my experience at least, a person who is struggling with unipolar depression would lack the energy, or the desire, to launch the kind of vitriolic attacks you describe. So I wonder if your child has been professionally evaluated. Of course it is true that, often times, mental health professionals like to label anything that moves as depression. It's easy. But that doesn't make it accurate. So the first thing I would suggest here is to have your child evaluated if she has not been. Or if she has, perhaps consider seeking a second opinion.

Beyond that, I would say... no... you absolutely should not have to sit and absorb the kind of verbal abuse it sounds like you're receiving. You are not a whipping post. And it is not doing either you, or your child, any good to allow her to pummel you as she sees fit. Absolutely no one else in her life will ever put up with such treatment. So the sooner whatever is going on with her is treated, & she learns more appropriate ways to channel her anger, the better... in my opinion. You are going to have to learn to establish and enforce some personal boundaries with her. In order to do this effectively, you may find that you'll need to procure some individual counseling / therapy for yourself as well as some family counseling for your child, yourself, & anyone else who is a member of the family.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[MtnTime2896]

No, you shouldn't be sitting through that ****. You're not her own verbal punching bag. You're her parent and she needs to respect that.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I still think discipline is very important. Depression should not be an excuse to be abusive, (I'm not even sure why it would be, tbh) and I'd be concerned that letting her getting away with it repeatedly would only serve to teach her it's okay. It sounds more like other issues are going on to cause that sort of repeated outbursts. Sorry if I sound insensitive--I'm typing against the clock here at 2:42am with someone wanting me. Hah Take care and good luck to you and your daughter.

Also, remember to look after #1 as well; this is very important when trying to support someone else with mental health difficulties.

[Stevieschild]

Thank you for the support. To clarify, my child has been diagnosed with depression, and I found out recently, PTSD -- because of me. I was sick, on daily IV meds for extended periods, and became debilitated. My illness came on rather abruptly, rendering me quite different from the vital, super involved, attentive mom I had been. I struggled with my symptoms, but still did everything I was physically capable of for my children, called in family to help with what I couldnt do (I couldn't even drive for years because of seizures, etc.). And, tried very hard to show my children that they were loved. But, I always knew that it wouldn't be enough, somehow, that they would be marked by it. However, all of my children became decidedly more independent and mature than their counterparts. At the same time, this child, as I've been told, has developed severe anxiety and was marked far deeper. I understand. But, I don't know how to deal with the rage about something I had no control over, the trauma that resulted from one particular EMS call, the hospitalizations. Part of me says I was doing my best. But, now, I'm being told it wasn't enough. In fact, throughout my illness, I tried to get my family into counseling, but everyone resisted. Now, with my child's deterioration, I've tried again. I've been refused. I am damned if I try to help this child, damned if I don't call at the exact moment that he is feeling down. I get yelled at if I ask how they are doing, if there is anything I can do. I get yelled at if I don't.
I am in a tailspin. Again, I know that the depression is driving things. I always considered myself reasonably intelligent, a decent communicator, able to read people to an effective degree. But, I'm lost here.

[Stevieschild]

Thank you for the insight. I've spent so much time trying to learn and practice the doc's and don't s of what has manifested in this child. But, I haven't found anything, yet, that deals with this specific problem. I know, intuitively, that I need to set boundaries about this behavior. But, the other part of me knows she has a reason for being angry, however unjust I feel its application -- I couldn't help being ill and did everything I could to make sure they were cared for and knew that they were loved.

I'm going through a similar thing...I sympathize. I don't know where to draw the line, or even if I should draw one.

One of us, it seems, is bound to end up suffering more than the other. As a parent, I guess I 'm supposed to draw the short straw.

I just don't know if I have the strength to keep it up indefinitely...

[MtnTime2896]

It's not hidden on this site that I dealt with some **** from my parents. So when I tell you that this sounds like the flip-side of what I went through; it is. Just like a parent doesn't have the right to do this, neither does the kid. You just don't treat people that way. Ever.
This has to stop.