[Kit Kat234]

Hi - I have MDD among other things, and was in a serious car accident two months ago that damaged my cervical spine, muscles & ligaments around my neck and back, and is pinching several nerves leaving me in constant pain with limited mobility and use of my right arm. I was very active before the accident, and have two pre-teen kids and a distant, slightly supportive husband who is a workaholic. I'm also the primary caregiver for my father, who has advanced dementia & stage 4 lymphoma at 88. He's in a nearby facility.

Thankfully I have a job that is somewhat flexible, and I have filed for disability accommodations but it takes time. My job is somewhat independent, but my colleagues don't understand about my current disability & injuries, and know nothing about my depression and other conditions.

In a nutshell, I am having a very hard time. I am overwhelmed - my life was difficult enough (long story) without this accident, but I had outlets. I've been in therapy and continue it. But now I also have more doctors, PT 2x/week, more meds, more driving, more lawyers and professionals, more complexity... and yet feel less support, less hope, less - life, I guess. I'm trying to come to terms with the realization that I am, for now, disabled, and that I will likely be so for some time. The hope is that as treatment continues, the pain will be reduced and my mobility will return (mostly), and that within a year, I will likely be able to return to most of my activities with residual pain (but not constant) and some residual mobility constraints (less, but permanent).

My kids are wonderful and amazing and exhausting. My husband doesn't get it, nor do my friends. It's difficult for me to cook with my disability and I've reached out to my church, friends, family (distant), and neighbors (which is so hard for me to do) and had no response. Maybe because the accident wasn't in town, maybe because I don't "look" disabled, maybe because I still try to do what I can and smile and socialize... or maybe people just don't care about me that much.

My husband works a 60 hour week and commutes 3 hrs a day. I am still working full-time, but my condition and meds mean I pretty much can't do anything intellectual after 1p. I do what I can but it's never enough. I am behind in everything and it is a struggle to get through each hour of each day.

My doc says I need outlets - but my outlets are "out." Yoga, cello, drawing, knitting, puzzles, running, biking, walking (with and without the dog), hiking... I can't do, and won't be able to do for at least the next few months (tho the sports are out for longer). I am trying to meditate and pray. I used to go to open AA meetings but for a number of reasons that's very difficult now. I still talk to my sponsor, and to my close friends and family - none of whom live nearby.

What do you do when you're doing everything right and yet it's not working? I see my pdoc in two weeks and will probably change meds as I do not like the Pristiq, but the only other option for me (I burned through most, and GeneSight confirmed why) is Fetzima unless I go to the heavy-duty meds that most docs avoid. My PCP thinks that in addition to ADD, I also have anxiety and possibly OCD, and wants me to go on a small dose of Ritalin for the afternoon. My pdoc wants me to lessen "uppers" like Evekeo (hated it) and give in to the pain and exhaustion to rest.

The reality is I have children, a husband, a father, and a full-time job. None of those things can change. My DH is doing what he can with what he has, and I don't have the ability to get him to work less/do more at home. 17 years of marriage, I know him well.

I know my cycle, and I am spinning around it and headed down. I'm already downing chocolate and caffeine and then alcohol at night to self-medicate. My urges around my anorexia and self-harm are activating as well.

I guess I'm writing this in the hope that you can share a bit of your story and how you are dealing with blows that happen when your depression is active. Suggestions are very welcome, as is experience with ADD/depression and related meds (especially Fetzima). I feel so alone and hopeless.

All this sounds tough; of course you are not doing well. Accidents take so much longer to heal than you ever expect. When I seriously hurt myself Apr 2015--I was getting even more depressed that October thinking that I could never do many things again. I was pleasantly surprised that in Apr 2016--some of the worst pain, numbness, and weakness became livable (the stubborn numbness in my right arm even went away). So that part just takes a lot of time.

I do not know how you handle everything else. It sounds to me like you have more than enough outlets. I think you need to rest, think, and walk. Plus some encouragement. Don't push yourself to hard. Though having to do some things even if they hurt is better than just laying around feeling useless all day. But be careful--sometimes, if you pay attention you notice activities cause pain. You have to start doing stuff but gingerly and slowly. If you hurt more than usual, think back to what you have been doing and take note of it. (Don't overly worry though, lots of time helps) Try to accept that while you are healing, you are not going to be as efficient as you once were. It is over one and a half years since my accident (it was an attempt) and I am still not as productive as I once was--just now feel hopeful that I can do some more additional things again.

Sorry all these things are happening to you. The numbness used to drive me crazy, I hope you get rid of that one. Sincerely, Myst

[Skeezyks]

Hello Kit Kat234: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm afraid I don't have any particularly useful suggestions to offer. From what you wrote, it sounds like you're doing everything you can & more. However I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

P.S. By the way, with regard to your physical symptoms, are you familiar with PsychCentral's sister website: NeuroTalk? There are many members there who are very experienced with, & knowledgeable regarding, the types of physical health challenges you're facing. You might consider signing in there as well.

NeuroTalk Support Groups

[Stronger]

Hi friend,

I am sorry you are struggling so much right now. I just want to be able to relate in that I also have MDD and I play the cello too and have anorexia and an invisible disability (narcolepsy). It's so hard when the people in your life just don't get it and you feel like you're at the end of your rope.
But for whatever it's worth, I want to encourage you to keep going. To stick it out and to keep pushing through. Like the saying, if you're going through hell, just keep going.
And never forget that turning to your eating disorder is only a bottomless pit of a trap that will never lead you ultimately where you want to go. It will only sink you even further. Same thing with self-harm. That's what I have to keep telling myself right now because I've been struggling a lot lately with urges to go back into my ED and self harming behaviors.
Hopefully you are able to find PC helpful. I know it has been for me!
Hang in there friend, and keep fighting!

[Yzen]

You are going through so much. I hope it gets better soon. When I am overwhelmed, it helps me to stop during the day and take even 15- 30 minutes out to look at the big picture to decide what is most important and what to put aside for now. Determine what is most essential and let go of everything else.

[little turtle]

you are not alone....please be very careful with what you are eating and drinking...
one of the fundamental keys for health is your relationships....hugs for you

[Fuzzybear]

[MickeyCheeky]

Sorry to hear your situation I think you need a break from this stressful life.. can't you find a little bit of time for yourself? I don't even mean doing any activity in particular - just take your time and relax. Also, you can ask your family about this! If you tell them, I'm sure they'll understand your needs. It looks like you have a pretty lovable family, right?

Be strong... everything will pass at some point.