I really need some help

that's all.

Hello, Sophiesmom. What kind of help do you need? (I understand Xanax doesn't work for you.)

I'm so grateful to you both.

I am not sure I can deal with this pain much longer.

I am a burden and I am even a burden to myself.

I am worried for myself.

Well, you're not a burden here. If you feel you can't trust yourself right now, I might advise a visit to your local hospital or a call to a hotline. Just know that you have people on this site who care for you.

I'll be here throughout most of tonight if you need someone to talk to.

My powerful emotions are reason-resistent. My "best" counters - apart from meds - are all indirect: sleep, food, personal hygiene, quiet, relaxing or inspiring music, distractions, recreation (if at all possible)...

Thank you both...

I would sleep. But I won't be able to and I'll end up staring at the ceiling. It makes the evening very long.

I do so much appreciate your suggestions

I'm going to be honest, I've been in a similar boat for these past few nights. What's kept me going and not doing anything is that I don't let myself be alone. Granted I am physically but I've been chatting with people. Whether it'd be on here or facebook; I haven't allowed myself to break away from interacting. I don't much talk about what's bothering me during these conversations because the goal is to distract myself. I just talk about TV, music, art, politics (oh, the politics) and a bunch of randoms things. It's helped me out immensely to get through this week since I'm holding off on going into treatment until the Monday after Thanksgiving. You're welcome to talk with me through PM. I'm an insomniac so I'll probably be awake through to tomorrow.

Dear Sophiesmom-- You have really encouraged me in so many ways and I am grateful for that. Here is an awkward attempt to encourage you.

I sense that (let me know if I am way off the mark here) you are scared and/or ashamed to talk about what is specifically bothering you. I'm not saying that you have to post it all here. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to find and learn to trust someone with our most painful thoughts (a T, PC friend, etc.). After all, if you weren't ruminating or avoiding a disturbing subconscious thought, you would eventually find staring at the ceiling so boring that you would fall asleep (unless you need to cut back on coffee or another stimulant).

I have not posted all of my "dirty laundrey" on PC, but lately, I have surprised myself concerning how much I have revealed. I sometimes feel like I make a spectacle of myself with the silly things I say, but, for me, it has helped me vent some of my sadness and guilt which, in turn, has helped my mental state. I am not sure if this would help everyone. It seems to help me because I am definitely an extroverted person. Perhaps confessing embarrassing things would not be helpful for you if you are an introverted person. Private messaging can be very helpful when you are concerned about oversharing. Like Só leigheas, you can PM me anytime. I sometimes PM Só leigheas and she has helped me a lot. There are so many of us at PC who really like you and would love to get to know you.

I truly hope you got some sleep last night. Sleep makes a world of difference. Sincerely, Myst

So I ended up in the emergency room....a place I have never been for me...

I was in a great deal of distress and couldn't deal with any part of my life....

What they did...check my heart, ask what I ad taken (ativan and xanax) what worked (nothing)
They they gave me...ativan IV. He said I would sleep (I didn't) He said it would help (it didn't) he said to be sure not to drive (I didn't', but I could have with no ill effects, I assure you)

I don't get why that's all they have....I left there feeling worse (if that's possible) than when I went in .....
Because I expected a minute amount of relief and I just felt worse,....what happened to "first do no harm"....

So sorry that the trip to the ER didn't help but take some solace in the fact that you advocated for yourself and tried to do something that you thought would help. Hope you find some relief soon. You are not a burden here.

Would you have liked to have been admitted and did you speak to a psychiatrist

No I didn't passionfruit...

I have had a psychiatrist in the past and didn't find it helpful...

It was a panic situation for me (literally) and they didn't do a damn thing except do what I told them doesn't work for me....
Do medical personnel think that because you have a mental illness that EVERYTHING you say is untrue?

I don't think they necessarily think everything we say is untrue...but they just believe themselves to be right, always. They know what is meant to work (even though no one really knows how) and just automatically go for those options probably without properly listening to us. They hear symptoms and think of the standard solution for that regardless.