A Mean Monster

My precious sister died a month ago after a long battle with cancer. She was fifteen years older than me; in many ways more like a really fun, caring mother than a sister, especially when I was young. While she was so sick, the final year of her life, we didn't see too much of each other. Part of that was because we were living in different towns. We were in contact several times a week by email or on Facebook. She was an amazingly bright and lively woman. Now...nothing because, of course, she's no longer on the earth.

I have another sister; she is 18 years older than I am. We do not see eye-to-eye on many things and, while we were somewhat close in past years, we rarely have any contact anymore.

I have lost my parents, grandparents, all five of my aunts and uncles, many, many beloved pets, and now, my sister.

I was actually hanging in there, thought I was doing pretty well. On the day my sister died, I was notified that my pdoc (a terrific lady) was no longer with the clinic. They cancelled my appointment and I've never seen her again. I have an appointment with another pdoc, but not until mid-December.

I'm on many meds, maximum doses, and they were really helping over the summer and fall. A few days ago, at the one-month mark of my sister's death, one of my cats had diarrhea and I absolutely plunged into terror. I took him to the vet, he's on medication and will hopefully get better.

My depression is smashing me. It came on so suddenly this time. The time change is contributing; the early darkness following the pale blue wintry day. I feel like I'm crazy again. There are no more med changes I can make; I've made them all. This post is just...me trying to give voice to the way I'm feeling.

Sometimes we need to supply a voice to the thoughts in ours heads and I'm glad you did it on here. I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your sister, she sounds like a terrific person. Are there any coping mechanisms you've used in the past to ease your depression?

Right now, I have to set goals for myself (that'd normally be ridiculous). Like, right now I'm forcing myself to stay out of bed for a certain number of hours per day. If I don't, then my depression gets worse. Maybe small goals could assist you with your depression. I hope your cat feels much better and can cuddle with you during this time.

Thank you so much, So leigheas. Your post is so thoughtful. I've been so upset over my sister's death that I couldn't really do more than mention it a bit on some posts here on PC. I like your 'small goals' idea. The trick is to give myself credit for doing whatever I can do. For example, I managed a walk this morning, but all I could tell myself was, 'You didn't walk far enough'. I know better than that...I would give huge credit to a friend who was depressed and took a walk. But when it's myself...well, you know how it goes.

My kitty Solomon is snuggled up near the heater.

Solomon sounds like a sweat little guy.

I understand being your own worst critic. How about this, though: You realized your cat was in trouble with his health and without hesitation you took care of it and protected your cat. That's an accomplishment in itself and a bit heroic. That walk that you took, that was something that even I can't bring myself to do too often. I'm proud of you for that. While you need to work on your inner critic and tell them to not be such an ***-hole; I'll be here reminding you that you're accomplishing things and able make it day to day. I'm proud of you, especially for being able to mention your sister on here. I've lost people and I can't even write down their names. You're very strong, remember that.

Thank you, thank you, sooo much. You are so kind.

Hi, LauraBeth, my gosh I had no idea you have lost so many blood relatives. I'm so sorry. I'm sure you know that not many people could survive all that - you are stronger than probably anyone who isn't you.

The pale winter days will be over soon and give way to a beautiful spring. The older I get, the faster time goes. So I don't sweat the winter. It's awfully short. It will be spring soon.

Have you given any thought to buying a SAD light? I've only read about them on pc, but yeah, they're a"thing". It might help and I don't think it's very expensive.