[RJ42]

I tend to think few people know the true meaning of sacrifice. To me, it means giving up parts of yourself to help others and knowing the cost may be pain and suffering. Being able to understand and bare that cost is what completes the sacrifice and makes it true to me.

There is a downside to sacrifice. A person can sacrifice so much to help others, and run out of parts of theirself to pay the cost. I am certain this is where I am. I have sacrificed everything to help others, so much so, I feel empty, left behind, forgotten, cold, and alone in a dark and desolate nowhere.

I've never experienced the one thing that fills a person back up. I have given so much, that I am in debt to pain and suffering. I feel as though I am just taking up space, and feel like the walking dead....wandering around with a very old and tired soul that is slowly fading away. I wish I had thought of myself sooner before the damage was done, but I couldn't and still can't. I feel dirty and downright disgusted with myself, if I try to think of myself.

I heard this quote once and feel it holds true for me...."Old soldiers don't die, they just fade away."

I am so grateful for all the sacrifices you have made. I know you served some really tough combat duty plus had an unfortunate work related accident. Are there any veteran's clubs in your area like a Veterans of Foreign Wars meeting place near where you live? I know it is hard for you to drive, but I think that only others who have served in combat can truly understand all the feelings that accompany the sacrifice. Also, for me, socializing (even if it is on this forum) helps with my depression. To say that you are depressed is understating the depths of your anguish.
I do think you are right that you are a very giving person. I am thinking of you and hoping you can feel less darkness soon. I continue to think of and hope for better things for you, your mom and your grandmother. Myst

[RJ42]

I appreciate it Myst. I know what would help me but I don't think I'm meant to have it. So I just do the best I can with what I have. My grandmother is responding well to antibiotics and my mother will be on them soon. I hope all is well with you.

[Fizzyo]

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[dexter]

Good luck to you RJ42

[MtnTime2896]

My uncle told me something along those lines, one day. It broke my heart to hear him say that. I remember telling him, "You look pretty damn full to me." I didn't understand what he was saying at the time. He teared up, gave me a smile and went back to teaching me how to breath when I before each shot.
I haven't said this to you before, so I'll say it now: Thank you. I can never truly understand what you've been through and what you've sacrificed, but I'm grateful. I hope you find peace and happiness with your daughters before your time is up, here.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're a good person.

[RJ42]

Thank you everyone. Each day that passes, I weaken even further. I don't have anything to refill what I give. The greatest thing I could get for Xmas, at this point, is to go to sleep Xmas eve and not wake up Xmas morning....so I can finally rest and be...at peace. I am that tired. Wish I wasn't, but it is what it is.

[Fizzyo]

Wishing you peace, somehow, somewhere.

I can't imagine what it's like being you, but I really hope and pray (however you understand it) that something will give you hope of some sort.

This sounds rediculous but is meant sincerely.

[RJ42]

I appreciate it Fizzy and do not find it ridiculous. There is only one thing in existence that would help. It's the one thing I have never had and doubt I ever will. The one and only thing any person with a heart could want. I've only seen ugliness through my life. I am saddened by the fact that there are others like me that have had and continue to have that ugliness. Everyone who has talked to me on here gives me some hope there are good people still around. Thanks again for taking time to respond everyone.

I don't mean to sound so negative and defeated, but what I say about only ugliness in my life is true. How can people that have had so very little good happen, even contemplate positive things? I am down so much because of wanting good but only being met with disappointment after disappointment. I sincerely appreciate the comments you all make. I'm just not used to people actually listening.

[Aardwolf]

"How much are you willing to sacrifice"- For some it is nothing, for others it is everything that they are. No-one will understand until they have had to do it.
Theater changes people, as I am sure you are aware. I understand how your view on life, especially towards yourself will change.

We are always here to listen.

[RJ42]

Thank you. I've sacrificed all that I am on several occasions. I'd give anything and everything for those I care about. I put my life at stake more than once. Each time I have, another piece inside me died.

[Fuzzybear]