Good memories and liking yourself

I was reading through some coping skills things. Most of it was the usual bland "take a walk," "get more sleep" stuff, but two of them kind of stuck out to me because of how hard I found them.

1. Write down a list of things you like about yourself

and

2. When you are feeling upset, try to think about a happy memory.

I realized that if I had to write a list of things I like about myself, I would not put down a single thing. I just don't like myself. I don't know. I'm kind of surprised and upset by that. It kinds of makes me feel like a total failure and really messed up that I can't even do a stupid coping skill.

And also, all my happy memories are POLLUTED with grief or sadness.

Maybe I'm in a particularly bad Depression Hole and can't see anything good right now, and maybe once I get on some meds to jumpstart my brain I will feel better and will be able to do it. But it eats at me that I don't like myself and that I don't have any truly happy memories right now.

On the other hand, I took the Sanity Score test six months ago when I joined and again this week, and both times scored 100 on self-esteem. So it might be more than just the Depression Hole.

I do not find or consider myself disgusting or anything like that, but neither is "liking myself" any part of how I think. I know I can be likeable, but whether someone else might like me or not is for him or her to decide. So, maybe the goal is to simply be aware of our likeable traits so we can at least be able to believe we are not the reason so many people seem to have no interest in us or ever notice us.

Just yesterday I was saying to my wife the same kind of thing you have said about memories. I have many pleasurable memories of people, places and things in days past, but none of those can actually trump the realities of today.

Does any of that prove we are total failures? Nah, just that we no longer burn quite as brightly or whatever.

Also I'm sorry to be posting so much all over the forums lately, I've just felt so tired and whiny. And really, really persistently negative about everything. Which is why I was reading over some coping skills stuff. There's a weight on me that won't go away and it makes me sad and colors my days a shade darker. Only the extremely bright moments are enough to shine through, everything else is dull and monotonous and exhausting.

That is a really good point I hadn't considered. Thank you!

Mostly with the memories, my brain just goes immediately to the pain associated with them. Like, a good memory with a family member...that person died. A friend...that person stabbed me in the back. An experience...it's darkened by the longing for a time when I wasn't so depressed, a time when I felt joy and had hope. Trying to think of happy memories just hurts really badly. Can most people just disconnect memories from their greater context and put them in little bubbles of happiness? I always see the entire thing, horizon to horizon and the bad almost always outweighs the good.

I do realize now I was having an especially bad day when I posted this. I went swimming afterwards and did a bunch of things to try and distract myself out of being focused on misery. It helped to at least get me through the really bad spell. This dreary weather is partly to blame. Grey, grey, grey, cold, rainy. Plus a lot of financial problems.

I don't like the idea of not being bright ever again. I understand though. I can only do what I can do.