Missing Depression

I have a pDoc appointment the day after tomorrow, and will ask him too, but can anyone relate or is this maybe like a personality flaw?

It's been about a year since hospitalization/last crisis and i'm fully stable. Yay! I'm on a good regime: an SSRI, mood stabilizer and as needed Ativan for panic attacks. I still have self harm thoughts, but they are limited to maybe once a day with little to no urge. I'm now in grad school and made all A's this first semester.

Sometimes though, I miss my depression. I don't miss the feelings or suicidality, I mostly just miss how in touch I was able to be with myself. Not like i'm numb or anything; I just miss escaping to my room/bed and being alone with myself and my convoluted thoughts.

The "real world" is fine, I just can't figure it out. I've considered:

* is it normal to grieve depression/self harm
* is it actually a side ways version of just "urges" to harm myself (but i'm not really interested in physically harming myself/feeling pain - just want the wounds; i've also been picking a lot lately so that may be why)
* do I want attention (I don't feel like I do; my family didn't even know I was seeing a therapist or on meds for the three years prior to hospitalization)
* do I want to self sabotage; why?
* am I just bored

Thoughts?

Maybe you miss the familiarity of depression and how you used to cope. It was part of your identity for some time. You are different now.

It is inspiring to read how well you are doing. Congratulations on being stable and all those A's!

It's great that you don't feel numb because some medications can have that effect. Have you tried scheduling time to be depressed? Maybe Tuesday night from 8-10 pm I'm going to go to my room and be depressed and very in touch with my thoughts and feelings. Set an alarm so you definitely stop at ten pm. Might be an interesting experiment. You might find out you don't miss it as much as you thought, or you might find that it's a way to get more in touch with your feelings.

ETA I've done this with anxiety before and it helped me. I've never tried it with depression though.

I get similar feelings/thoughts sometimes. It's comfortable being in the depression because it is familiar. However when it no longer controls your life, it can be somewhat scary being liberated because it's almost like we're expected to act completely different.

But if you're like me and have always had depression running in the background (sometimes it's more prominent than other times), then you'd know that our actions and decisions don't change by much since we're still hardwired as the same person. We just might not be caught up in the intense rumination and overthinking dark thoughts.

I also don't think it's because you're bored or seeking attention. It's probably just a natural part of who we are. We tend to feel more intensely and thus need more time on our own to sort out the emotions, especially if something comes up that is overwhelming.

I wish I could say I miss depression but I can't. I was just released from the hospital about 2 weeks ago after having a long bout of SIs. Although those thoughts have subsided I am still feeling depressed and like I am still no good.

Change is uncomfortable. It's ok to feel this way.

You could be craving some introspection and existential pondering. I listen to specific music or look at art when i have that need.