[MtnTime2896]

If I get through this, by some ****ing miracle, what happens then? Can't go back to what I actually loved doing. My diagnoses alone won't let me go back. What then? Find some new purpose? What if getting "better" -- if that's even possible -- is just another let down. What if I get through this, somehow, only to realize I'm still messed up? I hate "what if's" but this time, it's valid. What if I'm not actually capable of being 'okay'? Not happy, 'okay'. If I get better, then what's the point? To feel better until life hits below the belt like it inevitably will? Then restart this process all the **** over again?

Why the hell should I live through this? Can I even do it or am I too messed up? What happens then?

I think that, with reflection, you may find more peace about the person you are (a sweet, wonderful, creative person). You are young so who knows what path you may eventually take. Work, marriage, children, our health...all these things can lead us down roads where we never imagined going. Hopefully, good things will happen and you will start enjoying more of the ride.....

[qwerty68]

Someone here, maybe Myst told me that I am not my diagnosis, that is true. You are not your diagnosis, you are a strong and caring person that has been saddled with crap. Don't let it define you.

Things come, they go, they came back even meaner and nastier. It sucks. I feel like Wile E. Coyote walking around with a 10 ton anvil over my head. It is not fun. Now that I am off my anti-depressant and anti-psychotic I can clearly see a cliff ahead of me that will hurt bad when I fall off. That is okay because things will be okayish until then and it is the better times that matter in the long run. I guess that is a benefit to having severe depression over 2 decades, the worst times become a blur that I don't remember much from.

Sorry for mixing up my metaphors and sounding illiterate. Since my antidepressant was my sleep aid, I am on a bunch of sleepy/relaxing supplements and they are kicking in and making me woozy.

Try to have a good night and I will look forward to reading your posts tomorrow as always. I wish I could be more helpful.

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks guys. I'm just scared and frustrated. Holidays do that to me. Just knowing what I have to do and how I have to act when I see my dad. I've never known another way to be and idea of changing scares the hell out me, you know? I'm so damn scared.

[MommaD]

I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time. The holidays are particularly tough on a lot of us. It's easy to say but hard to do, given our illnesses, but if you can, try to focus on the present moment and less about a future that's truly unpredictable. There may come a day (I pray it's true for all of us) that we'll look back on today and say I'm glad I hung in there.
It's not this day, and right now it probably feels like it never will be. But even if you can't imagine it, can you imagine the possibility of it? Even if it's just a .000001% chance?
Keep posting. Clearly from the responses here, people care about you!

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks MommaD, I'll try.

[BadWolfC]

I've been wondering that too. But for me it isn't the holidays, I go through phases based on people around me. Though, could be that people are lashing out at me because they're stressed about the holidays. Not a good excuse for them though...

Hopefully we can all get through this till January.