[wickedwings]

i'm alive and dead at the same time. it's so much torture living like this. i have a wonderful hubby, and 4 pets, whom i love so much. i live in a place full of nature. i can't feel alive. wish to feel alive. no joy, excitement, or pleasure. i can't feel, except for so much sadness and pain. i'm a black hole that sucks the good around me away. it just is. i don't intend it to happen. so much suffering. no reason at all for all this suffering. doing things i used to enjoy doing is unbelievably uninteresting to me. i know it's cool, but i can't feel the pleasure. i'm not suicidal, but i'm wishing something to do a huge clock on my head to end my suffering. the last 1 1/2 years has been sheer torture. i want the pain to end. my soul cries, cries, and cries for mercy. i couldn't cry for a long while, until yesterday, i think. i'm still crying since i began yesterday. no relief in sight. i hope i'm not being a black hole in pc. i'm sorry if i am..... wish the pain would stop. it's been so constant for so long, too long. my depression is breaking my heart, and i can't stop it. it's breaking my mind, my soul, my life, my health. i just want to live. i can't live. need to live, but i just can't. depression won't allow me to live. i'm a walking dead. i'm scary because my soul has a weird void in it, hungry for life that it could suck life away. i can't do that because i would hate to suck life away. i should be locked away with the key thrown away because my eyes are sucking life away. it's so unbelievably, freaking sad. i want to give life, hope, and i have nothing. i'm sorry - don't mean to be so depressing. God, take me away............

[pachyderm]

> God, take me away............

God, give comfort...

[Jacquard]

Hey wickedwings, I hear you. Do me a favor: Each night before you go to sleep, congratulate yourself on battling through another day and winning. Small comfort, I know, but little things like that really help keep the blackness from consuming you.

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((WICKEDWINGS))). I am sorry for your struggles at this time. Have you thought about attending Support Groups in your area for support anfd comfort? NAMI and DBSA both good national groups are good at supporting people with mental health issues. I feel that with your valuable input in being deaf you would be an asset to the groups as an advocate for handicapped people since you are a survivor i many ways (even though you may not see that in yourself) due to the limitations at this time due to your depression. Have you had a physical lately? Many timed depression is linked to medical isues and I know for certain many women have PMDD( a disorder like PMS) that is excruciatingly debilitating when you have Depression or Bipolar disorders. Seeing your therapist and Psych Dr about getting a med change may help as well if your meds have quit working to your benefit or if you are not thriving as you feel you should mentally or physically, or if the depression is overtaking your life in a negative manner. I hope things get better fro you soon (((WW)).Soidhonia