[hur111]

I am a 23 year old male that always had some anxiety or depression. I remember as a kid i was very shy and would get panic attacks from things like the music being too loud or i would constantly worry about getting lost so i would latch on onto my mom when walking anywhere and then on top of all that ive been moved around a lot and taken away from family which made me extremely depressed and i would cry the whole time and always be in pain. The numbness started settling in when i was around 14 years old, i started developing this dont care about anything attitude and i slowly stopped having any emotions for family and friends.

From 18-21 I spent a lot of my time overthinking things, getting my mind lost, spending hours and hours each night trying to figure things out, thinking im going crazy or have some mental disease. I constantly looked for something to blame everything on, i was 100% sure i was mentally ill and i went from doctors to mental homes but they told me its nothing serious but depression and anxiety. I even went for counselling for a year and the psychologist told me that my past experiences caused me to be this way and he was trying to get emotions out of me but it didn't work.

21-23 i started calming down and stopping fueling these wars in my mind that were on loop for years, same stuff rambling on and on in my mind without an end without me even realizing cause i was on auto pilot.

I no longer overthink things and constantly think theres something wrong with me but my mind is really messed up, im very lost and i dont know what to do. I feel anti social, i have no friends and i like it because i hate talking with people even though sometimes im okay and i can pretend that i am happy or to be honest i do feel a little bit happy at times. I am unmotivated and dont really care about anything and i dont want to move out of bed or dont really like doing anything. I could just lay in bed all day and not move. On top of all that i have very bad memory and i still have a lil bit of social anxiety and i get awkward a lot throughout the day, im always working around new people and i feel very awkward a lot of the time, or when i walk around by myself i feel very uncomfortable. Im on autopilot like crazy, if i try and remember what i thought about 2 minutes ago, i have no idea. My mind just does random stuff on its own, i barely ever use it.. I cant get myself to use my head because its too much work even though i know it works because when i get put in charge of an important project at work i instantly gain full control over my mind and i can thinking 100 million things in one go and im 100% aware of everything and nothing seems to be a problem, i can figure anything out. Other than that i mostly feel braindead and exhausted from nothing. Also when i look around everything seems to be in like a dream state, or if i was watching a 1st person movie. Its really scary sometimes because when i turn off autopilot and i just look at stuff around me everything is so surreal, it makes me feel like having a panic attack.

Anyone here feels the same or felt like this and fixed it? im ready to face whatever comes at me

P.S I havent written anything in a long time, my writing skills also suck badly. Took a lot of power to get this out. Sorry if some stuff didnt make sense, especially in the end

[Skeezyks]

Hello hur111: to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I see this is your first post here. May the time you spend here be of benefit.

I'm sorry there is not much of anything I can offer with regard to your experiences. However, I think if you keep posting here on PC, & reading & replying to other members' posts, over time you will likely gain some valuable insight. Once you have had your first 5 posts reviewed & approved, you will also be able to join in on the conversations in the various chat rooms here on PC. And you may well find that to be of benefit as well. Good luck!

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you've been struggling so much. You said you already tried therapy.. maybe give it another try? Maybe that therapist just wasn't a good fit..

Good luck with everything! We're here for you!

[MtnTime2896]

Before you can effectively work on anything, maybe acceptance of what you can't control would help you forward. I agree with Mickey, that attempting therapy with someone different might be a good idea. Some minds are just like yours and that's okay. To be honest, maybe you shouldn't worry about "fixing" it, and just figure a way to cope and live with it. By the way, you writing skills are pretty good for not writing in a while and it all made sense. Welcome to PC.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Hur111. Suggestion: research "depersonalization" and "derealization" and see if anything you find reminds you of your own experience.

Please make yourself at home here.