ouch.... again...

My oldest child posted a picture on Facebook stating how nice it would be if people chose to be real instead of fake/perfect. My response was something to the effect of that people tend to run when things get too real. She responded that is true in my( guiltier's case) because i can be pretty scary, then followed by saying that i tend to run from people when they get too close.
I regret saying anything... as usual. I have had many people walk away and out of my life because it is just too messy. I do push people away when I'm hurting, because I can be like a wounded animal and lash out in my pain.
I would rather hurt myself than hurt anyone else because of my own pain/illness. I walked that path for too many years and still bear that guilt. Both of our comments have been deleted from Facebook and she did semi- apologize, but my feelings are hurt. I once again have been kicked in the teeth for expressing just a tiny portion of the isolation and loneliness I feel so deeply right now.
I'm trying to let it go, but no one else is home with me right now; so it's very easy to brood and play the martyr. I want to drink a glass of wine to numb out, but I know that is a bad idea. soo...

Speaking my truth has only left me feeling exposed & foolish. I wish I had just kept it to myself. I keep to myself as much as I can. I don't know... a glass of wine sounds like a good idea to me... (unless you've struggled with alcohol addiction, of course...) Hope you begin to feel better soon, guiltier65.

Hi guiltier

I'd say that the half of what she didn't apologise for/what came out could be a positive in strengthening your relationship with her.
If she means part of this to be about how you behave towards her then her perception might not be the whole truth anyway, and maybe she needs some reassurance.........sometimes our perceptions don't reflect the total reality, but some reassurance could help.........everyone is going to need reassurance from time to time.
But if you have pushed people away in the past..........maybe she is hesitant to talk to you about some things.........in which case a (constructive) "heart to heart" about the "here and now" inc. how you've perceived things, and how you'd both like things to move on, could really help her in opening up more and help move your relationship with her forward. And forward to an even better level than you thought it was at before. This can be a step in the right direction

But.......how you opened up/expressed those feelings........please don't regret that.........minimally it could have "opened the door" to building on your relationship with your daughter.........but otherwise you are starting to talk about your feelings more, and that has to be good!!!
I don't know how much more you will or won't want to tell your daughter and whether that may change over time, but absolutely keep talking about them to someone, to anyone, to us!!

Alison

I think, in my case, I have come to conclusion that it's just not worth it. I feel , at times like Jack Nicholson "you can't handle the truth!"
I just feel more raw and exposed and then even more alone and isolated.
It all feels just too damn futile. So, I'll endeavor to put the mask back on and move forward.