[Sickofshadows]

Hey everyone,
I haven't really posted here before but I need to talk to someone.
I had a major life event happen almost two months ago and I can't seem to shake the depression that followed. Basically, my long term relationship has ended and we still live together, making the situation even more stressful than need be.
There is nothing that brings me any form of enjoyment anymore. I was severely depressed before the break up and now it just feels like my soul has left.
I used to be really into painting, playing guitar, and writing but I can't seem to even start with that anymore. I miss feeling things other than despair and the ripping feeling in my chest.
Lately, for about a week or so, I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
I think about ending my life every single day and I'm not really sure why I haven't yet. It might be I'm just too scared of the physical pain. I know I could do it though. I just don't want to be another disappointment and form of pain for my family. I don't have the means to see a therapist and my job is really time consuming, so I'm basically screwed.
I don't want to keep on feeling this way anymore. It's never ending.

[JustJace2u]

Can neither of you move out? Just a thought. I know it's not always financially feasible, but your health and wellbeing are more important. I can understand about the SIs, unfortunately for me I ended up in the hospital for a few days.

[MtnTime2896]

I've struggled with intense SI almost every day for so many years I've lost track of a time in my life where I don't remember it happening. It's not an easy thing to live with. As asked above: Is there any way for one of you to move out? If not, maybe try getting an apartment for a few days, just to break away and see if it helps with the SI.

[Leyla]

sorry to hear your going through a rough time, but like the other's suggested with you working, can you not move out of your own, or back with family. i would think living with this same person would make it emotionally harder for you to move on.

as for the things you used to like to do, try taking baby steps. start with painting.... maybe a do alittle bit of that and see if that makes you feel calmer or less emtional about things.

there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. things may look bleak right now, but as the expression goes..THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

take care

[MtnTime2896]

*Hotel room, not apartments.

Sorry meds had me tired.

[Sickofshadows]

Originally Posted by JustJace2u

Can neither of you move out? Just a thought. I know it's not always financially feasible, but your health and wellbeing are more important. I can understand about the SIs, unfortunately for me I ended up in the hospital for a few days.

Sorry about you ending up in the hospital. Ive been there many times and that's what I'm trying to avoid.
To answer the question of whether i could move out: no i cannot. Unfortunately my name is on all of the bills as well as lease. So i do need to stay here. And my family is generally very unsupportive when i have suicidal feelings or past attempts.
I'm not sure if she will move out anytime soon. We rarely speak. When we do speak she snaps at me for asking her questions.
I'm really stuck in a terrible position. I tried to talk to a suicide help line last night and they ended up trying to convert me to Christianity. I mean no one disrepect but that was not what i needed or wanted to hear at the time. Thanks for listening guys. I felt really poorly last night but i bought a weeks worth of groceries today, so I'll be knuckling on through. I wish i had one friend though. It sucks being lonely whilst also depressed at the same time.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

(((HUGS)))
You are not alone here
-LITW

[SgtRock]

Originally Posted by Sickofshadows

Sorry about you ending up in the hospital. Ive been there many times and that's what I'm trying to avoid.
To answer the question of whether i could move out: no i cannot. Unfortunately my name is on all of the bills as well as lease. So i do need to stay here. And my family is generally very unsupportive when i have suicidal feelings or past attempts.
I'm not sure if she will move out anytime soon. We rarely speak. When we do speak she snaps at me for asking her questions.
I'm really stuck in a terrible position. I tried to talk to a suicide help line last night and they ended up trying to convert me to Christianity. I mean no one disrepect but that was not what i needed or wanted to hear at the time. Thanks for listening guys. I felt really poorly last night but i bought a weeks worth of groceries today, so I'll be knuckling on through. I wish i had one friend though. It sucks being lonely whilst also depressed at the same time.

If it's your name on the lease, then kick their butts out. Or find a good way to break the lease and get kicked out.

As for the help line, find another one to call. Were it me, I'd put their damn number everywhere online with the message NOT to call them unless you wanted converted. That is NOT their damn job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're in the US, here's the national lifeline.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

[Curry]

Hi Sickofshadows

I am sorry you are stuck in such a situation where you can't see any light to warm you. I have been in similar situations. When I was a teenager and I decided to stop trying to play roulette with pills. No one cared and I just felt stupid. There were two years where I put one foot in front of the other in a grey world. It was easier to not be playing with the decision on whether to try or give up - that removed the tension. Thirty five years later, six of them living in the same house as my husband trying to believe him that he hadn't kept his mistress and then he left. I have found a way to play like a child again and have moments of joy. Recently, I gave myself a week off life. I carried on doing all the chores but I stepped back from anything bothering me.

[meowmixxx]

I have been feeling very similar to you... I hope things get better. I really do...i wish I had advice but I can't seem to find a solution myself. But everyone here seems very supportive. Take all the advice you can. Maybe I can follow.

[Sickofshadows]

[QUOTE=SgtRock;5461411]If it's your name on the lease, then kick their butts out. Or find a good way to break the lease and get kicked out.

As for the help line, find another one to call. Were it me, I'd put their damn number everywhere online with the message NOT to call them unless you wanted converted. That is NOT their damn job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're in the US, here's the national lifeline.

Thanks,
It made me extremely angry to have someone try to convert me when I was feeling so vulnerable and opening up. It sucks. I tried that chat line as well but it wasn't open I guess. I just don't feel comfortable talking on the phone with a stranger. Thats why I went for the chat option and eventually came here.