[Yellow Knight]

Hey, I haven't posted in a while because I'm actually making slow but positive improvements in my life. I've seen some success in my competitive hobby, my relationships seem to be less rocky than they were a few months ago, the medication I've started taking is now working. The voices are still there of course, but the frequency and strength has diminished. I'm still not where I want to be but a lot of progress has been made.

I decided it was time for me to start taking classes again, my university told me that if I take and do well in 8 classes at a community college they will accept me back to the Engineering school I wanted to do since I was 12 but ended up getting dismissed from. Getting dismissed from what you would call a childhood dream was what manifested my depression and has caused me years of regret. Now, this afternoon, after being away for 3 and a half years, I'm finally going back. I'm really nervous about this, but I've learned to not be afraid of failure, and this time I'm going to succeed in school because I want to, not because there is parental or societal pressure to do so.

Depression is such a horrible desease, and I'm afraid to be honest. I'm not going to say this is the last hurdle to jump between myself and a contented life, but it's by far the highest hurdle. Failure is what created my depression in the first place. Maybe I'm looking for good fortune by writing this out. Since discovering these forums, I've had a dumb goal of writing something in the depression success story sub-forum, and this is the first step.

[Sesiley]

This is good! From experience, my thought process causes my depression too. It's how we view things and how we think..how we decide to react even.

I'm now med free and I've been going to school. Just doesn't seem quick enough for me right now....bc I'm stuck at home raising kids and finishing school online and it's killing me on the inside as being home makes me depressed since I lost my job last year and don't make money right now...I want to go back to work, but nothing pays well when raising kids Daycare takes most of it...and driving everywhere for my kids to be with family...oohhhh

[ken9018]

Glad your doing better and going back to school. Your mind set of not being afraid to fail in wonderful. I wish I had that mindset more often.

[MommaD]

Good for you Yellow Knight. If one of us can make it, any of us can make it. Your story gives me hope. Thanks for posting

[Yellow Knight]

Update:

2 Weeks in, class is going well. It has been 3 years since Ive been in a classroom, amd 10 years since I have had this particular material (chemistry) but all of it is coming back so easily. This is just the first step in a very long road so I need to guard against being overconfident, but it feels really good to be doing this again.

My ideation is at the lowest it's been, probably in the last year but there are days its still very very bad. I've been dealing with an unrequitted love for about 7 months now. When I first started spending time with this person, she reminded me what being happy felt like, and for a short period I was free of depression completely. I grew attached to that. I'm not even certain at this point if I even like her, or if it was just not being depressed I fell in love with. The two of us are friends, we both hurt each other pretty badly, and are both aware we hurt each other so even as friends it's been pretty awkward. She has gotten close to some of my friends and I've gotten really envious of it. I guess the moral of this story is emotions suck. I'm not going to heal until the two of us can trust each other again.

My problems are insignificant compared to most people on here, bit Ive appreciated somewhere to just type out thoughts without worrying about damaging friendships over it.