Most who will read this won't really know me, I've not been on here frequently. I'm going to be 50 in a little while. I have 2 sons, one is still with me for a few more years.
I've been trying to decrease my antidepressant, because all it did was keep me a bit numb but didn't work for feeling depressed. I've been extremely depressed for most of my life. Many suicide attempts. One or two that should have worked. I love my kids but I never believed I should have them because I'm such a messed up person, but there they are and I do love and appreciate them. The youngest is very troubled and not doing well, and I take most of the responsibility and the guilt eats me up daily.

I have health issues that aren't getting better, I've been to the doctor and here is a place I can vent .... HE'S A COMPLETE IDIOT.... there, thanks for letting me say that. First he says I don't have something, then I do, then tests say I don't, etc....then he puts me on something that doesn't work and gives me no proper instructions. I'm not getting proper care, and I can't just get another doctor when I have one, there are shortages here.

I honestly have gotten to thr point that I'm just not giving a flying **** and hope I don't have to exist longer. I cry constantly, I sit alone all day. I sometimes wish I hadn't qualified for disability because it is a better option to stay on it then get out there and try to find something to do. But the isolation and lack of feeling useful...... It's been constant with rare days where I've had relief. Just tired. Needed to vent. I want out of this life. But I can't, we have to live for others, especially when I have sons.

[Fuzzybear]

[Skeezyks]

[SgtRock]

Are you seeing a regular MD or a Pdoc for your depression? If just an MD, i'd scream bloody as$ murder until I got a Pdoc.

I do have a psychiatrist. We have tried many different medications, I've been on something or another since my late teens. Sometimes a drug works for a few months and then it doesn't, and that is what has happened. I have had years where I wasn't on an antidepressant and I wasn't really any worse than with one. I had increased this one I'm on because of months of worry and depression with my mother being ill and then she passed away.

Getting off of these meds is hell, I know that it isn't that I'm more depressed or the depression worsening, its tapering down. I'm not one that likes meds because I've tried many and I know what they do. I have other health issues and the current antidepressant can worsen those. I just wish it was easier, lack of good sleep now is not helping. I sure appreciate this forum and the people who are here to listen. Thanks.

[Clara22]

When did your mom pass away? Could it be that grief is fueling your depression?

yes that is part of the problem, it was just a little over 2 months ago now. We still have to go to the burial in 3 weeks, (due to our weather climate), and I think that will be harder to endure than the funeral. I have lots of regrets in what I did with her in her last months, I think I tried and I know I forgave and loved her as she was, but I still wonder what I could have done better. There's no going back. I knew this would happen but I never had anyone as close to me die. I still have a hard time with how she passed away, I saw it and it's burned into my mind. I'm a little drunk right now so I don't know exactly what I'm saying or why.

I wish I could still have that child like faith that I used to feel in a loving God that was there, but I've done so much looking into history that my faith is gone, although I know that it returns when I'm in such a distressing state, I hope that what I thought was true is real.. I'm just one mess, and I know people all around the world have suffered... are suffering.

I have all the excuses to feel how I feel, but I still think it's my own fault. I could type everything I'm feeling but I don't think I have a right to feel the way I do. I even regret taking up this space here on the forum.... but I come here often and try not to.

[Fuzzybear]

Depression it's ugly, hideous face... it screams at us

It screams.... that no matter how great our pain, no matter how intense our anguish, it's always, always our fault

[Clara22]

But not everything is your fault

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I have felt that way. It's good that you are staying alive for your sons. I was diagnosed shortly after my child was born and I promised her at that time that I would stay alive and pour all my love into her. That promise has from time to time been almost impossible to keep. Almost. Your mother's death could be having a great impact on you. When my dad passed, I flat out had a nervous breakdown and we didn't even get along (I did love him dearly but he was a very angry man).

You're not alone. I hope you start feeling better soon. Hugs coming your way.