[finestitcher]

So dull I don't know what to write. Another day sitting alone at home. If I didn't have my stitching to do...I would be totally lost. Could have taken a walk, but didn't. Could have gone to the Library, but didn't.

Lose of independence is horrible. Three and a half more months before I have been seizure free for six months and can drive again. I never realized how dependent I am on my ability to move freely about the community. Having to wait until it is convenient is no fun at all.

I have three "friends" I never hear from now; e.g. don't even reply to my email. And, one of the mails was to say Happy Birthday...not even a thanks for remembering!!

I have one friend who does drive 45-minutes to visit and watch a movie, and I don't like to complain, but her discussions about constant migraines and the ills of her back are tiresome at best.

I do a lot of work online and by conference call and I have two...soon to be three...websites I support, but even that seems tiresome these days...lost my enthusiasum.

I have a conference to attend in Nebraska the end of Sept, haven't even begun to work on that...no enthusiasum...and time is running short.

I do have a phone friend in Arizona. That is a good thing...right?

Don't know what I want here...but there it is anyway.

[wickedwings]

(((((finestitcher))))) i understand. i, too, am lacking enthusiasm. can't experience pleasure, joy, or excitement. i know. oh, hey, you live in south central pennsylvania. i live in du bois (clearfield county). my hubby and i moved here from the state of indiana 2 1/2 years ago. my hubby drives 2 hours to take me to pittsburgh to see a pdoc there. most pdocs don't understand a deaf person with depression. i have treatment-resistance, too. meds either don't work or work for a short period of time, like in 2 weeks, and fizz out.

[finestitcher]

wickedwings, it is shameful that there even exists a void for deaf people in the mental health arena. You have opened up a whole new door for me...never even thought to consider such an issue existed. I am so sorry that you have such a hard time find a signing therapist

As to my post, it may appear to be uneventful and short of crisis language, which is usually contained in most posts, but it is a crisis in my life right now.

-- lonliness
-- lose of freedom to move about
-- depression
-- lose of friendships

I am just not good at complaining. So, I never sound desparate enough. As I sit here typing I am missing an important conference call, just don't care about it, even though the content of the call if very important to me and many other PWPs (people with Parkinson's disease)

((((((((((FineStitcher))))))))))))

I don't know what to say about your friends. It's got to be hard to have them suddenly go missing when you probably need them the most. That really bites.

I don't know what to say. All I can do is to give you an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on if you need them.

[finestitcher]

Thanks Pickle. I have surpressed myself for decades now, I don't know any other way to live. Surpression of feelings was the only way I survived my childhood...feelings were not allowed in my home. If they showed through...at was H*** to pay via my father.



Carolyn

It doesn't sound like a very happy place to grow up.

[ally88]

Believe me.. I know how it feels to have your friends disappear. it sucks. but i'll be your friend, even though you cant see me. i hope its enough. to lack enthusiasm sucks, know the feeling. I wish you much happiness in your future and I really hope things get better. **hugs**

[finestitcher]

Well, I have been nabbed...LOL

Saw my therapist yesterday. I told him on a scale of 1 to 10; (10 being worst) my depression was a 2. After 40 minutes he said he found my 2 hard to believe. I said, why because I am so flat and lack any emotion at all...his reply...yes! Needless to say it was one of those sessions that was mostly me being silent and him looking at me with puzzlement on his face.

It is true, I lack everything these days. I just roll along with no goals or emotion. Why bother, there is nothing I can do about anything, so why bother?

I arrive two hours before I need to be somewhere, have to wait 30 minutes longer than I would like to wait to be picked up. I have to patiently ask my neighbor and my daughter about the weekend. Right now I need a box to mail a care package to my son in Iraq. So, I need one of them to take me on Saturday...tomorrow...to get a box. I could be using all that time in better ways, but no, I have to reply on county para-transit and bend to their availability. Yes, I do very much appreciate that I even have them to get rides from, but I do wish they were a bit more flexible. A complaint...I have complained about something. I think this is a good thing.

I did have a good friend tell me this past week by email that she could see that I have a hard time trusting anyone. This is very true...anyone! And, that I don't know how to relax...this is true too. Relaxing means I am vulnerable and I don't do trust or vulnerability at all!! I keep my shields raised at all times.

I have to find a way to resolve these issues. Did talk to my therapist about them yesterday...will make headway one of these days I suppose. Also, talked about my anxiety which is bad, and has been for a while. Haven't talked about this issue since the last time I almost hyperventilated in his office...months ago. I was talking about my fear of my son before a trip to Washington State to visit my son before he left for Iraq.

Pain between my shoulder blades...facial tichs...shallow breathing...classic symptoms. I have started taking an Ativan before bed, which my second dose of 150mg of Effexor. Sure sleep like a stone!!

Just rambling,
Carolyn