how do you see death?

I've almost died a few times in my life. Of course, outside of once, it was sudden and/or abuse turned into a possible death. So, I always viewed death as something out of my control but I never wanted to see it coming.
Then I got sick. Real sick. I had to re-visit the idea of my mortality, except this time I had power enough to fight it off, if only for a little more time. Well, I wanted to die. I desired release from this life and all of its hell. In the end, I chose to fight and I've been winning, thus far.

At that time and since, I didn't fear what would happen to me. After all, death is death and can't be prevented in the end. I do still have fear in what will happen to those close to me when I go. My only solace in that, is that when it happens, I have to believe that it was meant to be. Because if it is meant to be, that means that something or someone (whatever the hell exists, God or "good vibes, man" or Odin) has determined that these people I love will be strong enough to get through it.

I've contemplated suicide many times and nearly achieved twice if I hadn't been caught. The truth is, as much as I still want to do it, I don't think I can. I don't believe it's my decision as to when they'll be prepared enough to get passed it (if that's possible).

At the moment, I see it as hope.. This is probably not good.

Once you were that close to death, did your ideas about taking your own life changed? mine did not. I mean, if I am desperate I do not remember when I was close to death and I was so bitter. it is like I live in silos

"Death" (of the body) for fuzzy bear - I perceive as "hope" (atm.)- to escape from this body trapping fuzzy bear
But I'm "old"

When my life was still chaos and I was younger, I thought about suicide but I never actually went to act on it. I was in 'survival mode' according to my T, so it makes sense. However, when I was given the "good" news that I was going to live, others wanted to celebrate.... I wanted to drink myself to death. I didn't want to live, a part of me didn't, I still look back and see a missed opportunity.

I still want to die. Every day. But I don't think I can do it. I can't put my fiance and others close to me through that.

The way I view death is different from many but I am not alone. I believe that a person ceases to exist at death. At death they are gone, they are aware of nothing and feel nothing. Therefore I don't believe like some do that the dead are suffering, are in heaven, are in purgatory, or in limbo, or that they can harm the living.

But I don't believe that this is permanent for for the majority of humans. I do believe that there is a hope for the dead in future.

I do believe in God and Jesus. It's like being in a deep sleep so to speak, not literally. That No one but God and Jesus can wake a person up from.

so, if I can ask, you say you don't believe this is permanent.

can you expand on that a little?

do you believe in like a life after death (someone dies, they are gone, but then a few days/ weeks later, end up in an afterlife), or are you talking about as a whole. like advances in medicen are going to change things

dead is dead...imo

I'm pretty frightened of death. Ironic yes for someone with so much SI. I'd begun to think that when you die, you're just gone but then something happened. My now ex-husband and I were driving on the freeway and saw a car crash as it was going on and saw the moment the guy died. There was this electricity and silence and aura (something) as if his soul was leaving his body. It gave me goosebumps. Now I'm a CPA. I like logical thinking. This I can't explain.

Death fascinates me lately (ok not just lately), which is not good, probably.
I'm either worrying that I might have some serious illness or I'm thinking about wanting to die.

I see death as clarity, relief, probably the moment of realisation of "how everything is so beautiful I just hadn't let myself see it". I see also death as being absorbed into everything, into the "all that is", like in the film, Lucy, where she becomes part of everything after she dies.

Maybe death is the realisation that there is no death really, only the ego dies, or, as spiritual teachers say, our association with the ego dies. Something we cannot grasp until then, like we live in a box and trying to describe the box from the outside and having debates about that but we have no chance of getting out of the box, ever.
But all these are just the perspective of the one in the box.

Near death experiences are also interesting, but being so subjective, it's maybe just the subjective experience of the individual, or even a collective experience, but still maybe irrelevant as the actual death is concerned, because, again, it's a perspective from "inside the box".
All of these are perspectives of the living. I don't know.

Maybe it would help to get more familiar with this whole idea of death in our culture, because we are terrified by it, as it is such a taboo. I'm thinking now of people who know they will die in a short time and start doing things they really wanted to do. But myself, for example, am so terrified of death that I'm procrastinating on living. I can't really explain this.

Death has no schedule.

As a welcome friend.