[whisperingskye]

I had been trying to ignore this.

I mean, yes, I have been aware of the dark turn my thoughts have been taking. I just was trying to make less of it than it was. If that makes sense.

The truth is I am preparing.

Possible trigger:

preparing for my end

And it didn't truly click until today when I saw my GP. And yet I can tell no one of my real plan.

Possible trigger:

I might not survive this one

[wiretwister]

" And yet I can tell no one of my real plan. " .... if you have a plan ... please ... call a crisis line or reach out to family ... friend or your dr ... please if it is that bad call the er ... why is this time worst than before ... what has triggered this decision ...

[whisperingskye]

I don't know that I have the answers.

This plan, it's like I have it, but am not fully aware of it myself. I am ok for now, I just know that I have to make this stop soon.

I'm just a bit concerned I guess. I find myself preparing without fully being aware of it or meaning to..

[Pastel Kitten]

I can relate to trying to make less of and/or ignore my dark thoughts. I've been struggling with this recently.

Are these thoughts being triggered by something that you know of or do they seem to manifest/worsen on their own?

It's good that you're aware of where your thoughts are headed and that they need to be stopped. Please stay safe.

[Anxious Minds]

Yes, I also encourage you to reach out to someone. Call a hotline, call someone, or message someone. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Want to share any details about what has brought you to this point?

Think about the things that cause you to have the dark thoughts. Is there a way you can make plans to combat the triggers rather than planning your own demise? (Even is the plans are quite unspecific as you say.)

[whisperingskye]

I don't know the triggers. I have never managed to work out my own triggers. I just know this happens way too often. I'm tired of it.

I'm tired off it always coming back to this and me never being able to do anything to stop it. I never make any progress. I am just stuck like this and I have had enough.

[crimsoncat]

you know that I can identify with what you are going through and iam Always here for you ,anytime,day or night don't ever forget that

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( whisperingskye ))))))))

[Bill3]

[Anxious Minds]

You said that it clicked when you saw your GP. What happened to make you so sure that you might not ever overcome this?

[whisperingskye]

I realised that I'm not actually trying to help myself. I don't know that I want to. I went to see my GP for something to help with sleep and anxiety but when I walked out of the appointment I knew I actually had no intentions of taking what was prescribed. Instead I hid the pills away.

The feeling that I won't overcome this isn't a new thing. Sometimes I might have a bit more fight in me, not anymore I guess.

[Anxious Minds]

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

I realised that I'm not actually trying to help myself. I don't know that I want to. I went to see my GP for something to help with sleep and anxiety but when I walked out of the appointment I knew I actually had no intentions of taking what was prescribed. Instead I hid the pills away.

The feeling that I won't overcome this isn't a new thing. Sometimes I might have a bit more fight in me, not anymore I guess.

Why aren't you trying to help yourself? (Just curious) I can definitely relate to not feeling like there is any more fight in you. We all get tired sometimes. But we are pretty resilient.

[whisperingskye]

I guess because I don't see the point. Nothing ever really changes.

[Fuzzybear]

I used to have something of a "stock" of pills no more

Either way, not a reliable "method"

I would (selfishly) hate for you to "succeed" as you mean a lot to many here

But also, nobody should have to put up with such pain, for so long

But a "failure" could be .. (I did research od's myself at one point )

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

I realised that I'm not actually trying to help myself. I don't know that I want to. I went to see my GP for something to help with sleep and anxiety but when I walked out of the appointment I knew I actually had no intentions of taking what was prescribed. Instead I hid the pills away.

The feeling that I won't overcome this isn't a new thing. Sometimes I might have a bit more fight in me, not anymore I guess.

At least you do visit your gp (a gp) .. I very rarely do that

I think you have more fight in you than you think... I often have felt like I don't want to be here one more day... this bear is more resilient than some (abusers) thought.. I think you are as well

I believe that if you or any one of us here does end it.. the Universe will be a much sadder (and emptier) place

[Anxious Minds]

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

I guess because I don't see the point. Nothing ever really changes.

I hear you. What do you mean by "nothing changes"? Are you talking about yourself or the external things in your life? (Or maybe both)

[whisperingskye]

I know od's are not at all reliable and I have mostly given up on the idea. I guess there is still part of me that wants that option to fall back on. I have had a stockpile of some kind for most of the last 6 years. The last few months is the longest I've gone without but I am slowly building it again. Some habits are too hard to break I guess.

[whisperingskye]

Originally Posted by Anxious Minds

I hear you. What do you mean by "nothing changes"? Are you talking about yourself or the external things in your life? (Or maybe both)

Myself mainly but I guess some external things too. I just think I have been stuck like this for too long now and it isn't going to change.

[Anxious Minds]

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

Myself mainly but I guess some external things too. I just think I have been stuck like this for too long now and it isn't going to change.

What do you think keeps you stuck? (Sorry for asking a million questions, but when I'm stuck I like when people ask me questions. It helps me work through it.)

[-Dolunay-]

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

I had been trying to ignore this.


I mean, yes, I have been aware of the dark turn my thoughts have been taking. I just was trying to make less of it than it was. If that makes sense.


The truth is I am preparing.

Possible trigger:

preparing for my end

And it didn't truly click until today when I saw my GP. And yet I can tell no one of my real plan.

Possible trigger:

I might not survive this one

I feel exactly the same.
I just can't stop thinking about bad things and I don't know what to do.
I always wanted to tell someone what was going on with me, but besides the fact that I don't know with who I should talk, I don't even know what's my problem. I just can't stand myself.

[whisperingskye]

I honestly don't know. It just doesn't seem to matter what I do, it always comes back to this. Whenever it looks like I might be getting somewhere it all seems to fall apart again and I'm back at square one.

[Anxious Minds]

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

I honestly don't know. It just doesn't seem to matter what I do, it always comes back to this. Whenever it looks like I might be getting somewhere it all seems to fall apart again and I'm back at square one.

Yeah, I can relate to that. I've built momentum many times in my life only to have something throw me off. I think we gravitate back to our old patterns when that happens because, despite how much pain our old patterns cause us, they are still familiar. And familiarity makes us comfortable. Change is hard.

[Bill3]