Crawl into a hole...

...that's what I should do. Just crawl into a hole and throw dirt over myself. But, instead I think I will spend the whole morning in bed, that is if I stay up most of the night, which is not unusual...my spinal fusion doesn't care for me staying in bed too long...so I have to stay up most of the night in order to stay in bed during the daytime, while the sun is shining.

I put enough people out of their misery for having me around. My daughter won't have to repeat herself all the time (losing my hearing, dxd last year), I won't miss the before-12noon window to call Friday for a ride on Monday (missed it by 6 minutes last Friday...had to rearrange the week with others this effected), I won't have to "burden" my daughter with yet another 10 mile trip to take me home. No one will have to comment about how flat and unemotional I am these days, or how I don't know how to relax, or I hardly laugh at all since my surgery in June. It all just doesn't seem worth the effort. Why bother. Also, won't have to spend time feeling paranoid about other people in my PD community. That is a good label for me right now...Paranoid.

I stopped taking the Keppra when I ran out a month ago. Now that people know I hear, "You did what?" It was very much known that I only had a 30-days supply with NO refills. It's not like I will have another event. I don't intend to have my brain swell from surgery again anytime soon.

((((((finestitcher))))))) i too deal with severe chronic back and leg pain. throw depression and anxiety in the mix and what an aweful cocktail that is. i feel your words and know where you are coming from. i too locked away myself from the world (see screen name). it seems like the thing to do at times and maybe even the easy thing to do rather than deal with life's blows. i am glad you found us here. atleast you have an outlet. but please dont completely isolate yourself. cutting yourself of from the world will only make the depression and anxiety worse. i know from experience. we sometimes think we can go it alone. do it all on our own. but the truth is, we do need others in our lives. which is what initially lead me here.

gentle hugs to you
recluse1

((((((finestitcher))))) i know how you feel. although i don't have the physical pain to go with my depression. i find living so hard. do what you have to do, even if it's being in bed. just hang on. i know. it's torture. ((((((finestitcher))))) hang on. my hubby tells me to hold on.....

((((finestitcher))))

Hold on to us and we will hold on to you. Crawl into a hole, but I will be right there with a light to help you find your way back out. You are not alone. I hear you and I am listening. Keep reaching and posting. I too am glad you found PC. You are never alone here. When things seem so dark, know I am sitting quietly, just waiting to hear you. And if you fall, we are here to help lift you back up until you get your footing back. I am glad you are here.

camilionwords1truth

Life is so hard. There is no fun in it. A good friend observed recently and told me I don't laugh enough...if at all. It is true. Even when something is truly funny, I don't crack even he slightest smile. I could watch a Jim Carey movie and never laugh. I am just empty...blank! The world passes by my front door every day and I don't care where they are all going. I can ride with someone in the car, since I don't drive right now, and they have a conversation with me, but I rarely have anything to say in return. Why bother. I can't hear my daughter when she talks and I am tired of asking her to repeat herself. I can't hear my neighbor in the car, and if I try to talk we talk over each other, even when she has her "ears" in she doesn't hear me talk...so frustrating...so I just have stopped replying. Most of the conversation with my neighbor is just about other drivers and stuff like that...nothing that requires a reply.

Why do we get up in the mornings and go through yet another day of agony? Now there is a question that begs a reply.

my voice is so soft nowadays. apparently, my depression affects my voice. the more severe it gets, the worse it gets. my hubby has a hard time hearing me, since he is hearing impaired. i'm almost totally deaf. weird.

((((finestitcher))))

I am sorry you are having a difficult time. I understand, truly I do. But, somewhere, we all keep reachng even if it is a small reach--it is a reach none the less. We get up every morning and go through yet another day of agony because we are survivors and that is what we do best. We put on our mask and covers and whatever it takes to face this world, because somewhere we keep hoping that somehow if we take one more step--the load somehow will get easier.

Each day we make it, is another day that they do not win. For so many of us, they have had the first blow to us and we fight to not let those that thought they ruined us win. Everyday, we make it is another day in their face. Sometimes, days are so long. The minutes seem to never move.

We have to live one second, one moment at a time, never taking one of those moments for granted. But we are still here, we are still fighting--we are still survivors. Sometimes I want to give up. I want to let go and rest. To find somewhere safe and calm.

Then I take the step to reach out here where it is safe and someone does care. And I find that little strength inside that dares to take a chance to even say I am here and I need to know someone is out there. Sometimes, it is in just telling someone you understand that even a small connection comes, and it is enough to reach one more time--one more day.

I hear you finestitcher, and I am listening. I know that feeling of wanting it all to stop. Of wanting all the hurt to go away. I know how hard it is to get up and keep going. I know the sleepless nights and neverending pain. But I also know the love of friends here at PC.

I know that even in the midst of hurting, I can say I understand and am there for others. I feel the stength at times of others and it gives me hope and a small connection and desire to take one more step--however small it may be but a step none the less. I do care and I send you what strength I can.

Keep reaching and posting. Sometimes it is in the words "I care" that one more step is possible for us. I learned to survive because I had to--I want to learn to live because it is time. Hang on dear, and keep reaching--one day, one post at a time.

camilionwords1truth