I Can't Do This Anymore.

Just woke up an hour ago and I already wish I could fall back asleep. Sure, sleep is dangerous because of the nightmares/memories, but at least I'm not conscious in a world that doesn't make sense.

I feel like I need to disappear. When I say that I can't do this anymore, I don't know how well others understand the desperation of what I'm trying to convey. Maybe they do, after all, I'm rarely left alone anymore due to this feeling and the "state" I'm in. That's what pisses me off. You know, I had more independence when I was a cancer patient than I do in my current psychiatric condition. Like, what the hell? I feel like a child. I feel like a child who wants so much to just sleep and never wake up again. I have access to do it. I have a plan utilize the access. I'm beginning to have the drive to actually follow through.

For that, I must be watched, always. I must endure looks of pity, fear and disappointment. The pity is degrading, I'm not some injured puppy. The fear is insulting, I'm not going to attack you with an ax and say 'Here's Johnny'. And the disappointment is actually something I've dealt with my whole life; why stop now?

I'm beginning to feel resentful of everyone. Every person near me. They should've let me die two years ago. Maybe then I wouldn't be their burden.

Why fear? I don't understand. Sorry for my silly question

Sad, and hardly therapeutic.

It's not silly.

I had to open my mouth about the hallucinations and stuff. When people hear that, the person must be dangerous, right?

I don't know.

Só leigheas,

What you describe sounds dreadful but think of it this way: Maybe some of the people who are not leaving you alone simply want to help because they love you? We can only heal when we find people that we trust. When we truly believe they want to help and we let them. It is not easy. I have experienced a bit of paranoia about people and institutions at times in my life. It is a terrible feeling. And your hallucinations may not be permanent--maybe either sleep or the right medications could help. I am not an expert but I don't think your hallucinations automatically make you dangerous...

I'm sorry you feel this way. Remember that those people love you, and they will do anything in their power to make you feel ok again. Please, don't feel guilty about this I understand wanting some time for yourself to cathc a break, though.

I understand now. We are really uneducated about mental health conditions. Prejudices against our diversity are huge barriers to overcome. All my solidarity

You're not a burden, have you tried talking to those around you about how their actions make you feel? That can go a long way to changing the way you see yourself as well.

Every time I try, I falter before the words leave my lips. I don't know why. At some point I quit talking and haven't since.

It isn't right that you are being treated like this, but people can't change if they don't know that they are doing something wrong. This may be counterintuitive to the point of having an anonymous profile, but if words fail you I would recommend that you show these people your posts. However, it has to be someone that you can trust to share with someone else though. That's just my opinion though, if you feel like that's a bad idea, then feel free to ignore it.

That makes sense. My fiance actually knows my username. I told him he's allowed to read my posts whenever because I pull away sometimes. To my knowledge, he's never checked once.
I'll think about doing it but we'll see. If I did I'd probably delete my account soon after.

So Leigheas, your posts are always so honest and help so many here. I feel misunderstood most of the time with family/friends. It's frustrating and causes me to isolate even more. Reading posts here help me because you all are honest about how you REALLY feel. The masks come off. Thank you for being here.

I wholeheartedly agree with feeshee. If it weren't for you So Leigheas, I probably wouldn't have told my parents about this, and I probably would not have gotten the help that I have now. So thank you, I would not be where I am without you.

I'm so sorry that you're suffering. You are cared about and not alone. I relate to how you're feeling. Please take good care of yourself. If you need anything, I'm here for you.

We've managed to help each other quite a bit of these past months. Keep in mind, what I did was simply listen and offer a few words. Telling your parents and getting help, that is your success. You did that. I'm proud of you for it.

I want to thank everyone on this thread. I'm pushing on. If I truly can't do this anymore, then maybe the world will take pity on me and I'll be struck by lightning. Until then, I'm just going to have to find another way to keep going. Thank you everyone. You guys are like a family to me on here. I'm glad you all have my back. Wouldn't want anyone else.

I'm proud of you. You are worth caring about, and I'm glad to know your still trying. I know it's difficult, which makes what your doing even more remarkable.

Hope is always there and it can always be found. The fact you are still going is testament to that.