Funerals

Not sure where to post... And maybe this is a silly tangent...

I went to a funeral today. For the father of a colleague. From the little glimpse, He was an amazing man.

Going was extremely hard for me. There has been a lot of loss in my life. I wonder if everybody says/feels that way. A song or a word or something makes you remember moments from other funerals~ usually where I was part of the family or a close friend of the deceased..

You never forget the moment they hand you that flag... "On behalf of the President of the United States.... and a grateful nation...." And Taps always hurts my heart.

The event seems different when the person is older and has lived a full life. When it's suicide, a child's service, an accident and even illness~ the mood is just different.

I was almost late even though I allowed plenty of time..nervous/anxious and sweating profusely. I cried. Alot. For a man I never knew. I was a little jealous of the incredible relationship he had with his family. They were a priority. Made me miss my grandpa~ who loved me fiercely! Made me question~ not for the first time, why my father chooses not to be a part of my life.

It felt important to go and be a part of this day for my colleague and friend-even though when I think back to funerals where I've been family, I rarely remember who came.

Today, I also realized I don't remember anything about my grandmother's funeral (memory issues are a result of my meds and treatment). That frustrates me.

As I was driving home, I started to think about what will happen when my mom dies. What I will write in her obituary~ as morbid as it seems, if I should start that now. When your brittle and broken by grief, those decisions are incredibly difficult to make (thus the huge industry of death).

I wonder if anyone will let me know when my father (estranged) dies- or my ex or my sister (we don't know where she is)...

and, as I often do, I was also wondering who (if anyone) would come to MY funeral... What kind of legacy (if any) will I leave. I don't want a service. What do they do if no one comes?

I'm probably over thinking things~ that happens quite a bit... I'm just struggling to shake the "funk" that followed the event today~ and all the thoughts and memories triggered.

Sorry you have had so much loss in your life.

I believe every funeral changes us in some way. Your perspective on the world is altered without that person in it. Maybe the best way to cope is to honor the person's great life by using it to inspire you to live better. Let even a tiny part of their legacy live on through you. I learned a lot about life from my grandmother and I will always use memories of the way she lived as a model of how I should try to live.

Yeah, don't care for funerals either. They are for the living, not the recently deceased. They are also a necessary part of living.

Most of the time it's people we don't know, but someone has a connection. A relative just related a recent funeral, 54 y/o guy dropped dead from a heart attack at home. He had no known prior health issues. All one can do is make the most of each day, week & month.