What does one do when...

What does one do when she is thinking about suicide a lot, but she somewhat knows she won't do it. At least not yet.
Those thoughts are not like plans, but could be of various nature, like instinctively imagining it when in an unpleasant moment (which lately happens all the time). Other times just contemplating on it...Also lately I'm obsessed with the subject as in movies, read articles and studies.
It just is in my mind VERY often and it doesn't seem to go away.
I'm afraid to tell my therapist, again my stupid fears of embarrasment.
Or even I'm afraid he won't take me seriously. I don't know.
Sometimes the thoughts are very strong and as my moods are changing a lot I don't know where this is going.

I hope I didn't break some rule with this post, I'm not currently in "crisis", I guess (though no idea what that means exactly)

I don't have answers I'm not sure whether to advise telling your T either - but if you have a good T I would probably tell them I'm sure others will have better advice

I don't think you have any reason to be embarrassed, trust me the therapist had heard some seriously sick stuff long before you mention suicidal ideation , if you can't be honest with your therapist you are not getting your money's worth.

It's not that I can't be honest with him, I can tell him whatever I want. I don't know. I don't know what is my problem. I feel horrible now.
I just feel that everything is locked in inside and no one can understand and whatever I'll do, no one will.
And that is one reason why I'm thinking about the above mentioned subject, anyway.

Anyway thanks for your reply...

That's a tough question. Personally I know I leave it too late. I find it really hard to tell if I need to let someone know or if I can handle it alone because I have struggled with suicidal thoughts/feelings/plans etc for years. It's always lurking in the background. As a result I tend to let them just increase in intensity until I can't cope anymore, and either do something stupid or reach out at the last minute.

It would probably be good to talk about it with your therapist amd see if you can get a hamdle on it before it gets too bad..

Agreed, and maybe just print this thread and show it to him to share exactly what you have shared here. It is not that you have any kind of plan but that you sometimes find the idea rolling around in your head and you are even investigating or studying it a bit to learn more about it while still quite undecided in relation to it. If he suggests suicide is a bad idea, let him know that is not what you are asking about. You are asking for some help while in search of some relief for the emotions that are somehow driving the intellect to ever even possibly consider it.

Sorry you feeling horrible was not my intention , but having that marble rolling around loose in there is not a "good feeling" .

I've spent many months out of a year obsessing over suicide since I was very little (around 8 years old). I remember it wasn't 'til around fifteen that I realized thinking like that wasn't 'normal'. SI in itself, while extremely unpleasant, isn't entirely a cause for extreme concern about crisis. It can (and in my case often has) turn into full-blown planning and intentions. I suggest, even if you feel embarrassed (though you shouldn't), that you be honest with your T and work through these thoughts now before it can exceed what classifies as ideation.

Thanks. I don't know what classifies as ideation though. I thought this was it...

It is, and I think Só leigheas is suggesting "before it can exceed ideation" and reach actualization.

I chickened out, couldn't tell my therapist. After days of constant sui thoughts I just sat there and started laughing for the first few minutes. Like, for no reason. Couldn't stop. So yeah, no comment. It was okay though.
I will see how this goes, I'll tell him eventually. Somehow those words don't want to show themselves...I'm just hinting a lot, like "my employement will end at the end of the month and I have no plans, I don't want to do anything, everything is just black". Well, yeah, easier to say then "uhm, I'm having suicidal thoghts".

This seems to be my pattern as well. It's tough.

Please tell your therapist when you can. You might be able to get some relief or stop the ideation from going forward. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.