[somerandomusername]

I don't really know what to say. My unhappiness has just increased over the years and I've recently thought about killing myself. I know, i might not have reasons like others might for ending my own life, but I'm just tired of living. I don't even know why I'm posting a thread on this website. I think a reason why I do want to do this is because I'm lost. I don't know what to do in the future, I can't imagine myself in the future. There is a lot of stuff happening in my life that I don't know why they happen. Over the past years, I stopped caring about school. The thing is, i go to a (what is called semi-private) school and my parents pay every year but I still don't put any effort in school. Why? I don't know. I get like 0-20% in my math exams because I don't listen in class and don't do any of my homework. I'm surprised I'm still at that school. Anyways, I think I just don't want to live to see the future and I think the only reason why I didn't kill myself yet is because I feel bad for my friends and my parents (I've recently started to think that it doesn't matter if my friends and family get hurt because I won't be alive to know about it).

I honestly don't know if what I wrote made sense, nor do I know why I posted this in the first place.

[subtle lights]

I hear you...It sounds like you're in a lot of pain and I'm so sorry
Right now I'm in a very low mood as well, so I can't write smarter stuff..
Please feel free to write more, it sometimes helps (a lot of times)

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm 18 and I can relate a lot to what you wrote.. I'm really sorry Please, keep writing here if you want..

[Sunflower123]

Thank you for posting. You're not alone. I've been there. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Is this something you can talk to your parents about so you can get some relief? Hugs coming your way. I'm here if you need to talk.

I'm sorry you feel this way… We are quite close in age and I feel a lot of times like there is no point in living. I've tried to take my own life in the past and I was suffering from depression and I can understand and can relate to what you are going through. I hope you find my answer a bit useful…

Although right now you may be in the deepest darkest hole of your life… you CAN get out. Unfortunately this does take a lot of time and healing. It means your going to have to open up to those around you and realize your true worth. Because if you don't you won't have much to live for… I feel like right now (and this may come off as a bit selfish and for that I apologize) that you're only thinking of yourself. And that's alright but your family loves you and wants the best for you. They paid good money for you to get an education… Please don't let their efforts go to waste. Show them you appreciate that by loving them, yourself, and trying your best in school. One day your going to look back on your life to where you were and smile because you realized you had what it takes to keep going on. Something many people find it incredibly hard to do… but I know you can. Suicide is not an answer it should never be… I know you feel this now but please think about what I said.
Good luck.

[somerandomusername]

So I didn't mention this in my post, but I started feeling social anxiety, Every time I'm in public, i just hate the feeling that others might be thinking something bad about me or, if I'm doing wrong, and this is all the time so I never really talk to my parents about anything and I prefer to avoid conversations because I'm just awkward all the time.

But thanks for your replies, I appreciate it.

[Fuzzybear]

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Hello somerandomusername,

You are about the age I was when I began getting suicidal feelings. I am 42 now - I still have them at times, but now I have learned how to keep myself "relatively" safe even when I am feeling that way.

I am not a believer in suicide or suicidal feelings as being selfish, rather I see suicidal feelings as a result of the desperation left in one's psyche after a long search of ways to "be normal" or "fit in" or "be loved" or etc.. its just what comes from exhaustion of one's psyche. Suicide itself is the act of giving in to that exhaustion rather than continuing to try to "fix it" or to heal. Now - that said .. suicide should never be the choice opted for, strength and power should be the choice opted for - and no matter how low you feel, if you find it in you to keep fighting to stay alive ... you are growing yourself stronger and more powerful against whatever "demons" you may have. You are here now, writing this and any other post you may write because your psyche wishes to become stronger and more powerful.

I don't know your circumstances with those people in your life - parents, siblings, friends, teachers, boyfriends or girlfriends, guidance counselor, etc .. so I am not going to tell you anything regarding them as to what you should or should not do. I will tell you - you should not give up on yourself...and those people that you may have in your life that are trustworthy ... No matter how uncomfortable the conversation - you need to at least say 3 words "I need help" after that ... let it go where it may

Yes it will be hard. It's hard to admit or ask for help for anything. It was hard for me. I did it over and over for years though even though I had nobody in my life I could trust - just because I knew I needed help but beyond that I didn't know what to do. So I tried to talk to anyone I could. I know you can't talk to just anybody bc of your social anxiety and that's ok. Even if you cannot speak the words... Write them, and give the message to the person you trust. You can send it via email or text. You can write it on paper and place it somewhere the person will see it when they return. You can call the person if it is easier to talk without facing them. Many options ... but let someone know. Ok?

*hugs*

[Krow]

It does not necessarily sound like what you seek is an end to life but perhaps a resolve. Perhaps no one has been willing to listen to your pain, or perhaps aiding you in finding a resolve has proven impossible.

I eventually decides that the "purpose" that I desired most out of my life is impossible. There is no other purpose that I desire in its place, no matter how grand or how simple. For that matter, anything can prove demotivating without a purpose to follow. However, I decided to give another frame of thought a chance-- nothing could motivate me towards a bland, ordinary life, so instead, I choose to live without purpose but still for the sake of curiosity. While I am here, I may as well explore this world to its fullest until I do move on.

Essentially, one could stake their life on a series of goals that they wish to achieve. But if one lacks to motivation towards achieving those goals, then they may never reach them regardless of whether or not they openly decide to quit. If one lives for the enjoyment of the present (and work for savings to maintain health in the current and future), then there is far less stress in the long-run. Everyone talks about "success" being the only way to life, but in the end, success is relative. Only the individual can decide what he or she defines as success in his or her own life. No one has the right to define that success for someone else.

The only time that you should force yourself to suffer is if it comes down to your simple ability to survive. Beyond providing for food on your table and a roof over your head, every other decision is a choice or responsibility of option. In the end, earning a wage for an apartment for one is quite simple. Adding others to that family is a choice made by the individual as they see beneficial.

[Skeezyks]

Hello somerandomusername: I believe this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I'm sorry you are feeling so desperate. Hoefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

You know... one of the things that happens, when a person begins to feel suicidal, is that their focus begins to narrow to the point where they can see fewer & fewer options. Suicidal thinking is nothing to mess around with. Suicide creates a wave of despair & regret that echoes down through the years. And it gives everyone who was close to the person who is gone permission to do the same thing. I believe the reason you posted this, here on PC, is because there is still a part of you that has hope & wants to live. Please reach out, in real life, for the help you need.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!