[MtnTime2896]

I feel like I'm spamming the boards here, but I guess I'm just in a place where I need to let out all of this mess that's been chained behind the steel doors of my mind. Sometimes to survive we have to cut the chain, you know?

A few things have me thinking. My past, even as I see it now, I think I'm still looking at it through rose colored glasses. I've always tried to make excuses for it and I've always taken full blame for everything that transpired. I still do this because it makes everything less scary. The thing is, closing your eyes can make things seem a little less scary, but it doesn't take away the beast's actually power. Forgetting isn't an option. Facing it is the only way through but I don't know if I'll survive it.

No one around me knows who I am behind closed doors. They don't know just how shattered my mind has become. They don't know that I take medication now, just so I'm not lost to delusion. I want to tell them how desperately I need help. "I cried tears you'll never see" and there's no way I can explain what each individual tear was for. Inside every single drop is a memory and every tear is different. Just like these scars on my arm. They all hold their own meaning. Their own story.

I can't explain this to people and for that, I am so damn alone. "Letting people down is my thing," and it's all I ****ing do. They don't know what I have to fight in order to seem like I'm functioning, let alone actually functioning. I'm not alright. I haven't been for some time. I want to give up so bad "Won't you say goodnight, so I can say goodbye?"

[Mindful55]

You bring up in words I cannot express 💗
I am a cry baby from way back, depression/ anxiety & BPD.

[Mindful55]

Continuing. .You are a survivor, you chose this everyday.

My BPD wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 50's.
You are not alone. .outside ppl will never know what you have been through 💗

Be kind to yourself

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Mindful55

Continuing. .You are a survivor, you chose this everyday.

My BPD wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 50's.
You are not alone. .outside ppl will never know what you have been through 💗

Be kind to yourself

Thank you, Mindful.

[Diai]

Dealing with past events and feelings is always tiring, and saddening in most cases. However, just like you said it before, sometimes you need to cut off the chain. Every tear and every scar are another word in your story, and it's true you cannot erase any of them, but you can still create something beautiful out of it.
It may seem no one actually knows how much effort you put on appearing normal or stable, but the truth is there are people who notice and people who care. Tears and scars can recognize each others in another person, and they acknowledge all the work and time the other person puts on being there.
There are other people who know what you're going through, that recognize that lonely feeling. And we know how much you have worked and cared, because we've done and do so ourselves.
Other people care, and will help you survive. All of us here are the proof.
You are not alone in this battle.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Diai

Dealing with past events and feelings is always tiring, and saddening in most cases. However, just like you said it before, sometimes you need to cut off the chain. Every tear and every scar are another word in your story, and it's true you cannot erase any of them, but you can still create something beautiful out of it.
It may seem no one actually knows how much effort you put on appearing normal or stable, but the truth is there are people who notice and people who care. Tears and scars can recognize each others in another person, and they acknowledge all the work and time the other person puts on being there.
There are other people who know what you're going through, that recognize that lonely feeling. And we know how much you have worked and cared, because we've done and do so ourselves.
Other people care, and will help you survive. All of us here are the proof.
You are not alone in this battle.

Thank you, Diai.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I feel like I'm spamming the boards here

No one around me knows who I am behind closed doors. They don't know just how shattered my mind has become.

I want to give up so bad "Won't you say goodnight, so I can say goodbye?"

I don't feel like you spam the boards but when/if you do--everyone has the option concerning how much time we spend at PC and which posts to read. Because you hide so much from your family, bf, friends (in order to protect them/meet their expectations/not worry them?) you need a place to express yourself....

Sometimes it is hard to express everything that is. You are a really good writer and seem to do a fine job yet there are so many feelings in this world. I am sorry you are feeling like your mind is shattered. This really concerns me. Since you take medication for it--perhaps at least your psychiatrist knows? I hope so. It sounds like a big burden.....

Don't feel guilty about being in so much pain that you want to give up. Some people just can't let go. You are going to need to learn to live with this fact. I know it is hard to do. You can only do so much....

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks, Hoping. You're here for me a lot. Also, my T knows about a lot of this. My pdoc a bit, as well. Looks like we might have to increase the olanzapine.

[Fuzzybear]

You put into words what many here don't express
People "outside" will never get it..
((((((( So leigheas )))))))

[Aardwolf]

"No one around me knows who I am behind closed doors. They don't know just how shattered my mind has become."

Yeah... Yku are not alone. never.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I feel like I'm spamming the boards here, but I guess I'm just in a place where I need to let out all of this mess that's been chained behind the steel doors of my mind. Sometimes to survive we have to cut the chain, you know?

A few things have me thinking. My past, even as I see it now, I think I'm still looking at it through rose colored glasses. I've always tried to make excuses for it and I've always taken full blame for everything that transpired. I still do this because it makes everything less scary. The thing is, closing your eyes can make things seem a little less scary, but it doesn't take away the beast's actually power. Forgetting isn't an option. Facing it is the only way through but I don't know if I'll survive it.

No one around me knows who I am behind closed doors. They don't know just how shattered my mind has become. They don't know that I take medication now, just so I'm not lost to delusion. I want to tell them how desperately I need help. "I cried tears you'll never see" and there's no way I can explain what each individual tear was for. Inside every single drop is a memory and every tear is different. Just like these scars on my arm. They all hold their own meaning. Their own story.

I can't explain this to people and for that, I am so damn alone. "Letting people down is my thing," and it's all I ****ing do. They don't know what I have to fight in order to seem like I'm functioning, let alone actually functioning. I'm not alright. I haven't been for some time. I want to give up so bad "Won't you say goodnight, so I can say goodbye?"

I will never say goodnight if that means you say goodbye.

How about if instead, I hold you while you cry and face down those things which you dont think you can face alone?

❤

[MtnTime2896]

You all are too kind to a outcast like myself. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. I just hope I can see what you all see, one day. Thank you.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

You all are too kind to a outcast like myself. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. I just hope I can see what you all see, one day. Thank you.

You are too down on yourself. You are no outcast. You are a wonderful person. I have seen you reach out to many - myself included.

If people can't see the beauty that is you, it is they that are the outcast because they are missing the beauty and warmth of the light and love you rain down. You do not need to invite darkness in, do not mourn for those who do not wish to accept you. Instead, glory in the knowledge that they will forever miss out on what is you in this moment, and that person is very special and unique.