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#1
Apr 22, 2017, 12:09 PM
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(So I'm not spamming the boards, I'll just keep adding to this thread.)
I'm really considering checking myself into a hospital today or tomorrow. My thoughts are bad today. Intense SI and a willingness to follow through with it. It's bad. I think what's kicked it off is something interesting. Now, I was already feeling really low and I haven't wanted to even lift my head from my pillow. My mind has been occupied by so many different things and from several different angles. There was this one thing that happened the other day that got me thinking about even more, though. I was driving with my friend (we call that time "midnight therapy" because we always end up talking about deep stuff and it's the middle of the night), and something was brought up. I started a low dose of olanzapine last week. Now, the drug's full affect probably won't happen for another week, at least. Still, it has caused brief moments in which I no longer hallucinate (it's only happened a few times). Until this happened, I didn't realize that that's what people are actually suppose to see. It's like when you put on your prescription glasses for the first time and you can see the leafs on trees in detail, unlike before. Except, I guess it's the opposite. Without the drug induced moments of "clarity", I see things in patterns, colors change into other colors, the world can wave back and forth, letters fall away into new patterns etc.; but in moments when I'm not "hallucinating" the world is, for lack of a better word, boring. Everything stays still, colors don't change, there's not veil in which the people from other dimensions walk. I know this is long, so I'll stop here. I would've put this thread in a different forum, but the fact remains that this event set me off into a tailspin of thinking everything I see, hear, smell, taste and feel is all a lie. It has me really down. I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of finding new things that are wrong with me. I'm just tired.
__________________
"Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity." |
 Anonymous59898, BrownHat22, Crypts_Of_The_Mind, Fuzzybear, LadyShadow, Little Jay, Rohag, Rose76, subtle lights
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#2
Apr 22, 2017, 12:57 PM
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I've had hallucinations every day all day for so many years, according to the logic above. I don't even remember a time when these weren't a thing. Also, out of nowhere I'll feel like a class of twenty people are talking to me at the same time (rarely is it every just one person and when it is, I know that's a hallucination and I question it), but I've never questioned this. I've never questioned the fact that I'm not suppose to hear noises, voices and sirens before. What the hell is all this crap? And why is it happening to me?
__________________
"Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity." |
| BrownHat22, Crypts_Of_The_Mind, Fuzzybear, Rohag, subtle lights
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#3
Apr 22, 2017, 01:27 PM
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Why can't this all be over with?
Why can't I just ****ing die before I find out more **** I don't want to?! ......... What the hell did I do to create this life? Where did I go wrong?
__________________
"Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity." |
| Anonymous59898, BrownHat22, Crypts_Of_The_Mind, Fuzzybear, Rohag, subtle lights
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#4
Apr 22, 2017, 01:59 PM
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Quote:
  I have related much to this at times (sometimes still do)
__________________
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| MtnTime2896, subtle lights
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 MtnTime2896
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#5
Apr 22, 2017, 02:08 PM
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Perhaps you'll get used to it after some time? I know how you may be feeling right now, and I'm sorry
Perhaps talking to your doctor abiut this could be an option?You're in my thoughts 
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| MtnTime2896
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| MtnTime2896
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#6
Apr 22, 2017, 09:13 PM
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It's a huge change.
The fact that you are able to recognize it, says that hou have the power to overcome the thing which has been holding you back all these years. Baby steps. Don't try to rush it. Don't over think it. Take one moment as it comes. I wish I could tell you I know what you're going through. The truth is - I have never had this particular experience. That doesn't mean I don't want to be there for you or that I don't know what it is to have your world rearranged and the floor dropped out from under you. We just had it happen in differing ways. You have something special most of us do not - you got to live in a type of dream world for many years. If that dream world had continued to work conducively with what you were doing in this one - I would say "keep it, don't let it go"... but it didn't, so now it's time for change to take place, and sometimes change totally sucks! My world got changed from fairy tale perfection to total misery and abuse at the age of 12 when mom died..and continued on through most of my adulthood. So in a different way I was in a dream world I could no longer carry with me and I had to make a change. I carry the memories of that more perfect time with me and they help get me through some of my harder times. Perhaps you will find you can do similar. When the "reality" of the change in the view of the world as you see it becomes too much for you to bear ... write about the view of the world as you used to know it, or close your eyes an re experience it briefly. Change is hard. Some change we cant control. Some we can. This one you have some control of. Maybe ask your doc to ease you on the med a bit slower? |
| MtnTime2896, subtle lights
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| MtnTime2896
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#7
Apr 22, 2017, 11:42 PM
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They're going as slow as the want to risk it with me. Apparently I'm a suicide risk, haha. Who knew? I sure as hell didn't....
All sarcasm aside, they're doing what they can at a steady pace. If they want to go faster them I have to go IP. I do appreciate you all. I'm just grouchy, I guess. I'm sorry.
__________________
"Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity." |
| Crypts_Of_The_Mind, Rohag, subtle lights
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#8
Apr 22, 2017, 11:50 PM
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I'm writing this here, short and sweet.
I miss my boys. I miss them so bad. It's killing me. "My scars remind me that the past is real." And reality is that I lost them. It was because of you A. I tried so hard to ****ing help you. Before it got out of control. "I tried to help you once Against my own advice I saw you going down But you never realized That your drowning in the water So I offered you my hand" Papa Roach, 'Scars'.
__________________
"Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity." |
| Crypts_Of_The_Mind, Rohag, subtle lights
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#9
Apr 23, 2017, 12:37 AM
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Quote:
At one time when my BPD was severe I wanted to do a transistional residential type treatment which is more intensive but includes more than just medication and simple counseling as well. I did not go bc it was in another state and I was unable to arrange transportation. I guess what I am feeling from you is that you need to kind of get a feel for what you think will be beneficial for you. If you don't it may send you snow balling worse. I dont want that for you. ❤ |
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