[East17]

... title says it all really...

[passionfruit3]

Whats got you down?

[East17]

Just don't want to do this anymore. Tired of having to be here for others, not because I don't want to be, but because I'm done in. No energy, enthusiasm or will to just keep doing this thing called life.

[East17]

To take meds or not, that is the question...
They keep me marginally functioning... But I'm so detached from everything on the highest dose. At least when I'm not on AD's I feel more like me.... even if that is the suicidally depressed part of me... Maybe that's who I am...

Rambling, sorry. Detached.

[passionfruit3]

Have you thought of more natural approaches

[whisperingskye]

Sorry you are struggling so much. I am always arguing with myself whether I should take meds or not. Also feel like being suicidally depressed is just who I am now. It's been going on for so long.

How are you feeling today?

[Fuzzybear]

[East17]

This week has been the worst in a long while. I used to think it would get better someday, but I no longer believe that.

[East17]

I thought I was doing ok... Funny how your brain can lie to you... I've just been deluding myself that I'm coping. Because it's what I need to believe, to stop the world around me falling apart.
I'm still managing basic self care in order to go to work... But that's about it. I've lost interest in just about everything else. The 2 houses I live between are in a dreadful state, I just do the bare minimum and nothing else... I don't go out anymore except to work, I've lost touch with people and can't be bothered to reestablish contact. I only engage with others when I have to, otherwise I remain withdrawn.
The feelings of wanting to self destruct have been getting stronger and I'm not sure I can be bothered to keep fighting it. The inevitable will happen eventually.

[whisperingskye]

I can really relate to this right now. I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I feel very similar and don't have much in the way of advice, just know you're not alone

((((((East17))))))

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I've been there. You're not alone. I hope you start feeling better soon.

[East17]

Mood has really crashed this week, I know I've been a bit lax with my AD's and have been drinking too much... but that's because I don't feel like there's any point. Ending my life seems a rational choice to me, even if not to anyone else.

I was on my own for much of the time yesterday, would have been a perfect chance to phone Sams or CALL helpline, but I'd got to the point where I was so low, I couldn't actually speak to anyone... How stupid is that...? I suppose because I know that no one else can make things better, so what is the sense in just making myself feel worse...?

[East17]

Depression is a cold, dark and lonely place, even though I know others are going through similar thoughts and feelings, I am really still alone. No one can completely experience what it is like to be inside the mind of a suicidally depressed person, even when they have been there themselves, as all our experiences and triggers are all different. We can empathise to a certain extent and offer to be there for someone, but no one else can take that pain away.

I no longer believe I have it left in me to reduce the pain; there is nothing left but to remove myself from that pain.
But I can't......because others are relying on me to be there for them.... and so begins again the endless cycle of coping/not coping. Thoughts, researching, plans, actively looking for the foolproof way out.
I want to talk to someone about how I feel, but I can't. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, even those whose job it is to share that burden.

When does chronic suicidal ideation become a mental health crisis? I don't know the answer to this question, I have been here many times before and have always (so far) got through it... who's to say I won't this time? I don't want to be seen as the woman who cried wolf.... so I shut myself away and cope as best I can until it passes. But there will come a time when it won't pass, when I can't shut myself away and keep myself safe, when I no longer want to.... despite the consequences....
How will I know when I have reached that point?