Such a pathetic failure

I'm a grown ars man and I'm just laying here crying. It's stupid and pathetic. There is no reason I should ever cry. Woke up today, about 3 hours ago, in a good mood. Probably somewhere around a 3 on the suicide scale. Now I'm at a 7 and it's all I can think about. Every time I think of 1 way I start thinking of a new way. Trying to figure out what would be best.

Anything trigger it?

By the way - crying is healthy - it heals. Nothing wrong in crying.

*hugs*

I finally told my wife. I know at best it disappoints her, but she would eventually find out.

Told her what? (you don't have to say if you don't want to)

That I've started cutting again.

If I were her, I would be concerned, not disappointed. Why are you self-harming again? (by the way I did the same for many years so it's nothing I look down upon or etc)

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I'm glad you can share this with your wife. There's nothing wrong or pathetic about crying. Please be gentle with yourself....it seems like you're going through a lot. Do you see a pdoc or therapist? I hope you start feeling better soon and let us know how you're doing. If you need to talk I'm here.

It's dumb but I recently had a routine surgery that I really didn't want to wake up from. Well obviously I did. I have been progressively feeling worse (mentally) since. I should be able to handle the disappointment. I should have been expecting it. Yet here I sit.....

Oh he'll no. I know better.

I am so, so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Please reach out to someone if you aren't already to get some relief.

Nothing is ever dumb.
Why dont yoi want to live tho - that is the main concern you n your wife should focus on.

The self harm is only a symptom.

What do you mean by this reply?

I mean I know better than to see a pdoc or therapist.

What do you fear

Why I Don't Trust Doctors

Wow - I have had bad experiences with them but nothing quite like that. I seriously put my foot down with them the last time I was in the hosp though. I was in there for suicidal ideation but they put me in the addict ward bc no beds in the suicidal/depressive ward. Since I was on that ward - they decided all drugs (including prescription were to be taken from me) - that meant my seizure meds too - until the doc said otherwise. I told them I need my seizure meds so I do not have a seizure. They have no say over those. Those are not psychiatric meds - they pertain to my medical health. They said "we will see what your doctor says" ... This went on for 3 days...

I refused to do anything they asked me to
I wouldn't go to group
I wouldn't go to meals
I wouldn't come out for psych meds

When they would come to ask/tell me to do something, I would glare at them and say "yep, you want me to do something, i know. Too bad. You have my seizure meds ready yet?"

Finally they were like "you dont even have a neurologist we checked"
To which - I about punched the lady ... I was really that mad
I started screaming in a growly voice all his information and dared her to call him and inform him that his orders do not stand in this hospital

She immediately contacted someone - no clue who bc I NEVER saw a doc on that ward until that day, and within minutes I saw a doc. Doc asked me if I was a danger to myself - I answered honestly - I saud "not while I am here, but outside yes, I would be atm I am very scared of things going on and would rather hurt mysel than let others do it" Soooo... He gives me my seizure meds but assigns me suicide watch so I now have to sit next to the nurse's station 24/7 ..which DID make me extremely suicidal. Finally they transferred me off that ward but I was so messed up even tho they took me off suicide watch I was constantly talking to the nurses bc I was so depressed.

So I understand the frustration and the feeling of futility.

I will tell you this though too ... I started using them for what I could get out of them instead of relying on them.

What do I mean by that?

They do possess information that can help and they sometimes choose to pass along - I absorb that. Once I feel the amount of info they are willing to give us used up, I move on - but until that time has come, I make sure to get the treatment I instinctively know I need as well. See, they have the power to persuade things to happen if needed. Be it hospitalization, suggestions to change your meds, complaints about your pdoc, assistance with financial programs to help your living situation, etc. There are certain words, phrases, facial expressions, behaviors, etc that cause them to feel a "need" to pursue action or to fall back from action - learn those words, phrases, facial expressions and behaviors - and you can help yourself.

The problem is making sure they dont know what you are doing and in making sure you always look after the BEST for yourself instead of allowing the worst - which means if you feel yourself falling too quickly before your next appointment, you check yourself in - so you can still maintain enough control to make sure the docs there cant mess you over.

This is the only way I have found it to work at all for me. Basically - I have to be the driver of my healing process, the docs are my supports, and those around me are the "soft landing" if everything else falls apart...