[MtnTime2896]

I couldn't stop it... and after some time I quit trying to. I had to for my own good but I still feel weak for doing so.

Those things that happened....

I'm pathetic. Well and truly disgusting and pathetic. I'm no better than the dirt I step on.

I am nothing.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I couldn't stop it... and after some time I quit trying to. I had to for my own good but I still feel weak for doing so.

Those things that happened....

I'm pathetic. Well and truly disgusting and pathetic. I'm no better than the dirt I step on.

I am nothing.

[MtnTime2896]

"Can you wash me?
Can you drown me...
Please"

-Tyler Joseph, 'Drown'.

[MtnTime2896]

I can't stop hurting. ****... it hurts so bad.

I just need it to stop.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I couldn't stop it... and after some time I quit trying to. I had to for my own good but I still feel weak for doing so.

Those things that happened....

I'm pathetic. Well and truly disgusting and pathetic. I'm no better than the dirt I step on.

I am nothing.

You are very special to me. You are a dear friend.
The things they did....
You didn't have anything to do with their choices.
You had nothing to do with this.

You know what you have to do with?
The fact that you chose to survive.
Tell me - how does that make you disgusting and pathetic?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

how does that make you disgusting and pathetic?

Being honest, those were their words. Not mine. They became mine after that sort of thing stopped (at least the physical side of things). The words and more creative punishments came until I left. The words have become my own. And I don't know how to make them leave.

[MtnTime2896]

I don't know how to quit saying them.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Being honest, those were their words. Not mine. They became mine after that sort of thing stopped (at least the physical side of things). The words and more creative punishments came until I left. The words have become my own. And I don't know how to make them leave.

Can you tell me concrete reasons why their words are true?

Then tell me reason why they are not true?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Can you tell me concrete reasons why their words are true?

Then tell me reason why they are not true?

I don't know how concrete it is, but one reason I know for sure; I truly feel like their's something evil inside of me. I've never said it out loud or wrote it down before now, but I truly feel like there's something sinister inside of me. Like I'm a spawn of something not human (granted, I have paranoia and psychotic features that could be playing into this). Maybe they were trying to beat it out of me, figuratively and literally trying to beat the evil out.
Other reasons: When I cried, it was a pathetic attempt to achieve their sympathy. I need to be ashamed because I committed acts worth that type of punishment in the first place.

Reasons why they're not true: Unknown. I don't know how they couldn't be true. I'm so weak and stupid I can't find a single reason why these words aren't true.

I appreciate what you're doing. I must admit my fear; my fear that I'm too far gone.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I don't know how concrete it is, but one reason I know for sure; I truly feel like their's something evil inside of me. I've never said it out loud or wrote it down before now, but I truly feel like there's something sinister inside of me. Like I'm a spawn of something not human (granted, I have paranoia and psychotic features that could be playing into this). Maybe they were trying to beat it out of me, figuratively and literally trying to beat the evil out.
Other reasons: When I cried, it was a pathetic attempt to achieve their sympathy. I need to be ashamed because I committed acts worth that type of punishment in the first place.

Reasons why they're not true: Unknown. I don't know how they couldn't be true. I'm so weak and stupid I can't find a single reason why these words aren't true.

I appreciate what you're doing. I must admit my fear; my fear that I'm too far gone.

Nobody is ever too far gone.
It's hard to get yourself to think in a direction you never have before.

Now - think back on what I told you about the argument between me and my dad. Understand some of the myriad of things he said to me was that I was a quitter, no good, a big disappointment, etc. That was just one of many times.

So now - we (you and I) are gonna play a bit of a "what if" game here...

What if I tell you now that I am truly no good and a quitter at everything...?
Trust me when I say - there are times I believe those words to be true. So if I said that to you - what would you say?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Nobody is ever too far gone.
It's hard to get yourself to think in a direction you never have before.

Now - think back on what I told you about the argument between me and my dad. Understand some of the myriad of things he said to me was that I was a quitter, no good, a big disappointment, etc. That was just one of many times.

So now - we (you and I) are gonna play a bit of a "what if" game here...

What if I tell you now that I am truly no good and a quitter at everything...?
Trust me when I say - there are times I believe those words to be true. So if I said that to you - what would you say?

My hypocritical self would correct you on that. If you were a quitter, you'd be dead. If you were no good, then you wouldn't be trying to help me, etc.. I'd correct you and attempt to get you to see my point of view, much in the way you're currently doing. I'm a hypocrite, I'll never deny it.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

My hypocritical self would correct you on that. If you were a quitter, you'd be dead. If you were no good, then you wouldn't be trying to help me, etc.. I'd correct you and attempt to get you to see my point of view, much in the way you're currently doing. I'm a hypocrite, I'll never deny it.

No - It's not that you are hypocritical, but you are used to thinking in one direction for you and another direction for others.

Try pretending it's me ...instead of you ... in the situation you are describing to me - and tell me why "I" am not disgusting

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

No - It's not that you are hypocritical, but you are used to thinking in one direction for you and another direction for others.

Try pretending it's me ...instead of you ... in the situation you are describing to me - and tell me why "I" am not disgusting

My mind can't manufacture that scenario. I know that I probably would be doing what you're doing now.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I don't know how concrete it is, but one reason I know for sure; I truly feel like their's something evil inside of me. I've never said it out loud or wrote it down before now, but I truly feel like there's something sinister inside of me. Like I'm a spawn of something not human (granted, I have paranoia and psychotic features that could be playing into this). Maybe they were trying to beat it out of me, figuratively and literally trying to beat the evil out.
Other reasons: When I cried, it was a pathetic attempt to achieve their sympathy. I need to be ashamed because I committed acts worth that type of punishment in the first place.

Reasons why they're not true: Unknown. I don't know how they couldn't be true. I'm so weak and stupid I can't find a single reason why these words aren't true.

I appreciate what you're doing. I must admit my fear; my fear that I'm too far gone.

I believe everyone in this world (except little children) has done something they have regretted--that's why learning to forgive ourselves and others is so important. You have made so many loving gestures towards me and others. I have seen your good side. It is within you and all of us; we all have to try to cultivate that side of ourselves to become a better people. Not perfect, just better. Don't be ashamed--you are suffering from trauma that is mostly not your fault. Keep trying to overcome it. I know your trauma was extreme. You have to climb Mount Everest while my struggle is more like a tiny hill. Life is not fair but you have so much to offer. Your writing is fantastic. You are extremely caring--it is probably the deep caring part of you that, in part, makes you vulnerable. But it is also makes you strong and is why so many of us have fallen in love with your spirit, POV and really do accept you.....

[Sunflower123]

[Onward2wards]

[Zukodyn]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I couldn't stop it... and after some time I quit trying to. I had to for my own good but I still feel weak for doing so.

Those things that happened....

I'm pathetic. Well and truly disgusting and pathetic. I'm no better than the dirt I step on.

I am nothing.

Seems like you're in deep emotional pain, unconsciously.