I have been here a while, and I have observed from the posts here that a great many people here are incredibly kind and supportive to others.

Those very same people who have such compassion for others, do not treat themselves with the same kindness and respect.

Are we UNABLE or UNWILLING to see ourselves in the same light as others see us?

Just an observation...

Both are so intertwined with me now, it hardly matters. Caring for others and trying my best to be kind is actually easier, if that makes sense. I have given up on myself and my future, but not others.

[MickeyCheeky]

Yeah, it sounds weird, isn't it? But it's beautiful to know that there are so many people who are kind to others.. hope they'll start to love themselves, as well, because they deserve it

[East17]

It's definitely easier to treat others with kindness and compassion than it is to be like that to oneself.

[Fuzzybear]

Agree with title

Why though?

Are we this way because of a mental illness, or do we have a mental illness because of a propensity for self-derision?

I have a very clear picture of myself pre-depression and I was NOT this hard on myself. I never had confidence, that part's true....but I had the ability to be objective about myself.

Now....It's a kind of dysmorphia of the soul...

[subtle lights]

Sometimes we give away more than we have...maybe there is nothing left for us. We are gasping for air but we help others with their oxygen mask first...Without putting ours on..

What helps me being compassionate with myself is doing activities on my own, such as swimming at a pool or a beach, or travelling. Perhaps going to the mall to buy myself some stuff and buy some food for myself. I choose to spend time with myself, because I want to support myself on my own both to heal pain and thrive myself upwards.

[ptangptang]

It's one of life's great conundrums (great word) isn't it. My self esteem has been shot to pieces by circumstance, events and people and I constantly beat myself up. Yet, I think and hope, I'm a very caring person.

[pillid12]

I think most of the people here have shared a similar circumstances that may have shattered their confidence. It is a human nature to take pity to those people who have suffered or went through the same fate as them.

[Sunflower123]

So true. I'd be much better off if I could show myself the same compassion and kindness that I show others.

[str8uptruthandlove]

I find both to be true, at various times. Caring for others gives me a sense of purpose, makes me feel better about life in general. But caring for myself in the same way seems... somehow undeserved. I don't know why exactly, maybe it's past mistreatment that tells me "you're not worthy of love". Something to work on, I suppose. While I'm saddened that other people do this too, I am ever so slightly grateful that I'm not alone on this.

I really want to get to some understanding of this....(and...kind of unrelated, I completely hope that someone in the medical community reads these forums...there is important information here. I don't know what it means, but I know it's important.)

People who post here are SO compassionate toward others. I would say they show much more compassion than the "normals" out there. There is a correlation here....

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

People who post here are SO compassionate toward others. I would say they show much more compassion than the "normals" out there. There is a correlation here....

Maybe because we let our vulnerabilities show...In the big real world the paradigm that's running is about hiding, suppressing your emotions, if they are not conforming to the rational expectations of the situation. And emotions usually aren't because this is how they work. It's obviously not okay to let them rule you (well, I still need to learn how not to..) but what is considered "normal" out there is something that gradually creates a lot of invisible pain in people because there is this need for emotional freedom of expression that is denied by how society works. So it builds up. Also, some of the negative, destructive tendencies are considered the norm, and even desired, such as invalidations learned by children early on as the social standard. It's polite to say "I'm fine" and to lie about a bunch of other stuff. You either get used to it and lose the capacity for compassion or you will get fed up and end up feeling like a alien that has lost her mind especially working for a long time in a relatively impersonal corporate environment, where this is the desired standard (drawn from my recent experience...)
Unfortunately I'm also struggling with expressing compassion, because it doesn't come naturally to me...But here I feel safe to at least try.
Here, it's okay to be vulnerable, it feels safe(er).

Maybe the lack of compassion for ourselves is a form of punishment?? I do it. Self-imposed penance, atonement, reparation....for imagined failures.

Just a thought...

[Algea10]

I've been in therapy for over 3 years now and my psyD continues to try and get me to be self compassionate and identify positive aspects about myself. I haven't been able to do it or to give myself any allowances for my failures. It's a gut wrenching exercise for me. I've always had difficulty with my self value and care, but like you all, I have no problem supporting other people.

[Algea10]

Apparently, mine is rooted in childhood. It started in my preschool years and never stopped with the emotional neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse and emotional incest by my parents. I was the protector of my younger brother and sister and the go between my warring parents. I don't remember hugs, I love you or any words of encouragement or praise. In fact, if I did say anything good about myself it was met with age appropriate insults that put me in my place. My 85 year old mother still uses them when she thinks I'm not focusing on her needs enough or disagreeing with her too much. I once ask my mother when I was 15 years old if there was anything I did well in her opinion. She told me I made a good salad. I wish I were kidding but I'm not. I remember it because it was so hurtful.

[GreenBlueRed]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Now....It's a kind of dysmorphia of the soul...

That is a clever observation. Hmm.

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

What helps me being compassionate with myself is doing activities on my own, such as swimming at a pool or a beach, or travelling. Perhaps going to the mall to buy myself some stuff and buy some food for myself. I choose to spend time with myself, because I want to support myself on my own both to heal pain and thrive myself upwards.

I think this is a good point. What if you treated yourself like another person for the day? You wouldn't want someone else to go without eating, or to get bored... take them (you) out to have some fun! I could probably trick myself into that. Maybe.

I am going to be painfully honest here. The self-neglect is to protect myself from accusations from others that I am selfish and undeserving. If I am the one who is hardest on myself, no one else can be. If I help others, no one will question that. If I help myself, I am open to attack.

I'd like to believe it is humility that I put others before myself. Maybe sometimes it is. But most of the time, it is fear and ironically, ego-protection.

That was really hard to say.

[Algea10]

It seems to me that recognizing and accepting our own value is difficult or impossible for many of us. Whenever I am in a therapy session and my psyD gives me positive feedback on my progress I find it so hard to accept that I will deflect or get physically ill.

I think that low self-esteem and depression must be closely connected....I don't receive compliments well. I'm sure that it's just politeness, or they got me mixed up with someone else.
For sure I don't deserve it. Not deserving anything good has to be self esteem, right?

In relation to this, I hate presents and parties or events organised for me. Not that I've had many for years. But even as a child, they embarrassed me, made me feel guilty and ashamed. I just wanted it all to be over so things could go back to how they were. I wonder why......

I like that people are commenting on this. Thank you so much. It's meaningful.

I also, Little Cat. I hate being noticed. Even as a small child I didn't like it. That feeling never goes away

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I like that people are commenting on this. Thank you so much. It's meaningful.

I also, Little Cat. I hate being noticed. Even as a small child I didn't like it. That feeling never goes away

This entire thread ... is ... so poignant, so ME. Reading through it, it appears MANY of us feel the same way, i.e., we care SOOOOOOOOO much for everybody else and not even a little for ourselves. That's me.

So maybe I'm not alone in my feeling that everybody else should have everything they need/want/desire and I shouldn't have ANYTHING i need/want/desire.

Christmas. As a kid, of course i liked getting presents. But i always wanted to be Santa. I wanted to GIVE the presents, not get them. This has been a part of me my entire life. And now, here, at what is likely the end of my life, i find myself only wanting to ANONYMOUSLY give things away and help people. I don't understand this emotion or it's source but it brings me to my knees and brings me to tears ... i only want everybody else to be happy, to see the beauty of life. I want none of that for myself.

Originally Posted by always_why

This entire thread ... is ... so poignant, so ME. Reading through it, it appears MANY of us feel the same way, i.e., we care SOOOOOOOOO much for everybody else and not even a little for ourselves. That's me.

So maybe I'm not alone in my feeling that everybody else should have everything they need/want/desire and I shouldn't have ANYTHING i need/want/desire.

Christmas. As a kid, of course i liked getting presents. But i always wanted to be Santa. I wanted to GIVE the presents, not get them. This has been a part of me my entire life. And now, here, at what is likely the end of my life, i find myself only wanting to ANONYMOUSLY give things away and help people. I don't understand this emotion or it's source but it brings me to my knees and brings me to tears ... i only want everybody else to be happy, to see the beauty of life. I want none of that for myself.

I could have written this, but I don't communicate as well as you do. I don't do anything for the recognition (I don't do much at all, truth be told, but I used to). So this thing that's going on (this...form of self-harm) was a part of me before depression hit. It has definitely increased with the depression, but I suppose that it is, in a way, a trait maybe, of those of us who have this illness.

Perhaps we are predisposed to depression??

[Bill3]

I wonder how many here, in childhood, were taught that they were bad or selfish or conceited if they wanted something for themselves.

I wonder how many here found, in childhood, that the most important thing in the household, or perhaps even the only thing that mattered in the household, was making a parent happy, or trying to.