[Mdp214]

I'm new to this forum and haven't really posted anything in the welcome chat rooms or anything but I just thought I'd jump right in because it felt right to me...I hope that's not an issue:/ I just wanted to begin to tell my story, because I'm in a place in my life where I am very alone. To start I am a 21 year old college student in Indiana and have been struggling with depression for most of my life. In high school is when my depression really peaked and hit its highest point where I realized that I needed to get help. I left school for half a semester to get help with assistance of a therapist and medication. Talking to the therapist gave a a renewed form of self confidence that I had never really felt in my entire life. When I returned to school at the beginning of the next semester I had a sense of happiness that I had never felt ever. My friends that I thought would never had missed me ran up and gave me hugs and told me how happy they were to see me. I hung out with people who made me feel happy and I always felt like I had a friend there with me to go on crazy adventures with and just do crazy teenager things with. My grades were going good and my life was happy for once. But there was one thing missing that I always wanted. I have always been a hopeless romantic and have wanted to meet someone that I could love and cherish till the day I died. Well. I thought I had met her. During that period when I came back to school I met the most beautiful girl in the world. I had always thought that this girl was beautiful and finally mustered up the courage to ask her on a date. Well we went on that date and it was perhaps the greatest night of my life. I starting dating this girl and it sounds all childish and high schooly but I fell in love with her. Over the next years I would share the most special moments of my life with her. I loved this girl. But I messed up. When I got to college I had told myself that I didn't want to deal with being in a relationship. I was in college I was rushing a fraternity. I didn't need that in my life. I met another girl (it never turned out to be anything just a stupid feeling of mine) I left my girlfriend. And over the next few months I would tear her down with my words and my actions. Keeping her around when I was seeing other women. Telling her I loved her then going out and choosing to drink and do drugs and talk with and take other women out on dates only to have her find out about all of it and it hurt her so much. At the end of my freshman year of college I told her I was so so sorry and that I wanted to be with her again. She gave me another chance even tho I had caused her so much hurt. The summer went good but when I got back to school I ran around with the wrong crowd and got involved in the same bad behaviors only hurting her more. I improved I tried to become a good boyfriend to her. Then 2 months ago she found out I was self medicating my pain with drugs and could no longer deal with it and left me. I was devastated. I went to rehab and now go to NA meetings and I am clean off drugs. So I called her and asked her to go on a date. She accepted. We laugh. We enjoy our time together. But I want more and she says it doesn't feel the same and she doesn't feel comfortable or the same about being in a relationship. We get in arguments because I tell her I'm hurting because I feel like she's leading me on with having other intentions for herself. I will take her on nice dates and drive long distances to see her when she needs me but she still wants nothing more. I went out into the world and ya know what? Nobody is like my girl. I will love her till the day I die. Dealing with the pain that I caused her hurts me everyday. I sit every night by myself and thing. All the drinks. All the drugs. All the parties. Was it worth it? Was it worth hurting the person you love most? Was it worth destroying your body for a piece of mind that I never got? Was it worth it? No. I have to deal with the pain everyday and I feel like if she is gone. All my friends are gone. My family life is horrible. Then what's the point of this anymore? I'm in pain. I just want to feel better. I started seeing a psychiatrist and have been prescribed medication but I'm afraid it won't help. I want to feel happy again. I want to feel loved. I don't know what to do or how to make the long hours go by. If someone has had any sort of similar situation could you help me with some advise?

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are going through such a painful time. Are you seeing a therapist to process and deal with some of these feelings? Why not try the medicine? It can't hurt and could actually help you feel better.

You need to find something to distract yourself or fill your time so you're not ruminating over this. I don't know what that is for you but staying busy will help. This sounds like a fresh loss. Time does heal or dull the pain. Best wishes.....

[Skeezyks]

Hello Mdp: I see this was your first post here on PC. It's been a few days since you posted it. Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I don't know if you're still actively with us, or plan to be. There can be a lot of support available here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other members in real time (once you've had 5 posts reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff!

I wanted to tell you that I have had experience with something similar to what you describe although it was many years ago & did oh so much damage to people who deserved infinitely better. I'm glad you went to see a psychiatrist & are giving medication a try. Perhaps it may help. In my case neither psych med's nor therapy have been of any consequence. What I have had to do... what I continue to try to learn to do... is to simply accept that I did what I did & I am the person I am. Take it from me, this is no small task. It's an ongoing struggle I will deal with for the rest of my life.

From what you wrote it sounds to me as though the good thing in all of this (if you can call it that) is that, in the end, it is only yourself you have hurt. It sounds as though your former girlfriend has moved on. I'm sure that sounds like cold comfort to you. But trust me it's preferable to knowing that you irreparably scarred other innocent people as well.

There is a book that's a few years old now written by Jon Kabat-Zinn titled: Full Catastrophe Living- Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness Perhaps you've heard of it? It details the stress reduction program that was developed at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center. In this book Dr. Kabat-Zinn makes the point that before we can move forward with our lives we have to learn to accept ourselves just as we are. The stress reduction program provides a means to accomplish that.

I think it's a good idea to try the med's. You might also consider seeing a counselor or mental health therapist for a period of time. Plus... the simple passage of time itself will help to heal the pain you're experiencing. However, should you find that none of these things are sufficient to heal the hurt inside, then my suggestion is to look for some way of simply coming to accept yourself... just as you are whether that be via a program such as that detailed in Kabat-Zinn's book or via some other program or technique. There are a variety of them out there. It can be a difficult path to follow. But, at least from my perspective, in the end it's the only way. And ultimately you'll be a better person for having tread it. I wish you well...

[Fizzyo]

Welcome to PC.
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