Really alone right now.

I'm not lying when I say I am so depressed right now. Things are happening (or not happening?) at home so my home life is weird. I'm out but I'm not really OUT because me being queer makes my grandma uncomfortable. I can't talk about any parties I go to, any events I go to, any crushes I have, anything in the news that's queer related because 1) it makes my mom uncomfortable because she is afraid of what my grandmother would say and 2) my grandmother literally looks so disgusted that she looks like she'll throw up. My mom accepts me but she's afraid of my grandma (and that is what years of abuse does to you, so I understand my mom's view but...my grandmother can't keep getting away with things). My grandma was emotionally abusive and sexually inappropriate with me as a child on top of me being molested so now I'm dealing with the repercussions of all of these things by myself at the age of 25.

I have to deal with my grandma thinking that me being gay is worse than me being molested because, "The past is the past and nothing can be done about that, but you're gay NOW." I have to deal with my grandma victim blaming me and saying it's basically my fault that she and my mother never confronted my perpetrator's family because, "You didn't REALLY tell us what happened", "You didn't tell us on the same day it happened", things like that. "If we confronted them, people would have looked at us differently". All my fault. I was 5 year old. FIVE.

My gender transitioning is such a long process. I came out to my mom as nonbinary a couple of weeks ago and it went alright, but she doesn't know I want top surgery. I don't want to take testosterone but I really want top surgery and the process for that is going to be so long and expensive because I'd like to do that when I have a job and my own apartment, which is another thing.

This job search isn't going well. I went straight through high school to college to grad school so my job search would be easier but it's not. It's horrible. When you're little they tell you that you have to know what you want to do by the time you're 10 years old and then you have to get good grades to go to a good high school, same thing for college, and grad school is "optional" (although now it's becoming mandatory because of the price of living). And you make plans and do all of these things...and you still struggle.

My whole life has been a struggle. Can't I have something easy for once...?

Then dating, jfc. Being black and queer is a recipe for loneliness because the amount of people who've told me they don't find black people attractive is astounding. And this isn't just from white people. It's also from other people of color. You see this in the media, you see this in real life, you see people fetishizing us, and it is so discouraging. I would love to spend part of my life with someone. I would love to learn and grow with someone. I would love to vibe on multiple levels with someone. But it is so hard...And you try and you get out there only for people to say, "Oh, you're black, sorry..."

I am just so lonely, and I'm beginning to realize that people put their significant others (SO) above their friends. I have a friend, my best friend, who I was supposed to hang out with this week, and they said they couldn't hang out because they're studying for an exam. So I said I completely understand (which I do; I want them to pass it so badly!). But then I went on SnapChat the weekend before and saw her hanging out with her girlfriend in the borough I live in. And I felt so sad. Whenever we hang out, 99% of the time she invites her girlfriend. But for this she didn't think, "Well Starry lives in the same borough literally 20 minutes away by train COMBINED with walking to the destination. We should invite them!" But no, she didn't. I know that that's my best friend's girlfriend but it would be nice if I could just hang out with my friend alone for once without her inviting her girlfriend...

I may be making a big deal out of these things and I'm sorry. But I am so alone and I feel so stagnant. What was the point of making plans for my life if it was going to be hard to get it started anyways? I should have taken my time, worked after college, have fun, then go to grad school.

Sometimes I feel like it'd be better if I didn't exist because I make my family uncomfortable.

If you read through all of this, thanks so much. I truly appreciate it.

Hello Starry: No words of wisdom I'm afraid. But I just wanted to let you know I read your post & I hope things begin to look up for you soon.

Thank you for sharing. I read your whole post too.

I'm sorry your grandmother is so unaccepting. That must be very painful. The older generations are often still rigid about sexuality.

It's frustrating when you want to spend time with someone and they are "connected at the hip" with someone else. I recently met a woman I would like to spend some time hanging out with, but her boyfriend is always there. And they don't invite anyone to hang out with the two of them. They are always alone together in her apartment.

Have you asked your friend if the two of you could have some time together without the girlfriend? Tell her you miss spending that kind of time together. Maybe she will respond.



--Ceara

I read your whole post. I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to let you know I support you and I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Hang in there. I hope things turn around for you. would it help you to have a therapist?

My friend actually approached me and asked if we could hang out, just the 2 of us. This was a couple of months back. And I was so happy and the hang out was going great...until she said that she has to leave early to see her girlfriend and, instead, the girlfriend would come hang out with us instead. I didn't know how to tell her that I'd rather hang out with her alone, you know? I don't want to come off as jealous or anything, you know? So I'm not sure how to approach the situation...because other than that she is a FANTASTIC friend. Absolutely wonderful. She's just attached to her girlfriend's hip. =/

And yes, it is really sad that my grandma will go down not accepting me...It's sad that she is so ignorant and not willing to change.

Thank you for reading my post and responding to it.

I actually do have a therapist. I've had her for almost 3 years but she tends to downplay my problems because she's white and she has white privilege and she has no idea what it's like being black and living in poverty. So she unintentionally makes light of my situation while disregarding the fact that things are a LOT easier for her, being middle class and white. =/ So it's sort of tough being in therapy now, and even my therapist is at a loss as to what I can do to alleviate the pressure at home. She is great, just a little naïve.

Thank you for reading my post as well. It makes me happy that you all were willing to read my post. I'm very grateful.

Do you feel comfortable asking her for recommendations to black therapists that you might feel more in sync with? You deserve a good therapist that you feel in sync with.

we gotta say **** em, who needs em, this our life, im tired of people thinkin i need them... what have they ever done for me besides abuse me

i dont need that ****!!!

im sorry you are suffering, i feel you... do you my friend... you granma opinion is her opinion and thats what that is, she dont know nothin' :angry:

whos she to try to tell anyone what to do or how to live

whos anyone to tell anyone what to do or how to live

this is our life, we been through ****, been hurt, we need to do what we need to do

if we want something, this is what we want, something makes us happy, its what we desire, then this is our life, we crave it, its ours... who gives a ****, say "I GIVE ZERO ****S!!!" **** em, do you

you are worth bein happy... if they dont like it, they can go peel a tree, or whatever it is cricket people do ... im tired of people tryin to tell me how to live... this is my life damnit... if they been through half the **** i been through then maybe they would understand but no they have not been through **** and they dont get it so **** em

ya know what i mean?

sorry if my post is offensive.... im just borderline insane these days... losing my mind ya know...

Keep strong man. Sorry I have no advice or word to give since I never been in situation like yours. Just remember there still people who support you out there.

I feel really bad for suggesting that...I feel like I'll hurt her feelings. But I probably should power through it and ask...Thanks a lot.

And thanks so much to everyone who responded. You are all so kind.

You are BEAUTIFUL. Don't ever forget that. You are unique. Don't forget that either. Sometimes, the world does not accept us because they do not understand us. Do not hold it against them. The world can only meet us as much as they have met themselves.