[Something is Wrong]

I'm not sure if I'm actually depressed and it's really bugging me. I feel like I'm pretending to be depressed but idk. Well here's a little about me first:

Growing up I have always been bullied in basically every single grade. I didnt make friends too easy because of that either. Nobody helped me with it and it never went away. My family never paid any heed to my problems and neither did my teacher (infact my teacher refused to help; instead he picked on me too and rudely said that the reason everybody hates me is because I'm quiet when infact I was quiet because everybody hated me). It was really tough and I *almost* killed myself (tried 3 times). The bullying has stopped now although it still haunts me that it'll happen again.

Along with this I always had self-esteem issues when i was a kiddo that led to EDs. I don't have an ED anymore but still extremely low self-esteem.

My family is really dysfunctional too. There is a communication barrier and everybody just really hates on each other in the family. There really is nobody to go to.

But after all this I still don't know if I'm depressed or not. It's kind of hard to explain. Like I know I do get depressed even after the bullying and my ED has stopped but am I actually depressed that I can get diagnosed clinically? I get depressed and I SI, cry, don't do anything, intrusive thoughts etc. for months on end and then I start to get calm/content (probably lasts maybe a couple of days to a week or something; sometimes more depending) until I get knocked to my knees again (almost like a crash or something). Is this a MI or something? It really makes me doubt myself whether it's all in my head and I'm forcing myself to be depressed.

My intrusive thoughts are always there though. One time I tried to convince myself that I'm a liar and I don't have an MI and I tried to block out my intrusive thoughts (basically I was yelling at myself in my head when an intrusive thought popped into my head). It didn't really help though. My intrusive thoughts just don't go away. Maybe because I'm used to the thought from before? I have no idea....

I don't thik this is bipolar though because I'm not 'manic' per se. I haven't really done anything really radical when I'm not depressed. Maybe just spread a few smiles now and then and just feeling happy and that I want to dance but nothing extreme and over the edge.

Maybe this is depression episode. I have no idea. Or maybe I'm normal... It just really confuses me because I feel like I'm lying to myself or something when I think I have depression. Ughh I don't know. Just so so confused Probably should go to a psychiatrist and actually find out but I know I'll just feel like an idiot if I really am normal and I'm trying to force depression on me.

Sorry if this is a stupid post.

[vital]

Hi Something is Wrong,

I do kind of think that you are depressed, but, anyway, I think that it's very worth while for you to find a therapist or a counselor to talk to and explain all this stuff (ugh. I r e a l l y don't like bullying). Just explaining it might make you feel better, and, hopefully, you'll find someone who has wisdom from having seen this before.

I do also have advice for what to do if you're depressed, but, guess what? I doesn't even really matter if you are officially depressed or not because the stuff that I think works best is great for your health anyway. Have a look:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[Something is Wrong]

Thanks Vital

I also wanted to add that I don't really mean 'pretending'... I mean more along the lines of 'overreacting' or something. I don't know....

you need to see a doctor; we can't diagnose you. but if you have any of the following symptoms:
* pervasive low mood
* lack of motivation, ambition
* tiredness and lack of energy
* tendency to isolate
* not eating properly
* insomnia
* thoughts of self harm or suicide
* not enjoying activities you used to love

... then you may well be depressed.

[Rose76]

I get the impression that you throw the term "hate" around rather loosely. You sound very young and not very experienced in life. It's not true that you went to a school where "everybody hated" you. There are mean people and also nice people in every school. To think that you were the one and only nice kid surrounded by a whole school full of mean haters is not believable. That's you smearing a bunch of people you never got to know.

Some young people do have a hard time fitting in and making friends. I sure did. It is very painful when you're young to feel like an outsider. In every school I believe there always are some students who really don't manage to make friends. For those young people school can be a miserable experience. There should be more help for isolated students, IMHO. But it's kind of simple minded to think that, if you had difficulty, it was because everybody wanted you to be excluded. That's not very realistic. It's not fair.

You do have a trait that many depressed people have. You tell yourself discouraging things that are not necessarily true. That's a good way to end up depressed sooner or later.

I think some time with a counselor might benefit you. If you explain your view of life out loud to someone attentive, you might start to notice "something is wrong" with how you interpret reality to cast yourself as always the victim. Maybe, in your family growing up, there was no one to bounce ideas off of. So some poorly formed notions might have entered your thinking and never got challenged. I think you need someone sensible to talk to about the painfulness of your home and school experiences. I think that pain has warped your view of life. But you are young, I believe. That means you can still re-orient your thinking to be less negative, which I think could give you a much better life.

[Sunflower123]

You've had some hard knocks in life. I'm sorry about that. I, too, have been bullied...had a dysfunctional family...had an eating disorder...have low self esteem. All of these things take a toll on you. I encourage you to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to be properly diagnosed. Don't be afraid or embarrassed. The traumas and stress you've been through can cause brain chemistry changes. It would also be helpful to see a therapist and start navigating these issues so you're not lugging around a lot of unnecessary baggage. Good luck and best wishes.