[Rose76]

I'm used to having tailspins. I go into them, and I come out of them. They pass. This one that I'm in is way worse than usual for days. I tell myself to just get up and start doing things and I might pull out of it. You can't think yourself out of these downturns. That's what experience tells me. I had 3 disappointments this week that were out of the ordinary. I guess that's what set this off. I usually can find a cause.

I gave up on running to pdocs and therapists years ago. They're no help. I take one antidepressant from my regular provider that I've been on forever. I always got worse when I went off it, so I stay on it. Pdocs have given me everything else you can imagine - every category of drug. They were all a waste of time. I won't re-try any of them.

My living circumstances aren't very happy, but I've been in them for a few years. It seems I haven't been this bad off since 2013. I was used to going up and down. But not this far down.

It's a beautiful day out. I'm just crapping away my time - what's left of my life.

[Skeezyks]

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I have downturns as well....it can be brutal. I hope you come out of this soon. If it continues, please see your doctor about possibly increasing your dosage. Best wishes....

[Rose76]

No, I don't increase my dosage. More gives me a sore throat. There's no pharmacological solution. Even bad downturns eventually go away.

I told my S/O how I'm feeling. He doesn't want to hear it. He never has. That makes it worse.

[Rose76]

I tell myself it will go away. Even if I do nothing to fight it, it will go away. But until it does, I'll feel lousy. I've gone through it before. Sometimes, I'm just content to do nothing. Right now, though, I want some way out of this. If he could show some particle of compassion.

[winter4me]

know what you mean

[Rose76]

My lip is swelling with a cold sore - a delayed reaction to more stress than I can handle well. It's painful and causes more stress.

I managed to make dinner for my guy and me - just spagetti. But it tasted good. Eating improved my state of mind. A Vicodin eased the sore lip and soothed my mind a bit also. Something about the day coming to an end feels better. It's okay to sit in front of the TV after dark. And I had wine with the food, diluted with seltzer because I'm not a big wine drinker. So I don't feel as awful. If I can possibly get into the shower, I might improve more.

[Rose76]

I thought yesterday I was coming out of this pretty good. That was good turn around time for getting out of a trough. But today I'm back down again. I have to make some decisions that are painful.

[Rose76]

I'm having a bad time. Slept too much during the day on Monday . . . slept till 3 p.m. with nightmares . . . now I'm awake in the middle of the night. I can't find a solution. I almost want to die.

[Rose76]

I called a crisis line. The counselor (and it was a professional counselor) just kept repeating back to me what I was saying. I know that's a technique she was taught in school. I couldn't get passed the technique. I felt like I was talking to a robot. So I broke down sobbing and ended the call. I just want to fall asleep. It's dawn now, and I've been awake since 3 a.m. So I took some Vicodin. Not because I'm having pain at the moment. I took the pain pills to get some relief from mental stress. I know that's a sign of me not coping. I would say I need help. But there isn't any. I wish I could take a bath, but there's no tub here. I'm at my boyfriend's. I feel a weird sensation like a chill or bugs under my skin. I'm hoping the Vicodin will calm that. I can't tell any doctor I take Vicodin for bad depressive episodes. That'll be the end of the Vicodin. Sure, they've got all kinds if psych pills to hand out. I've tried them. They don't help me. I don't see where anti-convulsants or anti-psychotics are any good for depression. They weren't for me anyway. I don't think my problems can be medicated away. And they can't be talked away.

Rose, please take care of yourself for a while. I know how much, I try to understand, you are handling at the moment. . I hope the pills help you to settle and get some much needed sleep. Antipsychotics seem crappy, but it might be an idea. Seroquel makes you hungry but that worked for me in the past. Not anymore because of the diabetes, and I'm sorry you are having nightmares.... I have lately too. Take care friend.

[Clara22]

As you said, there is no talk, no meds. It may be something that needs to happen. A change

[Rose76]

I want to go home.

[Rose76]

I know there is no easy solution. I know what my options are, and I don't like them. So that's life: making hard choices.

I feel like it's not worth making an effort. But I know that will make me weaker, and my life will be that much worse. I expect my future to be crummy.

[Clara22]

It is worth because you have the right to happiness

[Rose76]

There is no such thing as a right to happiness.

I appreciate that you wish me well, Clara.

[Fuzzybear]

Have you gone home to get some sleep? I hope you have.

[Rose76]

I go home about once every 10 days for a few hours. I sleep here at his house.

My sleeping is crazy . . . different hours every night . . . sometimes up all night. I go back to the sleep disorders clinic next month. I doubt there's anything they can do. They gave me home oxygen, saying I don't breathe deep enough at times during the night. I got rid of the oxygen. It's too annoying, and I'm very close to the verge of normal on oxygen levels. It's falling asleep that is hard. Has been all my life. Then, if I get up without having slept 7 hours, I feel absolutely dreadful. That's how I'm feeling every day now.

[Rose76]

Last night (Sunday eve) I doubled up on my amitriptyline, taking 100 mg, instead of my usual 50 mg. That higher dose let me fall asleep, and I woke up Monday morn feeling greatly improved. So Monday was a good day, and I accomplished a few things. So Monday eve I took a double dose again. But here it is Tuesday 2 a.m. I'm still awake. But I feel I am out of that awful trough I was on.

I feel like I will be alright now for a while. What a relief.

[Mackie51]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I called a crisis line. The counselor (and it was a professional counselor) just kept repeating back to me what I was saying. I know that's a technique she was taught in school. I couldn't get passed the technique. I felt like I was talking to a robot. So I broke down sobbing and ended the call. I just want to fall asleep. It's dawn now, and I've been awake since 3 a.m. So I took some Vicodin. Not because I'm having pain at the moment. I took the pain pills to get some relief from mental stress. I know that's a sign of me not coping. I would say I need help. But there isn't any. I wish I could take a bath, but there's no tub here. I'm at my boyfriend's. I feel a weird sensation like a chill or bugs under my skin. I'm hoping the Vicodin will calm that. I can't tell any doctor I take Vicodin for bad depressive episodes. That'll be the end of the Vicodin. Sure, they've got all kinds if psych pills to hand out. I've tried them. They don't help me. I don't see where anti-convulsants or anti-psychotics are any good for depression. They weren't for me anyway. I don't think my problems can be medicated away. And they can't be talked away.

I'm really sorry to hear about your struggles. But you come across as a very strong woman, especially without your partner's support. It must so hard but I really think you are doing all the right things. I'm going through a mild depression myself. Nothing like what you're going through. I think you're so brave and strong.

[Rose76]

Thanks, Mackie. You make me feel encouraged. I hope your downturn reverses soon.

[Mackie51]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Thanks, Mackie. You make me feel encouraged. I hope your downturn reverses soon.

I hope so too. One of the possibilities, or causes, of my depression is age. I'm over 60 and I'm told it happens as you get older. I'm thinking, I'll just try to look on the bright side as often as I can. I don't want to go on to medication, so I'm trying out mindfulness exercises which are apparently scientifically researched and found to be helpful. It seems like I will need to consciously make myself happy rather than expect to be happy all the time.

[*Laurie*]

Hey Rose- Hi. I feel bad because I did not see this post at all, until just now.

I'm wishing you well...hoping you're feeling better than you were when you started this thread.

One thing I want to mention is that Vicodin is a depressant.

[Rose76]

Hi Laurie. I do know that opiates are central nervous system depressors. (They can make me sleepy, and they sure do cause constipation.) However, in my case, they make me feel better psychologically. I think that, like most sedating drugs, opiates probably reduce anxiety. Anxiety seems to drive a lot of my depression. Aside from that, opiates just make me feel happier. I know that puts me in the category of people likely to become addicted. So I limit my use.

There is a lot of evidence that, at least in some people, opiates help relieve mental depression. They do in me, though not as much as the amitriptyline does.

But I realize that setting myself up to crave hydrocodone is not going to be a good thing.

Anyway . . . the higher dose of my ATD seems to be working, so I'll stick with that. Since taking that higher dose, I am feeling dramatically better. That is in spite of me not expecting it to help me like this, so it's not a placebo effect.

I appreciate the replies above. The recent downturn was a bad one. But it's definitely lifted.