Haunted by Suicidal Thoughts

Just to let everyone know up front I have no plans to kill myself so this is not about making a threat. However, I am haunted by the thoughts of suicide almost all the time. I try to push them out of my head and have made a commintment to do nothing to harm myelf but I still can't get the thoughts to stop. It seems like suicide draws me to it like it is something that I will give into one of these days. Sometimes I feel like the only want to get rid of the pain is to go to a place where I will never feel anything again. These thoughts scare me sometimes because I can almost see myself doing it one of these days but I don't want to hurt my husband who is so kind and gentle and loving. It would be a horrible thing to do to him and that is what stops me from doing anything. But how can I get the thoughts to stop. Anyone with any experiene in this area can you please tell me how to stop the thoughts and help me learn how to get through this time. I see my therapist next week and plan to talk to him about the thoughts but that is a ways away yet. Help or feedback would be appreciated.

If you are not going to do anything about them and if they are just "general" thoughts (no plan) then call their bluff? When I use to think about "suicide" it sometimes felt nice because there really isn't any "bottom" that can be deeper/worse? Such thoughts had a steadying influence on me and "kept" me from thinking about my actual, real problems of the moment that were confusing or which I didn't think I had any control over or way forward. Think of the suicidal thoughts as a "brick wall" and picture a brick wall and then over time maybe build yourself a nice "walled garden" and stick a gate in it and walk out occasionally?

I was once doing a guided imagery thingy from a book I think and pictured my "safe" place and it was/is a library/computer/office sort of place, kind of like Henry Higgins' rooms in My Fair Lady? Anyway, I have French doors that go out into such a walled garden where there is an apple tree and nice flowers and a bit of lush lawn, cool breezes, etc. But I capped off the whole thing by going to an antique store and finding a brass house key from the 1800's, a lovely, simple key, and I put that on my actual keyring. Now, when I get discouraged or unhappy I can "handle" and look at this little reminder of a pleasant, relaxing place and think of things I might like to do if such a place existed and then try to recreate them in some way here. I'll read a favorite book or something with an author good at description and revel in the relaxation/distraction I get from my problems for a bit there.

Perhaps the most useful, wisest thing my T said in 18 years of therapy with her was, "just keep putting one foot in front of the other." That she said that to me and that I can remember the incident calls her up and I'm comforted by how we worked together and she understands/understood so I don't feel quite as lonely, even putting that dreary-sounding advice into action.