suicidal thoughts

Temporary relief from seeing Barry Manilow in concert and feeling the love, and now I want to cry again. Things have improved, I was struggling to get into work and generally struggling more than usual. Have new anti-depressants ever made anyone feel 10x worse? Now I have ritalin thrown into the mix, and whether it's that or the ADs finally having an effect I don't know, but I can get into work again, and feel interested in what I'm doing.

I feel like there ought to be a good reason for feeling this messed up. I'm from a non-abusive but dysfunctional family. I don't think the genes or characteristics of my parents that I inherited were a good mix, and my family wasn't a comfortable place to be. But even when I wouldn't class myself as depressed, I feel pain and wonder where the hell it's coming from. I don't feel like I have a satisfactory explanation even after a number of years of therapy. Maybe I never will. Maybe it is my brain chemicals. I'm quite interested in getting in touch with my inner child and seeing what she felt like. I've only ever intellectually considered my childhood and how it affects me now. I guess inner child work is not just for CSA survivors.

I dunno. I have felt better than I do now. Turning 40 hasn't helped anything. I wanted a husband and kids. Now I can't see much point in anything. I worked out that I've got another 20 years until I can kill myself to have the least impact on my family's lives , but I suspect I can't do it to myself ever anyway. It pisses me off that my life has so much more meaning to my parents than it does to me, my family is all split apart now, and I don't think they'd cope with me leaving. It's a conundrum with friends as well. You can't tell them you want to die because then they have to do something, but then I think they'll feel bad if you haven't talked to them. I guess that goes in the note. My closest friend asked if she should worry about me - what can you say except No (and thank you for asking).

I can't kill myself but at the same time, I'm sort of preparing for the possibility. Like letting my parents know I get depressed because then it would be easier on them if I ever managed it. My dad and step-mum are coming for the weekend. I half feel like breaking down on them, my step-mother knows how to deal with it, though I'm not a real breaking down person, and I don't want to worry them too much!

Anyway, thanks for listening. There's not many places you can talk about stuff like this.

Debbie, please call a Hotline and talk about all of your feelings.

Absolutely, your family and parents and friends will be grossly impacted by any harm you might do to yourself. So, stop thinking about doing any such thing.

Keep posting here in this thread, even if it is hourly. Don't even consider doing anything destructive.

You can talk about stuff like this right here in this forum.

PLEASE call a hot line. I hope it isn't against forum guidelines to post this, but here it is anyway...Emergency Mental Health Hotline: 800-852-3388 (Statewide in MA)

You say 20 years. Well, that is the problem: you should do your best to avoid letting these 20 years pass like hell on earth. You say you don't know the reason, albeit intellectually. But is it possible, and is it really important after all?
You say you made years of therapy, so I won't be naive, but if it didn't help you, maybe you didn't focus enough on what is really important: what to do NOW. Or maybe you should just try again for that bit of luck that could make it work.
You see, I don't cry out a DON'T DO IT! but I invite you to be realistic. To really committ suicide you should ahave endured WAY greater pain than now, do you really want to? You should fight hardly and relentlessly to prevent this.

Really, the best of luck

You sound like somebody who doesn't really want to die but is too confused to understand how to fix your life. I understand that totally.

You want to find "a good reason" to blame for your depression but often the reason isn't visible. Quite likely you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. If things are dramatically worse with this new mix of meds you are taking you should notify your MD.

Please keep posting here for support.

Thank you for your posts which all make good points which hit home. I think I need to think before replying. Thanks for the hotline number.

(((((((((sending gentle hugs and lots of love))))))))
i myself have been there an it is not the answer. was never so happy that i didn't succeed. ending you life is not the answer ever. we need to answer the right questions to find the answers we seek. only you know what those answers are you seek to find. but when you are GONE that life journey is over forever and is irreversable. so sorry you are hurting, let me know if i can help.

recluse1

(((((debbie)))))) hopefully, we can walk through this together. i'm not having suicidal thoughts, though. i just plain feel so hopeless.....

I find it really hard to go back and look at my posts and see what people's replies are! I've been on PC since about 10pm and just made it here. I decided early on in life it wasn't a good thing to talk to people about how I was feeling and it's hard to get through that. But I'm so glad you're all here and it's OK to talk. I've also been wondering what it's OK to say without being over-triggering or undermining anything I've said to other people about why they shouldn't kill themselves!

I've thought over and over through my life, how hard it is, what am I doing here, the whole existence question of I don't want to exist, neither do I want to die and not exist, therefore I have to exist, but I don't want to exist, but my family couldn't cope if I died, therefore I have to exist etc etc.

Stefano, I agree with you:
"you should do your best to avoid letting these 20 years pass like hell on earth"
"maybe you didn't focus enough on what is really important: what to do NOW"
I don't want to think like that for the next 20 years. I did some DBT during a partial hospitalisation, and I'd like to get in a 16week program and do it properly to see if that helps. It involves changing pdocs to be able to get onto the program which I can imagine happening eventually.

"To really committ suicide you should have endured WAY greater pain than now, do you really want to?"
I can't see anything good in the future, just things like having to look after my parents in their old age - I'll probably do as bad a job as they did with me!

"You sound like somebody who doesn't really want to die but is too confused to understand how to fix your life."
I don't want to die because I can't get my head round it, but as we know life isn't a bundle of laughs, and I don' think I'm going to miss out on much if I leave.
I am very confused about how to fix my life - I have been trying for a long time. It has got better than it was, I don't SI or binge/purge any more, I can bear to be around my dad, I'm more direct with my mum so she doesn't do my head in as much and I don't feel like I have to look after her, my sister is more involved with the family so not everything comes back to me (had to move countries for that to happen!). I can handle being sociable much better than before.
But I don't have intimate relationships and I'm not having kids. I wanted to be able to do that. I feel like a failure in that respect and it's another thing that leaves me feeling like I have no future. It's the only thing I can cry about in therapy. My mum told us never to have kids, and is now complaining about not having grandkids! She'll be OK, my sister will have some.

I guess I don't have the pain giving me the urgency / necessity to kill myself. I did come the closest ever to being able to do it a couple of months ago. I think I just want to be able to talk about it and cry about it to myself. I know that I'm lucky in many aspects of my life, like having a job and bosses where I can miss some time at work and make up for it later, or work odd hours.

I am going to do things to try and make it better. DBT, Jon Kabat Zinn's mindfulness approach. I've just managed to start the process of changing therapists. If I could get some good results at work and feel like a real scientist that would help. It's good that I can work again with the ritalin, and it's probably a good sign that I voluntarily talked to some housemates for the first time in a couple of months yesterday.

Palpitations, I nearly lost everything I wrote.

I'm SO glad that I found PC. My therapist couldn't give me extra time, but it doesn't matter so much now. There are times I would like to climb inside the computer. When I'm not feeling so good at work I can log on.

(((((((finestitcher))))))))
(((((((stefano))))))))
(((((((yoda))))))))
((((((recluse1))))))))
((((((wickedwings)))))))

I know you have your own things you're struggling with and I really appreciate your support.

Debbie

(((( Hugs Debie )))))) I know how you feel I have been there. In fact a few months ago I posted one here, I was really down but it was deleted immediately and I was sent a nice little PM notifing me that it had been deleted. I hope you find love and help.
God Bless,
Kim

hi...
You know I have my own struggles with thoughts of this nature.. and no you are not hurting me or triggering me..

You have always been there in my posts being supportive and kind.. and I have never told you how much they mean to me.. I am telling you now.. thank you..

And these thoughts and feelings come upon us.. yes they do.. and they are so very difficult.. I just wish I had wonderful answers for the both of us.. I have care and love that I give you.. these are important to me and I hope important to you.

I certainly have understanding.. boy do I.. lots of understanding...the friend thing.. having to say "I'm OK"... but wanting to say "but I'm not OK"...

Posting here.. for me is a relief.. to have people like you and others where I can say "this is how I feel.. unvarnished.. and the truth" and still be accepted..to feel the love and care of people such as yourself - keeps me going.. I am not really sure where I would be.. if I didn't have the people in this forum.. it is so important to me.. for the first time in my life, I have found people that understand.. so what I am saying is that you.. are very important to me and I want you to be here on this earth...though feeling better...as I also want to feel better...

If you feel that there is someone in your family that would understand or friends.. reach out to them... I have with my best friend.. and though she doesn't "understand" the depth of my depression.. I know she cares.. and that helps..

I will always be here.. listening and supporting... for you.

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Yoda said:
Quite likely you have a chemical imbalance in your brain.

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Or maybe a brain imbalance in your chemicals...

One thing we don't have here is a little red devil icon...

Sometimes I engage in passive suicidal ideation as a way to release stress. I never seriously consider acting out the suicide, but I find that when I am fantasizing about suicide things seem less real. It allows me to feel more detached from whatever is bothering me. I use it as a method of escapism. Does this situation sound familiar to anybody else?

In response.. to (((chips))... I know what you mean.. years ago.. I also did this to escape..when things got really bad - I would have an escape route..the thoughts...

But now... the thoughts are real... and I have to fight like crazy to keep from acting on them.... implusive... hard to explain.. unless you been there..and it is easier now.. I have an extreme allergy to aspirin.. so the ways and means are just within reach all the time...

Hello (((DEBBIE))). I am sorry that you are struggling at this time with your depression. I hope that you will contact your therapist to discuss how you can possibly feel better in the future with a plan to help you move on and feel better at least a little more consistently that you do at this time. I volunteer for in the community a few weeks a month and it helps me to stay grounded and be thankful for things in life. I am not sure if you work but Volunteermatch is always in need of resourceful people to help someone else less fortunate in the communtity in your area. Volunteering also gives you a sense of purpose that you are helping someone else tohelp themselves, or animals if that is what you choose to do if you volunteer. Perhaps you are just looking for your rewards in life and are feeling a void in that needs to be filled in your life at this time. I hope things get better for you soon Debbie. Take care and best wishes, Soidhonia

Bleeugh, getting behind with everything but not through lack of trying. Thanks again everyone, will respond shortly.