Random thoughts. .

I understand what I should do (laundry, dishes, bathe, dust, organize, etc) but I just can't. I plainly don't want to get up to do that. Am I just lazy or perpetually(sp) depressed. I've been on meds and off meds. I self medicate with alcohol (the fashionable term) and smoke like crazy. I pop on the computer (which turns into a hour or more ordeal) to quickly look at my e-mail or myspace knowing, almost feeling the weight of, everthing I 'should' be doing. I want to do them but what's the point. It doesn't seem that my children have any concern for keeping things clean and no one is coming over to visit. I should do it for myself, I would feel better. Why don't I want to take care of myself?

*sigh* I'm sucked into my own, self-made, blackhole. Why am I waiting for someone to save me because, obviously, there isn't anyone there. . .

Just my thoughts, I wanted to get them out so I could see them.

I invented my Rutabaga Response Technique (RRT) for when I feel like you describe. . . The word "rutabaga" always makes me smile because it is such a ridiculous word to "hear"/say, etc. so when I am being sucked into the blackhole of "Dontwannaland" I decide, arbitrarily, to initiate my Rutabaga Response. I say, "Rutabaga!" very loudly and firmly and then march toward the thing I least want to do in the whole world (clean the bathroom?) and on the way, I find there's something else much easier, or more "rewarding" I'd "rather" do; take a nice warm shower and get clean, or change my sheets (and then take the nice warm shower as a reward and fall into them for a well-earned nap :-) and, sometimes, whatever I'm doing grabs me enough and the movement is enough to get me started and I do a couple things and find I feel a bit better. I keep going forward until I do feel better or keep repeating my "Rutabaga!" war cry and heading for the most boring, awful task "next".

I don't really care if I do chores necessarily or if I work on some of my projects/hobbies. Too, your rutabaga task might be writing a letter to your grandmother or something, doesn't have to be "physical" just has to be something you really really don't want to do :-) You should be able to find a heirarchy of things and some of them aren't too bad and the realization you only have to do a couple of them and only one at a time (take out one bag of trash, the "smelliest" :-) you don't have to take out all the trash in the whole place) and you can "cheat" and pile books, papers, etc. "neater" and that counts! Just taking the laundry from the bedroom to in front of the washer counts, taking the dishes from the living room into the kitchen counts, etc.

((((((((((((((((( Frozen_Heart ))))))))))))))))

(((((frozen heart)))) i totally understand. i'm constantly kicking myself in the brains to get things done. when i actually do something, i felt worse afterward than i did before i started and end up in bed for days recuperating. it's a bummer. i'm a neat freak, myself, and would love my house to be cleaned too.