New Habit/Routine Accountability

I am depressed again but my depression has never caused me to lie in bed all day, rather, I cannot focus on anything. This thread has reminded me that I have let my laundrey pile up so that is a small goal today. Hopefully, the plans I made for my son today go well. It is partially dependent on his actions too. If I can get him to a place where we can help him, I think I can get my concentration back. Fingers crossed and prayers.....

Well, despite some not so great sleep in which I had nightmares and had to wake up and turn lights on (and check all the windows to make sure they were locked), I'm doing okay for the day so far.

I didn't shower because I showered late yesterday, so I just did my quick sponge bath wipe down. I am dressed in clothes that are not pajamas, and I brushed my hair and teeth.

I'm going down to the social security administration in a bit and I have more work to do for my freelance client this afternoon.

So, so far so good. I even ate a healthy breakfast, even though that's not on the list.

Seesaw

Okay, I got dressed, ate breakfast, started to go down to the Social Security Office when I checked my mail on the way and found that my SSDI had been approved! Woohoo! I honestly feel just a huge weight off my shoulders. Although it still means I need to figure out how to get this month's rent paid and also how to get my bank account out of the negative. But at least I know I'll have income.

I went down to the SSA office, got a number and sat down. Then the security guard, who I can't stand because of the way he treats me, made me move to a different area because I have my service dog with me. It was really angering but I wasn't going to argue with him. Then the place is so overcrowded and loud, and the wait was going to be so long, I decided I would just go home and call them instead, since the call back process is an hour and a half usually and I can rest while I wait for the callback.

On my way home I got a call about a job that I had been interested in, so that may turn out to be a good fit and may fit with accommodating my disability, so I may not be on SSDI very long.

I also got an email invitation to apply for a freelance gig through UpWork, so that may help me deal with that debt I have right now.

I need to finish my weekly work for my freelance client too so I can get paid because that will just go straight towards helping me pay this month's rent and get back in the black.

So finally some good things happening for me, and I would say the good news definitely has helped me today stick to my new routine.

Seesaw

I'm sorry, but it kind of feels pointless. Yes, I finally exercised in the morning, and even went for a walk, which is good for maintenance, but ultimately I've again wasted a whole bunch of time trying to come to grips with a work project. I feel that since I don't do my job anyway, I might as well fill those breaks with something productive, but I lack confidence and motivation, which kind of goes without saying. I don't feel like I'm heading for a brighter future, but ineffectively braking a tumble downhill.

It's that stinking thinking that will get you down. Celebrate small victories. You exercised today? That's great. I'm lucky to have climbed a flight of stairs. You did great in my book.

Well, yeah, although it's a point that makes me feel out of place in this thread, because exercising is mostly a formed habit for me (although it takes less than 10 minutes, which I feel vague peer pressure to increase, but no actual intention to do so), which is why I feel little excitement when I manage it. I was trying to break the skin-picking habit, but that simply doesn't work when most of my activities consist of browsing Youtube or plain staring into the middle distance frustrated.

I don't know if I can participate in this thread

Maybe I'll try again another day

Do what you can and what is right for you. ((Fuzzybear))

Ok, since I said that violin was supposed to be practiced mindfully (how else?) I meditated before I practiced today. I have no idea if I'm doing it right but I had a wonderful image of me shovinng my hands into my chest and tearing out my heart. I imagined how hot and wet it was and how it pulses in my hands almost jumping out of my hands like a fish, and I imagined tearing bits of it off, bits like fear and anxiety and then I ate the bits of my heart and that made me strong. I'm so excited to know what will happen when I meditate next.

Back later tonight to update on my plan for making practicing and thesis convenient. I just wanted to make sure I didn't lose my scene.

I love that image. I think I will use it to make an illustration.

It sort of reminds me of a very perverted superman.

Good for you for meditating.

Walking to the sports centre shortly for a class. There is a local football team playing live on tv at lunchtime so I want to be home to watch that otherwise I might have gone in the gym. Will continue tidying up the house over the weekend. Must do some washing. Feeling a bit crappy the last few days but exercise helps. Want to get in the habit of learning ukulele, keyboard and guitar. Also picked up a really good tennis racquet cheap at a charity shop and I want to find somewhere to bash a few balls about. Now I've lost weight and got a bit fitter I think I can manage to run around a tennis court. haha. have a great weekend everyone.

OMG! Your visualization is so chilling! Btw are you researching on music or something else? I feel creepy after reading your description.

Got a virus and lying down in bed for the last few days. Depressed and anxious too. The depression has been increasing. Not being able to exercise or do chores like cleaning. Feeling bad.
Saw my GP today morn and he put me on an anti-biotic and vitamins for 5days.
I plan to rest some more - today and tmrw - as I am still sick and don't have much physical energy yet, and hopefully I can get back to my daily schedule from Mon onwards.

Today has been okay. I woke up with a nasty migraine and ended up staying in bed until about 1130am. But once the Excedrin migraine kicked in, I felt better. I took the dogs out. I ate a healthy breakfast again today. I went out and bought $1 detergent from the dollar store and took it to the shelter, and also took home some of their laundry because one of their washers and dryers is down, which means their laundry is really backed up. I got two garbage bags worth. The first bag didn't smell so bad. The second bag...O.M.G.! The smell of ammonia almost knocked me out.

So I was at home dealing with laundry and doing training with my dogs in between loads, then one of the foster admins at the shelter posted that they needed some fosters for medical needs dogs. So I ended up going and getting a 1 year old girl who has a fractured pelvis who needs cage rest for 2 weeks. Right now she is doing okay. She also has a respiratory infection she's recovering from, so I have to keep her separate from my dogs. But as soon as she's done with her meds, I'll move her crate back into the main room. She goes back in two weeks. I don't start my new gig until 9/11, so I think that will be okay, and it's part time. Even if I need to run home for lunch to walk her and check on her.

I feel good about my productivity today. I need to start tracking seriously days I feel okay and days I'm stuck in bed. There's got to be some rhyme and reason to it.

Hope everyone is doing okay with their goals this weekend. Weekends are hard because they lack structure. Keep is up! Small steps!

Seesaw

I need to start tracking seriously days I feel okay and days I'm stuck in bed. There's got to be some rhyme and reason to it.

Seesaw,
Even I am planning the same. I wanted to find out my depression curve. Maybe then I can work on it to get better.

I ran out of sleep meds and so I've been awake almost all night. I got 90 minutes of sleep according to my Fitbit. And now I can't even down to take a nap. I'm not manic, just awake. Ug. But so tired now.

I didn't meditate yesterday, but today I will. But. I did exercise yesterday and today. On Friday I practiced violin. I showered yesterday and Thursday. I will shower now, then meditate and play violin.

Then I will work and work on thesis. I feel like there's more to plan, but I don't know what that is yet. So I'll try harder to plan. I don't think I should wait until I'm reacting to things. Maybe I can plan my first day of classes and how I will deal with my thesis advisor, as well as other professors.

Turned out I've taken 2 days break instead, Friday and Saturday. Yesterday I did fine despite very angry and low mood.

Today goals are still same.

A higher anxiety day. Wasn't able to be mindful even though I walked all the way to the music building. I am very tired. My head is going around and around thinking about things. No violin today. It's late and I'll start again tomorrow. But I practiced yesterday. Btw, I solved my social media problem by creating a new account. That makes me feel a lot better. Exercising and showering is going well. Haven't meditated since I last mentioned. Was able to start on my big schedule but everything is still uncertain so can't put down too many set hours for stuff. Might enforce mandatory glove wearing hours for nighttime to stop trichotillomania. I have some cool skeleton gloves that glow in the dark.

I resisted taking anything to help me sleep and slept about 7 hours! This rarely happens for me. If my dog had not woke me up--I might have even slept longer (he is older and needs to pee more often). Of course, he is asleep now. When he wakes up--I will walk him. My H and I agreed to stop walking together for awhile. We are talking extensively. Sometimes it is productive. Othertimes it is upsetting. This has been going on for days and days. I hope the next round of talks feels good, not upsetting. Regardless of this, I am not depressed today. I am always grateful whenever I do not feel depressed. Depression is the worst. My heart goes out to all the people who have been depressed for a long time.

I did not do well yesterday.

The drawing goal, I was too tired I only do like 15 minutes. I totally broke 10 PM phone restriction as I'm too angry to sleep.

Hope today going to be better.

Well, I have been at my GP's office. Took a lot of blood-tests, but don't know the results yet. I can feel anger toward the situation I happened to fall into. One thing is that I have all this physical pain. The worst thing, however, is that somebody laid much more into what I had said in a special situation then I meant. Bad leadership made me out of work. Nobody was interested in my part of the story. So that's it; when somebody "clings to the boss' back", you don't have a chance. You can kick as much as you want to, but nobody opens the door for you.

There was a study once about rats or mice who were put in a helpless condition (electrical shock or something) while the control-group had chances to find out how to avoid the shocs. Study showed, as expected, that the mice who controlled their difficult situation made well, while the mice without control wasn't able to gain control later when opportunities for control was given to them. They had become helpless! The researchers called it Learned Helplessness.

I think that so it can be with people as well. When we cannot find the way out after tying time after time after time, we become helpless and stop looking for ways out.

I think that is what has happened to me!

I think the anger I felt when I started writing this was a reminder from me to me that I still have to fight!

I have decided to try an old written plan I have stopped using. The plan is made for the whole day. Dare I? I have no idea what to do other than to follow a plan that once worked. Yes, I do dare that. The plan is very good because it has incorporated 4 hours to work or study each day. Since I don't work for the moment, I can study.

I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS! Please keep your thumbs up for me. I will start to morrow morning.

Good wishes to all of you in tying to master your depressions and your days.

Good morning, everyone,

I'm really late to this thread, but I wanted to wish you all the best as you master your days and pursue your goals.

I have yet to settle on a long-term goal, but my goal for today is to make it out of bed and somehow drag myself to my appointment. It's a pathetic goal, I know, especially since today isn't a 'bad' day, but I'm exhausted.

But, hey, maybe the appointment will somehow help?

Of course it will. Keep the faith. Hugs

I'm doing good yesterday as my mood a little better.

Today I feel like down from roller-coaster. I pass the drawing goal for today.