Lost Cause

I've subtly tried to show people just how bad-off I was for years. At some level, I believed that if they saw it and possibly understood it, maybe they could help save me. False hopes, I know. Well, due to recent events, several people know about my daily struggles with suicidality (even then, only to a certain degree). You'd think that'd make me feel a bit relieved because then maybe I don't have to hide so much and I can finally deal with my thoughts openly.

No. It's not like that.

All of these people who I thought would maybe believe in some form of my recovery (though I quit believing in it myself a long time ago). It's not like that. It's the opposite. Everyone who knows about what's happened, every single one of them, seems to be preparing for my funeral. Not a single person believes that I can beat this. I don't even think my therapist does, anymore. They all believe my willpower will falter and I will die. It might as well be like when I was diagnosed with cancer at eighteen. Even then, I still had a few that knew I was going to beat it. But this... no one is convinced I will. They are just the same as me, without faith and waiting for the end.

Sure, at least they'll be prepared if I decide to give in. Hey, that's a good thing, right? Doesn't matter. It still ****ing hurts. I always knew I was a lost cause and now they do too. And this validates that belief. What's the point in trying, anymore? They don't see me, they only see my illness. I'm not a person anymore, just like when I had ****ing cancer. I'm not human, I'm the embodiment of sickness.

"When I look into yours eyes there's nothing left to see, nothing but my own mistakes staring back at me...

No matter what you see, you're still so blind to me."

-Linkin Park, 'P5hng Me A*wy'.

I had a long drawn out response... I've ditched that to say.... I hear you, I'm sorry, please hang in there.

I used to think people were that bright but they can't wrap around how you feel... They just feel like a really overwhelmed sap trying to keep up with their own thing... just don't give up... sometimes it's them and it's not you

I'm sorry .. I wish I had some better words to express what I'm thinking and feeling. So many here genuinely care about you, and I'm one of those who really care about you. I also hear you - and can relate more than I wish I did

Please hang in there if you can, I have hope for you

Thanks everyone. I'm sorry for being a negative nancy over here. I just don't have anyone I trust enough to tell this stuff too. I thought I did before but now all anyone does is analyze me for recurring symptoms and signs of decline.

"How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
And while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me"

-Stone Sour, 'Through Glass'.

((((((((( So leigheas )))))))))