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#1
Sep 17, 2017, 12:13 PM
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Hi, everyone,
I'll preface this by saying that I'm sorry for not responding to others' threads. Some part of me wanted to wait until I could be more articulate, and be up to par with what someone better than me would say. I'm sorry. At any rate, the reason I'm posting today is because I've hit "rock-bottom," and I don't know what to do. No one IRL knows, because I've gone out of my way to act "normal." And, in truth, there are times when I'm at peace - happy, even. My apathy and exhaustion are waning, and yet, I can't stop hating myself. I can't stop thinking what a horrible person I am. Deep down (and I don't mean to offend anyone by saying this), I know I'm weak and indulgent. There are people out there who are much, much sicker than I am - much, much more depressed than I am - and who are holding onto life. Even when I'm happy, I feel guilty, because I shouldn't feel that way. I don't deserve to feel that way, to be giddy. And, no matter what, I'm reflecting on the things I've done ... Perhaps the most disconcerting thing is that the suicidal ideation is really bad. I've hit the point where I'm making plans, and I don't think I can hang on anymore. I hate myself too much. I don't deserve to live. And yet, part of me is scared. I don't know what to do. If I was feeling braver, I'd call a hotline, but I have social anxiety, so that probably wouldn't help. Talking to my parents probably wouldn't help, either. I can't see that going well. I suppose I could check myself into a hospital, but that feels ridiculous - especially since I haven't done anything to myself. The last thing I want to do is take away from people who are in greater need ... Which is to say: if anyone has any thoughts, I'd very much like to hear them. I'm sorry to post about myself so much, but I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know. And I'm sorry. - Singin' In the Rain Last edited by Singin' In the Rain; Sep 17, 2017 at 02:26 PM. |
 Anonymous50013, Fuzzybear, Sunflower123, TishaBuv
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#2
Sep 17, 2017, 12:16 PM
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Hello
 Feeling like you want to hurt yourself is an excellent reason to go to a hospital. There is no such thing as "those who need it more".....you deserve help just as much as anyone else. Please be safe. Try to talk to someone.
__________________
 Eat a live frog for breakfast every morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day! "Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be left waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.” Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged Bipolar type 2 rapid cycling DX 2013 - Seroquel 100 Celexa 20 mg Xanax .5 mg prn Modafanil 100 mg 
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 Singin' In the Rain
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#3
Sep 17, 2017, 12:22 PM
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Quote:
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#4
Sep 17, 2017, 12:54 PM
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I second what Shazerac said. There is no such thing as "those who need it more".
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I have social anxiety too and I understand the difficulty of calling a hotline. But if you call then can help guide you through going to the hospital if that is called for. There are also online support lines I find easier to use but sometimes there is a long long wait to get someone online. Good luck to you and I hope you feel better.
__________________
------------------------------------ --  -- The world is what we make of it -- -- Dave -- www.idexter.com |
| Singin' In the Rain
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#5
Sep 17, 2017, 01:04 PM
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There's a text crisis line. 741 741. Sorry, I don't know that it works in Canada but there may be one that does. If you're feeling that way and have a plan please go to the hospital. Thinking of you.
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| Singin' In the Rain
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#6
Sep 17, 2017, 01:14 PM
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__________________
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| Singin' In the Rain
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| Singin' In the Rain
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#7
Sep 17, 2017, 01:15 PM
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You're obviously an intelligent person who is suffering from depression. Your self esteem is in the gutter. You need to take care of yourself and pick yourself up. Do you take an anti depressant? You need to see a doctor about this depression and try the pills.
Take this from me, someone in the same emotionally ill state as you. I am trying. I want to be well. I want to be giddy and I sure don't feel guilt about being happy. We are supposed to be happy. We need to make ourselves happy. Depression is a biological illness. Please help yourself. I help myself. My problem, is I keep falling back in the hole. Hugs.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
| Singin' In the Rain
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#8
Sep 17, 2017, 01:41 PM
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I don't have much more to add than what has already been said. But I will say this: you owe nobody an apology for not talking a lot, or for posting about yourself. No one will hold it against you. And we all come from different degrees of difficulty, but that doesn't make your struggle any less valid at all.
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| Singin' In the Rain
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#9
Sep 17, 2017, 02:22 PM
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Hi, everyone,
Thanks so much for your thoughts and kind words. I'm feeling a little better, and I think I'll try to find a text crisis line. To be honest, I feel even worse for posting this now, but I'm grateful for all your support. It means a lot to me. I wish I could say more. Just, thank you. 
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| Anonymous50013
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#10
Sep 17, 2017, 02:29 PM
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May I ask? Where is the self hate coming from? While we all know that depression or other MH challenges lower one's self esteem, there usually are reasons (valid or not) for low self esteem. What are your whys? Focusing on the cause usually helps with the effects. Does this make sense?
__________________
[B]'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.' |
| Singin' In the Rain
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#11
Sep 17, 2017, 02:46 PM
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Absolutely, you may, though I'm not sure I can offer a cogent response. I used to enjoy writing, but lately, it's like pulling teeth. At any rate ... Much of my self-hatred stems from past actions, to be perfectly honest. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for a while now, and it's taken a toll on my family. I've gotten better at dealing with my feelings, with keeping them to myself, but there was a time when I over-burdened my friends, and everyone around me. Many of them have moved on, but I can't seem to forgive myself. It's even worse now that I'm having a hard time with things like doing chores (though I'm usually pretty good at "faking it"). As of late, I've also had a hard time managing my schoolwork. I'm struggling with high school. Not because it's too hard - far from it - but because I lack the motivation to get done. I'm trying, but I feel like I'm dragging myself through molasses. And, quite frankly, I'm done. I'm fed-up with my inability to do anything. I'm sure this sounds petty - and it is - but I used to be very driven, so it's hard to lose that part of myself ... There's so much more I could say, but I won't. I don't want to make this post too long. I appreciate your asking, though; it was interesting to reflect on the "why's," which isn't something I usually do. Thank you. |
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#12
Sep 17, 2017, 03:03 PM
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Thank you for responding. High school years are very difficult, in fact, in my opinion, teens are the hardest years of one's life. I speak from experience, since I am few decades older than you. Have faith in the fact that life gets easier as you get older and that is only if you work hard enough, focus on gaining your education, financial independence and a building a dignified, independent life. As long as you stay focus on your basic goals, you will be fine. I have suffered from depression since I was 12 years old and I know only one thing: you cannot let it stop you from achieving your own identity and basic goals. Use depression as a source of inspiration to get wiser and mature. Good luck. I m here, should you need a friend.
__________________
[B]'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.' |
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