[sinking]

I'm SO tired of only surviving each and every day.
Of surviving all the thoughts and questions and feelings...

I'm tired of going to sleep feeling scared.
Of feeling unsafe and that there is no safe place for me because i'm scared even of people living close to me so that i can hear what they do.
I'm tired of having to hide things and keep secrets and even hide myself or try to be invisibile.
I'm tired of interacting with others because i have to.
I'm tired of having to pretend, of having to please others, of listening to others, of talking with others, of having to do with others.
I'm tired of thinking about my old T and new T and feel they cant possibly care and dont care.
I'm tired of wondering why other people dont answer my texts, messages, emails... Wondering if and what i have done wrong.
I'm tired of wondering and guess what other people want, think, feel... what they want and expect from me.
I'm tired of having to put up with others and of feeling uncomfortable around them when they are who they are in their daily routines.
Im tired of feeling uneasy with others, when i realize they have a body and it disgusts me.
I'm tired of fantasies, of hurting people and of being hurt.
I'm tired of going to sleep with all these thoughts.
Tired of work, of waking up, of living, of existing, of ME...
Tired of eating and fighting with eating
Tired of being different, feeling differently, thinking differently.
I'm tired of being not normal... Of not being able to be normal...
Tired of this life.

[*Laurie*]

I am so sorry, sweetie

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I'm glad you have a T. Can you tell her what you've said here? I hope you feel better soon

[sinking]

Thanks, i guess i just needed to vent... just to let someone know my every day life is torture in my head.
and food is making it easier but also harder. im sick bingeing.

[Shazerac]

sorry you are feeling so down and tired

[sinking]

I've texted my T yesterday, we had to fix next appt. but she hasnt answered.... its obvious and natural she doesnt want to see me anymore. it hurts, but what can i do?

my mom didnt talk to me at all today. she wanted to see if i would have started a conversation. i could feel she was doing something like this but i really didnt feel like talking at all so i didnt.... and now, at the end of the day, she has thrown it back on my face. it is not personal, i just dont feel like talking. why is it offensive to her? i just want peace and silence. im too tired for anything else. it makes me feel guilty, but why do i always have to give in to what others need and want from me?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting.. you don't deserve it at all.

[Fuzzybear]

[sinking]

Today im sick of everything.... theres nothing i can think of that could give me joy or just relief....

people is what hurts me the most. im sick of everything and everyone

[sinking]

Today i've found working more relaxing than being home... Maybe cause then i didnt have much time to think or feel anything.

At home, my mom has stepped back a little, without any apparent reason. This confused me. Made me wonder if she did it in purpose or not and what she really feels and wants and made me really think and wonder what happens in her head and heart...

I missed some things i used to take for granted... Made me wonder if i dont appreciated them enough and its good to realize they're not to take for granted and to see what i will one day miss for sure. It is a bit (quite a lot) painful too... but it made me feel closer... Funny how a step back makes me feel closer... Maybe again cause i want what i dont have and dont want what i do have...

And it also made me wonder what is this emotional independence and freedom i so desperately want to achieve? Do i really want it? Wouldnt then i feel sad, alone, lost and abandoned? Do i really want not to have anyone to account for anything?

I guess, what i really want, is a way to avoid all of this. The future. I dont want it. It feels exhausting only thinking about it. And I'm already really really tired.

[sinking]

With my T... im not sure if she doesnt pay attention or if she just doesnt get it, but she seems to only see what she feels when we're together and then i feel invalidated...
and she just plainly bores me.... or maybe I bore myself... or maybe both...

i dont know what to do anymore... i only want to lie in bed all the time, i dont care much about anything else.