[wanttolivebetter]

I've dealt with thoughts of dying being the only way out of my situation for close to a decade, but there was always something in the back of my mind screaming at me that I didn't want to die and to find a way to fix my life so I could stop having those thoughts. Lately, it's like I don't have the mental or physical energy to be bothered by the thoughts, so I just let them happen.

I've also always had a huge fear of death in general to the point that I would panic before long car trips because I was so afraid I would get in a car wreck or drive my car into a lake and drown or something. Lately, I just don't have the energy to care if I die, though? It's hard to describe but very unsettling. For example, I've avoided going on roller coasters for many years because I was afraid of falling off the ride or having a heart attack on it or something. Recently, some friends wanted me to go on a coaster with them, and I went on because that fear was just gone. It was like I was too tired to exert the energy needed to be afraid. While it was good not to feel terror at the thought of going on a ride that is safe for the vast majority of people, it was unsettling that my thought process was, "Well, if I die on this ride, I don't care. No point in running through scenarios in my head where some part of the ride malfunctions because it doesn't matter. If I die, I die."

This is very scary. Part of me wonders whether I am close to death and that's why I've recently become so resigned to the idea. I've definitely had health problems for a long time, but when I go to doctors for them, they dismiss me.

I can't afford to go to a therapist to tell them how I've been feeling. I don't have friends, and I'm alone most of the time. (I know I said I went on a roller coaster with some "friends," but they were really just people I met on the internet, and that was probably the only time I'll ever see them in person...not like people who live near me who I see regularly or anything). I don't know what to do. I'm simultaneously terrified and numb...mostly terrified of how numb I am about things that normally terrify me?

I have an idea of what is triggering this all, but I've already rambled enough, so I'll just leave it at this for now. I wish I could afford to go talk to someone. I feel terrifyingly isolated. I was hoping that I could apply for an insurance plan with better mental health coverage next year, but it's looking like that may not be possible because of changes going on in our government.

[wanttolivebetter]

I am thinking about seeking out a therapist and putting it on credit cards, but I just don't want to wind up regretting it. I've done that before...I've felt that I was in a near-crisis situation and began frantically calling therapists' offices looking for someone accepting new patients despite not really having the money for therapy. Then the therapy wound up not helping me at all, and I just felt worse because I was several hundred dollars poorer and not doing any better mentally. I don't know.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by wanttolivebetter

I don't have the mental or physical energy to be bothered by the thoughts, so I just let them happen.

That can be a remarkably effective way of disarming the thoughts. I deal with suicidal ideation similarly. I don't attempt to "stop thoughts"; I let them come, "greet" and acknowledge them, and let them fade.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Rohag. It might be good to allow those thoughts to come and not resist them. Greet them and let them float on by like clouds in the sky. I’m sorry you are struggling. You can always post here for encouragement and support. Sending big hugs.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

That can be a remarkably effective way of disarming the thoughts. I deal with suicidal ideation similarly. I don't attempt to "stop thoughts"; I let them come, "greet" and acknowledge them, and let them fade.

I have suicidal ideation, I guess I “greet” those thoughts too

They are old aquaintances ...

They sometimes fade eventually

Love to all on this thread

[Shazerac]

I agree with the others. I get SI thoughts from time to time I just acknowledge the feelings and let them go.