....

I wish I had the guts to go to therapy. I worry I won't find someone good enough, clever enough or with training on my issues. I have been once through some kind of CBT therapy and it was the worst, the therapist was just trying to make me do some homework, I couldn't do, without understanding why I couldn't do it or the all picture of me. This was at the hospital, then they didn't even reschedule my apoitment after one time I got the dates messed and missed it. I asked my pdoc to refer me again to therapy, but I think she didn't, has it was months ago and I didn't hear from them. Anyway, I have my suspition that she didn't do it on porpuse as she said in that same apoitment that there was nothing she could do for me. (Really nice thing to say) And that she thought I am very well adapted to my life as a lonely person, I should just accept who I am. Yes, I may have schizoid traits, but I am a big avoidant too with a huge social anxiety that has to work with lots of people everyday! And depression also doesn't help, which I keep falling into. I am not adjusted, I can't be adjusted!
And there's my sister, whom I live with, just slighiest older than me, who by the way is a pdoc trainee. Who is all over the place in my life, but to whom I don't disclose any of my deep feelings, as I am ashamed of them, and as I never trully did before.
And I am at this stupid dead end road at which if I wanted to get a therapist elsewhere I would have to disclose everything to my sister and almost ask her permission. And I don't want to do that, I don't feel comfortable doing that, I get scared and anxious just imagining myself doing that.
And as I live with her and don't have many options at home renting, I just have to keep going on on my own.
I don't even know how to speak about what I go through, my memories get erased, I talk about it but sudenly I get emotionaly disconected with my own experiences, I can't find the words or build a speach, just disconected short sentences. What is this? Come on!
I am supose to be smart and then all this lack of ideas! Am I really smart? The tests say so, but otherwise I am just a mess. I say and do dumb things all the time. Why the facts of everydays logic keep passing by me? And then I hear why at it seems all so obvious...

mulan...please find someone to talk with that you trust....please find someone who will
help you.... to understand yourself...

I’ve been to many therapists before I found a good fit. Please keep trying.

I wish I knew how to do that. There are too many ifs and buts and I am afraid of making big decisions (and small)
Oh! If help could come to me... I don't know what to do, I searched some therapists, but can they help me?
And I really don't want to justify myself to my family and there's no way they won't demand justifications, ask questions... I don't want to answear to their question, if I wanted to I would already have talked to them. I feel them too judgy, too critical, too intrusive... I don't want to feel bad about my decisions, I don't want to minimize my intentions for them not think much about it and at the same time feel bad about myself and their judgment. I don't want them asking how it was (and my sister would have a special professional curiosity).
I want to quit my pdoc, but can I? No, always questions. "Oh, yes, she thinks I am schizoid and there's nothing medicine can do for me", "yes, schizoid is someone that doesn't like anyone, that's your daughter/sister, all your life I have been lying to you, you don't matter to me". Instead I choose to say plain things "she asked for you mother, she sends compliments to you sister" - she knows them both. Both patients in the past, one a colleague.
My family is a bit toxic, I like them, I should like them more, I feel they take my air. Feelings are not an OK topic at my house and at the same time there's a non spoken role I have to tell everyhting or my mother has to know everything.
Or can I go to another pdoc around? It's debatable, they know or will know my sister. We look very alike, our last names are unusual. It's a small world with lots of gossip, too much gossip. One thing that I learned is that psychiatrists can be meanest than the general population with colleagues with mental health problems.

I’m sorry about the psychiatrists being so mean about others with mh problems. I just don’t get it .

I’m sure not all of them are (I know little turtle never was like that)

Not all. Maybe is a cultural thing around here. Some feel entitled to make conclusions about others behaviours because they know how to name it and they understand it, it's not just only a way to behave as for anybody else is, it has another meaning. The fine line between normal and deviation gets a name. I guess.
They learn to judge behaviours and the learning goes beyond the patients' setting.
Being abnormal is most of the time part of being normal, but...
I don't understand it either totally.

mulan is there anyone that you are talking to secretly...like a friend

I don't have friends... I have done that once many many years ago... Teenage naive me (still naive today). Big mistake, still embarrassed about that, handled it in a stupid way. Promised I wouldn't do that again to someone. I don't want story to repeat itself.