[nikon]

I'm not in a good space today. I've been trying to be honest to my therapist about irrational thoughts I've been having but only managed to say a couple and was too embarrassed to say the others because I know they sound ridiculous.
I feel really trapped in my head at the moment. those thoughts, which I feel like I can't tell anyone because they'll think I'm crazy, and other thoughts which people will think similar things about. I am angry at people and things around me really often and often have violent fantasies about what I "want" to do to the people I'm angry with. I don't think I would do anything, because I know I would feel guilty, but my thoughts go there anyway. I worry that if I tell this to anyone, especially my therapist or doctor, they will immediately freak out and want to put me in hospital or dramatically increase my meds.

although I feel like sh-- today, overall i'm not doing terribly. I'm holding down part-time work and not failing my college course. I'm not planning on suicide. i just feel like what the f can i do... i'm damned if i keep the thoughts to myself because then they just drive me crazy, but damned if i talk about them because then i'm almost positive i'll get into "trouble" for them ie: have to deal with something unpleasant like additional meds or hospital or something. previously when I have confided similar things to people it has caused chaos. things like this also make me wish i didn't have a family, because the worst about that kind of chaos is when your family turns up and looks at you in this disappointed, weary way. that's the main reason i never want to get into psychiatric trouble again. just don't want my family emotionally involved, and since they are financially involved in my life, if I emotionally can't cope, they automatically become emotionally involved when there are hospital bills or medical insurance claims.

[MtnTime2896]

You're not alone in having thoughts such as these. I have them all of the time. They're very overwhelming and a contributing factor as to why I hate myself.

I think if you told your T, it wouldn't be cause to hospitalize you. Especially, if you have no intention on acting upon the thoughts. You may get a med increase, but it's not suppose to be punishment. It's meant to help you so that you're not stuck with these thoughts. I'm also familiar with that look people can give. I hate that look. But if you get all of this handled through therapy, there shouldn't be any cause for hospitalization and you might not even need a med increase.

[MtnTime2896]

I also feel like it's important to add that these thoughts aren't you. I'm a hypocrite in saying that but I truly believe it for you.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Nikon, you seem like a sensitive and caring person. I'm very sorry you're feeling tortured by angry thoughts.

I don't have any practical suggestions. I just wanted to echo So's message.... that you're not alone.

Is it worth remembering that some people see suicide as murderous thoughts turned on the self. They'd ask, 'Who are you really angry with?"

In other words, admitting to anger shouldn't surprise a therapist.

Best wishes.

[Fuzzybear]

[nikon]

thanks for the support everyone. I'm still on the fence about being honest about all the thoughts but probably slightly more thinking about telling my therapist. with the angry/violent thoughts i also just feel really awkward and embarrassed because when I've mentioned things like that previously my therapist has subtly tried to check that I'm not going to do anything violent. like, asking me, but trying not to ask directly: so do you know the difference between thinking this and actually attacking someone?
i guess saying these things and being asked questions around them makes me feel crazy and inadequate.