Hurt

I know I'm no good, I've known my entire life. And I know I'm no good for them. Doesn't change the fact that I miss them. I miss them so much.

Depression sucks and keeps me subdued, but losing them... losing them broke me. I've never been able to glue the pieces back together.

People wonder why I haven't gotten better. I've just lost too much to gain enough back. Would it make me all better for them to be in my life again? I don't know. I know I'd be happy, I know I'd celebrate, I know I'd hold them as long as I possibly could.

But I know I'm no good for them. I know I'd hurt them. So, I'm glad they're with people who'll protect them.

I want my boys back, but not at the cost of their happiness. So, I'll just stay sitting in my room, in my chair and thinking about them until I pass out; only to do it all again. I'll stay like this for them, for now. And over time, maybe I can heal enough to hold them again. I fight for them because, in the end, I just want my boys back.

Did you lose custody of them ? If so I've been through this with my daughters due to my mental health . I don't have custody of them now but I do have a good relationship with them both now and see them often . you can have them back in your life and hold them again. You need to heal and look after yourself and things will fall into place over time . stay strong . you can do this .

What is it you believe is no good for them about yourself?

I never had custody to lose. They were my nephews. I just happened to love them enough for them to be my own. It's a long story, but I had to get them out of where they lived and unfortunately, I couldn't take them. Maybe it is fortunate.

What part of me is good for them? I'm a wreck. I can't work and can barely leave the house with someone I trust, let alone by myself. I'm hardly ever consistently present and have mood swings that no one should have to deal with. And to be honest, I'm a crappy person.

I was always told that I was no good, by teachers, parents, other kids (including siblings). I'm just a bad person. No matter what I do, I'm a piece of ****.

Hmm I never thought you to be a crappy person.
Sounds like you were severely emotionally abused.

So - I understand you would believe those wores to be true.

Now I want you to analyze it out, and tell me "why" it would be true. Give me an example. Then give me an example of how "everyone" (those who said those things to you) did those same things so much better in your eyes. ?

Just because people have said bad things to you it doesn't make it true . you obviously love and care for your nephews alot .

*those words to be true

An example of me being a bad person is just 3 1/2 years ago, I was getting into a lot of trouble. Felony sort of trouble. Stuff even my 5th grade teacher said I'd end up doing. Never been to prison, but just because I never ended up behind bars has nothing to do with me being good. I always got into trouble as a kid and as an adult, I'm worthless. I don't work or provide or anything. "Letting people down it my thing..." All I do is let the people who trust me and love me down.

I just can't believe that a good person would do any of these things.

I don't mean just one stray example...

Something about your character that can be compared to your teacher ... Etc...

Another question .. Those people you said you let down...

Has there ever been a time in their life they let someone down

My point here is - no matter who you look at - there is going to be fault somewhere.

That does not make everyone bad.

You have helped me in past
I have seen you help others too

Do bad people help others?
Not likely

What defines a bad person anyway?

You are only bad in your own mind.
I won't take that from you.
I get it.
I feel that about myself at times.

I just want you to understand - you are believing memories of lies that were told you, but not in reality.

You are a sweet and caring person, at least - in my eyes.

❤

3 and a half years ago is a long time ago . sounds like its in the past . I don't work either because of my mental health. Try not to be so hard on yourself

((((((((( So leigheas )))))))))

Just speculating... This makes me think of family dynamics. I wonder if your family needed you to play the "bad" role to keep the group functioning in the way the dominant ones desired.

Big hug, So.

So, I'm just reading this today and I know we don't really know each other but I have read other posts of yours and I see others here saying that you are a kind and caring person, so I vote with the majority here. I believe that we let others down sometimes and make poor choices but you can decide to not make those choices, I sense you are a good person, and going forward you will fail and fail again, it's what we humans do but to say you are no good is not true at all.