My Ugly Truth

I think I'm at a point in my life. I don't want to go anywhere, anymore. I don't want to do anything I don't have to. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk.

Until today, I've been forcing myself. I go out with my friends because they need someone to talk to and I can usually get them to smile and laugh. I go to therapy because my friend would probably stop going if I did. I take meds (haven't been doing great in that area, to be honest) to keep people from worrying. I eat food for the same reason, even though I don't care to eat, anymore. I also eat because my friend has anorexia and I try to get her to eat a little bit.

I just don't want to "fight" anymore. I'm tired of trying. I can't help anyone, anyway. Who was I to think that I could?

They've given up. Why can't I?

(Not about anyone on PC)

(((((((( So leigheas )))))))))

I know how you feel So, I rarely force myself to do anything social anymore unless I don't have a choice.

All these things need to be done for yourself, not to please others..

Yes, i know those feelings, and its a mess. I have them too, i try to keep with goals, i still have time for goals, but, with this lack of motivation its difficult so... Dont know, good luck.

Doesn't sound ugly -- but sad.
Could you be a little more gentle with yourself?

and yet
Oh, that's a lot. It really and truly is -- as I'm sure you've experienced.

Is it possible they might feel better if they could help you the way you help them? I'm just asking. We so often fear that we are merely an imposition.

I understand how you are feeling bc I feel the same many days myself - but - I will tell you one thing you are definitely wrong on.

You do help people. You have helped me many times. I have seen others receive help from you as well.

You may not always see it - but you do help.

Is there anything I can do to help you, my friend?

I can try, but it worries me. I actually opened up to my friend tonight about what's been going on with me, lately. I talked. I don't know if it helped anyone.

Now I'm alone. And, for my friend, I flushed my drugs down the toilet. I did it to ease her mind. Now I have nothing, but I can't deny that it's probably for the best.

Maybe tonight helped her a little. And maybe, I was helped, too. It's just difficult to see it right now. Everything in my head is just... really loud.

Thanks, Crypts. You're a good friend. You being here and talking to you helps.

You're a good friend too.
I don't wanna lose ya. *hugs*

Glad I can help .. If even just a little. ❤

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. It’s clear from your posts that you suffer so much. I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better. Please keep posting so we can support you. So many people here care for you.

How are you today?

My head's been loud off and on all day. I've managed to stay sober, though. I haven't SH so far, either.

All in all, nothing else has changed.

Then - today is a good day. It's a day you showed yourself you are strong. I just hope you did it for yourself too.

*hugs*
❤

I can't say I did. But you're right, I have accomplished something.

What do you think you accomplished?

For one entire day, I didn't feel like my chest had an elephant on it. Yeah, it still hurts, it'll always hurt, but I allowed myself to only deal with that. I didn't leave the house to help anyone with anything. I didn't have to rescue someone from an intoxicated stupor. And I didn't feel guilty because of any alcohol or drug use.

Yeah, I just stayed in bed. Yeah, I'm still hearing things that couldn't be here. And yeah, I'm still not doing so good. But for once, I allowed myself to accept it all. And I gave myself the day to do it. I gave a day to myself.

Then I would say today was a VERY good day - and you need more like it! *hugs*

Well done!
❤

Thanks Crypts

You're welcome ❤

Sending you warmest wishes, So. Maybe try for a second day where you give yourself s break? One more little day.

I'm so glad you had a little more peace.