I’m constantly off and on about motivation and life and everything. I don’t know if I’m depressed, bipolar, normal or what. I just can’t take it anymore. I have big dreams, I want to live in Tokyo and have a big family and all of that. Thing is, I’m not motivated to work for it. Every time I go to school, I feel smothered by the conservative atmosphere, and the strict rules of everything. I don’t know if I want to drop out, I don’t know if I want to work my *** off to go to Tokyo, I don’t know if I want to kill myself, I just don’t know. One minute I’m confident, then I’m depressed and confident that I’m going to end up killing myself eventually. I just want to be with the stars, to be one with the ocean, to live an incredible life of solitude, and all this other stuff. They way I imagine everything, none of this is possible. I want to stargaze for eternity, I want to have a big family, no wait, I want to live alone, but I want to drop out of school and I can’t do either of those if I drop out, or I can keep going through school and move to an island, but I want to go to Japan. I know it sounds stupid, but my mind is tearing me apart piece by piece, and I’m starting to think that killing myself is the solution. You know, I don’t care if there is nothing after death, I don’t care if you go to heaven or hell, or you are born as someone else, or what. I feel like I can’t wait much longer, I just need to find out. I don’t care what it is, I just need something new in my life, something completely out of the ordinary, something that can make me happy, and confident in myself, and just not to be judged for who I am. I am gay, I live in a conservative area, I go to a school with homophobes, I feel like I’m constantly monitored and I have no freedom, I feel like my parents don’t care about my dreams, or that they think they’re unrealistic, I think that I’m not wanted, by my family, I think I’m annoying, and so, so much more. What is wrong with me. I’m so confused. I can’t cry, when I’m sad I just mope around, helpless until my brain decides that I’m suddenly going to be happy, and inspired, and do something crazy, and that I’m going to make my life the best life anyone has ever had.

I promise that killing yourself is not the answer. Life can be overwhelming. The more you focus on the long term, the harder it seems to be to cope. Try short term goals and taking it one step at a time. Vent as much as you need. We're here for you.

[MtnTime2896]

I agree with above. Short-term is all you should focus on at the moment. Day by day, minute by minute. Hell, if you have to, go down to the seconds. PC is a good place to get this stuff out. Keep talking, we're here.

Ok, so basically, my life is school. I have big aspirations, that require a lot of hard work, overwhelming work hours(I don’t work currently), and I lot of effort in general. I’m not feeling it. I don’t feel happy right now. Every time I go to school, I’m socially awkward and quiet around my friends, all the boys at my school look at me weird, my relationships with the teachers aren’t great, and I’m not organized. Simple tasks are a burden, because all I can think about is how many of them there are and how many there will be. I sign up for these honors classes, only to regret it later. I’m trying to achieve extra, but it always ends up back handing me, and leaving me with yet another scar that I have to deal with. My thought process isn’t that school is 9 hours a day, and that’s it until I graduate, it’s I have to go to this hell hole for 9 hours, think about it all day, go to sleep, only to repeat everything. It just seems so overwhelming.
All of my friends think being gay is a choice, and that really affects my confidence. It makes me feel like nobody can be there for me, because they don’t understand. All of my friends treat me weirdly because of the fact that they think it’s a choice. I can’t just be their friend without them having a stick up their *** around me. Not all of them are bad though, I have two close friends, but I don’t really know their stance on this. I know it shouldn’t be important to me, but it is.
Then there is going out to places with my friends. I see these pictures of these people and their friends on Instagram, and all I can think about is, I have to get out of here, I can’t live here forever, I have to do something fast, before I’m stuck in a traditional life with a bunch of conservative people. I just can’t get that out of my head. My schools really small as well, so there isn’t anybody I can meet that I haven’t already met. I’m antisocial as well, so even if I tried, I probably couldn’t make any new friends.
I just don’t want to be committed to life. I feel like if I commit to life, I will somehow get lost in getting older, and I’ll never achieve anything, and I’ll end up dying unhappy. I just can’t get over it.
Back to the friend thing. I feel like everybody is just there. Like they’re just there because they can be. They don’t have to be my friend, but somehow they have ended up in that position. And I’m also treated like a “Queen.” Like it’s makeup and everything. I have to wear girl clothes, and wear makeup, and just slay. It literally kills me, and I just feel like I’m going nowhere. That sounds random, but it’s honestly all everything is to me. Everything I think about, it all ends with “I’m going nowhere.”
I’ve also been having issues remembering names recently, and it’s judt stressful in general. I’ll literally know somebody for over a year and a half, and just forget their name randomly. It would just be so much easier to forget everything, and just give up.
You know, life is supposed to be about being happy, but I can’t find that. Whenever I am happy, it ends very quickly, and I just end up in the same hole. Everything’s different, yet the outcomes always the same. We are alive, we die. We have a good life, we die. We have a bad life, we die. There is no point in living if there is just this big barrier that you run into at the end of everything. It’s not like we’ll remember anything, that all the pain that everybody goes through is worth anything in the end.

[Uncharted]

School was hell for me, most feelings you are describing, a lot of us have experienced. I have also been suicidal several times and I know what it's like to see an empty future but I'm still here and alive and glad I haven't taken my own life.

It's fine if you have big aspirations and it's also fine if you don't end up achieving them. That doesn't say anything about you as a person. I wanted to become a NASA scientist and I wanted to become a dancer at the same time. I didn't follow either of those things lol. I wanted everything and nothing all at once. It drove me crazy and I still experience these moods/thoughts to this day (I'm 29 now). You don't neccessarily have to make life decisions right now, just because society tells you to or especially when you are in that state of mind. I kinda always went against society but that's just me. I do believe, however, you should finish school.

I understand that it feels extra hard to deal with everything when your friends/family can't support you. No one has ever supported me emotionally or mentally. All the work is mine and I'm proud of it. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just saying it's possible. You are so much stronger than you think/feel! And more importantly, you are worth this life Life can be pretty amazing if you give it a chance.

I know everything looks hard and even simple things feel so difficult but remember, nothing lasts forever whether it's bad or good. Happiness is only a feeling and making it a destination is just not gonna work cause that's not real. No one is happy all the time, even if it looks like it. And I agree with the posts above that taking a step at a time is more achievable and less overwhelming. Ask yourself, why do you need to do the things you think you need to do right now? It seems you're being hard on yourself and pressuring yourself too much. Try to take it easy as much as you can and you'll figure out one thing at a time. I don't know how your life will turn out but I can promise you that what you are feeling will not last forever cause it's not possible.

I'm sorry for the long reply, hope you will feel better soon

Originally Posted by Uncharted

School was hell for me, most feelings you are describing, a lot of us have experienced. I have also been suicidal several times and I know what it's like to see an empty future but I'm still here and alive and glad I haven't taken my own life.

It's fine if you have big aspirations and it's also fine if you don't end up achieving them. That doesn't say anything about you as a person. I wanted to become a NASA scientist and I wanted to become a dancer at the same time. I didn't follow either of those things lol. I wanted everything and nothing all at once. It drove me crazy and I still experience these moods/thoughts to this day (I'm 29 now). You don't neccessarily have to make life decisions right now, just because society tells you to or especially when you are in that state of mind. I kinda always went against society but that's just me. I do believe, however, you should finish school.

I understand that it feels extra hard to deal with everything when your friends/family can't support you. No one has ever supported me emotionally or mentally. All the work is mine and I'm proud of it. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just saying it's possible. You are so much stronger than you think/feel! And more importantly, you are worth this life Life can be pretty amazing if you give it a chance.

I know everything looks hard and even simple things feel so difficult but remember, nothing lasts forever whether it's bad or good. Happiness is only a feeling and making it a destination is just not gonna work cause that's not real. No one is happy all the time, even if it looks like it. And I agree with the posts above that taking a step at a time is more achievable and less overwhelming. Ask yourself, why do you need to do the things you think you need to do right now? It seems you're being hard on yourself and pressuring yourself too much. Try to take it easy as much as you can and you'll figure out one thing at a time. I don't know how your life will turn out but I can promise you that what you are feeling will not last forever cause it's not possible.

I'm sorry for the long reply, hope you will feel better soon

Thank you so, so much. I just needed to hear from somebody whose been in a similar situation, and it’s great to hear that you made it through. Hopefully, I can do the same, but once again, I thank you so much.